Goblin Punch

Firstly, lemures are like the ultimate minion monster. They're just like, sad jello. They look more like a balor's bowel movement than a real threat. Like, a medium-sized dog looks way more dangerous than a lemure.

You should be able to fight, like, a hundred of these guys by level two. Hence the minion rule, below. (You don't roll for damage, you roll to see how many lemures you kill.) The funny thing is that, since they're going to be pouring in the doors, they'll be doing an average of 3-6 damage every round to everyone that they can surround, so if you're in the middle of a gymnasium full of lemures, they're actually going to kill some players, just because their damage is reliable and there are too many of them to kill quickly. Even a fireball would only kill, what, like 20 at the most?

Honestly, I'd love to fight a swarm of shitty demons. I'd challenge people to beat my kill count, which would be like, 29 or something. And after I beat them into a jelly, my character would pee on them. Haha! Demons are easy!

Then the next room has a nalfeshnee or something and it kills all of us horribly.

Second, demons have a long history of "requires a +1 weapon or better to damage", and while that's fun flavorwise, I feel like we don't need any more motivation to use magic +1 swords. They're already mechanically advantageous and players already have giant boners for magic swords. We don't need to tempt them anymore. So, I gave my demons the Eldritch ability, where they can only be killed by magic, while non-magical damage can only daze them. (They lose their next turn, but they're not helpless.)

This way you can throw demons at the party before they have any magic. Either the wizard can save their magic missile for a dramatic kill shot, or they can just beat the poor thing until it's dazed half of the time and then run away. (And players who don't know about the demons' tradition of immunity to non-magical damage can realize it after beating on it for a while, and then have an easier time running away. Or locking it in a chest. Whatever.)

Thirdly, there's a demon who has insanity-causing farts and I love that.

pictured: adorableness

Lemure
HD 0 (HP 1) AC leather Flabby Claw see below
Move slow Int 7 Mor 7

Minion - When you kill this creature with a slashing or bludgeoning weapon, any damage in excess of it's HP rolls over to an adjacent minion (who also has this ability), so your damage total is effectively your kill count. If you miss, you kill half as many.

Flabby Claw - Each enemy with at least one lemure adjacent is subject to a single attack roll. If they are hit, they take 1dX damage, where X is the number of adjacent lemures (max 1d12). If they miss, the enemy takes half damage.

Congeal - Reform in 1d6 minutes unless sprinkled with holy water, killed with magic, killed by blessed people, in a consecrated ground, or burned (requires oil or wood; a torch is insufficient).

Tactics: None, really. Just swarm opponents en masse.

Instincts: Kill enemies, then enjoy creature comforts (tasty food, booze, sleeping in a pile in and around a bed).

Although lemures are about as tall as a halfling (4 feet), they weigh about 200 lbs. They are obese mounds of deformed flesh. They are hateful little shits. When killed, they collapse like a jello sculpture and melt into a layer of pinkish slime on the floor about a foot deep.

pictured: a randy shit-talker

Bone Devil
HD 5 AC chain Claws 1d6/1d6 Stinger 1d10+poison
Move fast Fly fast Int 14 Mor 7

Eldritch - Can only be killed by magic. Whenever non-magical damage would bring it below 1 HP, this creature is instead dazed for 1 round. They cannot be stunned more than once every 2 rounds.

Poison - First failed save causes -3 to attack and AC. Second failed save causes all of your bones to fuse together. Either way, this lasts 10 minutes.

Spells - teleport 1/day, invisibility 1/day

Wall of Bones - 1/day. Covers a 10' by 20' area, but has some shapability. Has 5d6 HP. Any creature passing through it takes damage equal to the wall's remaining HP (save for half).

Osseous Armor - Willing target gets covered with bone armor (as plate mail) and takes half damage from non-bludgeoning attacks. Also gains telepathy with bone devil. Bone devil can only have one of these active at any given time.

Tactics: Hit-and-runs, use stinger when not outnumbered, use wall of bones to isolate enemies, use teleport for quick attack or quick retreat.

Instinct: Talk to everyone, call everyone fat and disgusting (if not to their face, then at least behind their back), collect beautiful bones, avoid other demons

Bone devils want to kill you, "liberate" your skeleton from your body, and then fornicate with it. They think skeletal things are sexy, while fleshy things are disgusting. They are sometimes employed as diplomats, and are accompanied by a human assistant wearing osseous armor.

pictured: centuries of constipation

Gas Demon

HD 7 AC leather Claws 1d6/1d6
Move human Fly slow Int 7 Mor 9

Eldritch - Can only be killed by magic. Whenever non-magical damage would bring it below 1 HP, this creature is instead dazed for 1 round. They cannot be stunned more than once every 2 rounds.

Swallow - If both claw attacks hit, the target must succeed on a Str check or be swallowed.

Stink Cloud - All non-demonic creatures in 20' get -4 to attack and AC. At the end of each round you spend in the stink cloud, a creature can attempt a Con check. Once they succeed, they are immune to stink cloud effects until they rest.

Flatulant Insanity - All non-demonic creatures in 20' must make a save or spend their next turn attacking a random creature in the area. Critically failing this save causes a character to gain an Insanity Point. Usable every 1d4 rounds.

Tactics: Get in the middle of everyone and start farting, eat the weakest looking people.

Instinct: Show off their knowledge and power, seek out foods that might calm their stomach, collect bourgeois shit like toy dogs and cheeses.

Gas demons are depressive and proudful. They have strange diets and frequently suffer from indigestion and constipation. Their guts churn loudly. They sometimes wear clothing and makeup, and sometimes go naked (because they are proud of their bodies!).

These are the three most common types of angels of Hesaya, Centerra's predominant religion (and only true religion, in theory). Doctrine holds that there are 77 types of angels, who are infinite in number. Other “religions” have their own “angels”, but these are considered to be false angels—creatures only slightly different from demons. (Just as magic births demons, so does great faith summon angels. But aside from that, angels and demons blend into each other; they are a spectrum, not a binary.)

Hesayan angels are agents of the heavenly bureaucracy and all of its attendant courts. Angels do not come from heaven—instead they are manifested in a certain location with a singular task already in their minds. For this reason, many angels you meet will only be a few days old, at most.

Other angels are guardians of people, places, or things. If a person is especially holy, an angel might appear to defend them when they are threatened. Paladins of the Church often seal holy places and call upon angels to guard them.

Angels are beyond knowledge. They operate on an instinctual level, according to the principles that formed them. They do know necessarily know scripture, or how to purify oneself before entering the inner sanctum of cathedral. This is because they are already holy, and everything that they do is good and righteous. At least according to the Church.

The Hesayan Church worships Zulin Who Is Truth as the ruler of heaven and earth. He is an air god, and so Hesayan angels are creature of the air. For this reason, Hesayan angels are sometimes accompanied by air elementals and/or invisible stalkers.

The Bringers of the New Dawn believe that God is dead, the Devil rules this world, and only by extinguishing all life will the planet be allowed to enter the next cycle. This will resurrect the dead, God included, and set the world right. They believe this is the only way to end suffering (since death, disease, and old age are unnatural inventions of the Devil). The Dawnbringer cult is mostly men and women, but angels number in their ranks.

Centerran angels are big on lightning. It's because they want to distinguish themselves from demons and their hellfire.

Although each of these angels has a pair of unique abilities, they can be easily shuffled around or omitted if you want to customize or simplify your angels. In fact, I encourage it.

Angels sometimes give you treasure when you do them a great service. Alternatively, you could rob them, because this is D&D, and you can rob anything.

Angelic Treasure [d6]

1. Elixir of Angel Wings. Exactly like a potion of fly, except that the duration is 1 day, or until you take an aggressive action, whichever comes first.

2. Holy Wheel. Can float above your forearm like a shield +1, or behind your head like a huge stationary ioun stone that gives +1 AC. Either way, it glows as bright as a torch when you are in combat.

3. Lightning Sword. It's a sword+1. It can be used to shoot a 5d6 lightning bolt, but then it becomes a normal sword until you can get it baptized in a church. Every time it is baptized it must be given a new name; it is the name of the lightning bolt.

4. Breastplate of the Martyr. AC as chain +1. Once per day, when an ally is takes damage, you can intercept that damage and take it for them.

5. Horn of Amity. Only works once before falling to pieces. If blown, everyone in 50' must make a save (as if from charm person). If they fail, treat it as if they were charmed by every other person in 50'.

6. Prayer of Sainthood. Only works once. When read aloud, a holy person (paladin or cleric of Hesaya) or angel immediately ascends to heaven in a beam of light. If they are unwilling to go, they can petition heaven to stay (make a saving throw). If they go to heaven, they immediately leave the game with all of their gear.

All angels have the following minor abilities:

Mercy – A creature that is wounded by an angel feels no pain, just warm blood on their skin. A creature that is killed by an angel feels no dread, only peace.

Judgement – A player who looks into an angel's eyes must make a save. If they succeed on their save, the angel cannot read their soul. If they fail their save, the angel learns all of your sins and good deeds (according to its own morality) over a 10 minute period. Shorter time periods reveal fewer sins and good deeds. This doesn't reveal a players thoughts, intentions, or full history. It merely reveals a player's best and worst actions.

I am ADON, Bringer of Light

Angel, Wheel (Ophanim)

HD 3 AC plate (no basic attacks)

Fly18 Int 16

Aura of the Eternal Cycle – Each enemy that begins its turn within 50' must save or repeat the actions of their last turn (or as close as possible).

Bolt of the Martyr – Usable at will. Target directly underneath the angel takes 1d8 lightning damage (no save, 50' range). Before damage is rolled, any other creature within 50' can declare their love for the primary target. If this happens, the lightning changes direction and the primary target takes no damage while the creature that loves them takes 2d6 lightning damage (no save). Players are made aware of this option by divine knowledge transference, but also by the angel's booming monotone.

Tactics: Float above people like scary halos and announce their sins to the world; in combat, each angel picks the target it suspects to be the wickedest and focuses fire.

Instincts: Accompany holy people and steer them away from sinners; protect holy books; expose secrets; praise Zulin Who Is Truth.

Ophanim look like golden wheels with eyeballs along the rim. They revolve along all three axes when they fly, like a cartwheel sinking underwater. They speak with a host of voices, like a choir. Unlike other angels, they are capable of reciting all scripture perfectly (they sing it, in fact). They are largely logical and emotionless, but they become agitated when priests or holy books are threatened. (However, they don't react if/when innocent people die.)

Droning Utterances of the Ophanim [d4]

1 – “I am Adon, bringer of light!”

2 – “It is good and right to give thanks to Zulin Who Is Truth.”

3 – “I have seen the gate. I have seen the key.”

4 – “Blessed be the martyrs, for they shall inherit the earth.”

Encounters [d3]

1 – 1d3 ophanim have appeared above a child in the village and has begun instructing them in the scripture. In a different land, a ruler is hiring deniable assets to bring the child to him. He doesn't necessarily want to harm the child or the angel, he's just curious. This sort of thing smacks of prophecy and destiny, and he hates being out of the loop.

2 – After performing a great service for the church, 1d4+1 ophanim appear above the party and demand that the party excavate a forgotten church, long lost in a distant part of the swamp. The place is inhabited by a peaceful hag and several ogres, but the ophanim will help you kill him. Afterwards, they demand that you bring all of the books and minor relics to the Great Cathedral in Coramont—a task that will take several months.

3 – An exceptionally powerful ophanim (HD 7) of the New Dawn has appeared in the city during a holy day and trapped the city in a time loop. It did this so that the people would always be happy, and always be on their best behavior. Only the players are aware of this, because of some reason I'm sure your DM can invent. To escape this groundhog day, they need to find the rogue ophanim and destroy it. The ophanim watches the city from inside the clocktower, where it blends in with the mechanisms. 2d6 cherubim serve it.

Variants [d3]

1 – Minor Ophanim lack the Bolt of the Martyr. They serve as support for other units in combat, harassing enemies with their Aura.

2 – Ophanim Golems are actual golden wheels inhabited by an angelic spirit. They're statistically identical, except that they have 5 HD and leave a huge golden wheel as loot when they die. They are the treasures in the dungeon.

3 – Ophanim can also be the literal wheels on a flying chariot. The driver might be a seraphim, or a powerful cleric.

Angel, Sentinel (Seraphim)

HD 6 AC chain Sword 1d6 + 1d6 lightning + curse

Fly 18 Int 16

Curse – Players struck by the angel's sword must save or the symbol for “enemy of heaven” appears on the player's forehead. Whenever creature takes fire damage, they take an additional 2 points of damage. This stacks up to 5 times. This curse is permanent until removed.

Immaculate Beauty – If the angel is at full health, any creature that attempts to damage it must succeed on a save or hesitate, being unwilling to actually strike at such a thing. If the angel hasn't made any aggressive action, this save is at a -4 penalty. Attempting to damage many angels at once (such as with a fireball) requires a single save with a -2 penalty for each angel after the first.

Tactics: Fight intelligently; Gang up on most threatening targets so the curse can stack; Rely on their beauty to keep them safe, rather than keep watch.

Instincts: Protect the innocent; it is a joy to serve; seek out the beautiful and convert them if necessary.

Seraphim are guardian angels, usually. They guard the lonely places of the world. They know nothing except their feelings, which they trust instinctively. To them, nothing worth nothing ever came out of a book. The only true things are feelings. (They respect the holy books, but those words are not from books, they are heavenly words that are momentarily recorded in books.)

If left alone for a long time, a seraphim will convert its surroundings into a beautiful environment. Even in foul dungeons, the party might pass through a couple of beautiful rooms before finding the seraphim responsible. When swung, their swords sing clear, dulcet notes.

Unique Seraphim Feature [d6]

1 – All metals in 50' seem to turn to gold. All other materials turn snow white.

2 – No wings. Held aloft by a flock of doves plucking at her robe, while she reclines.

3 – Head has four faces, one on each side. Head revolves.

4 – Like a giant, naked, muscular albino, wearing only a ribbon.

5 – Has anywhere between 2 and 8 arms at any given moment.

6 – Bleeding from sacred stigmata. Blood turns to rose petals when it hits a surface.

Encounters [d2]

1 – Two seraphim guard a hole in the side of a cliff. They warn people away by telling them that “the prison of Melchior is not safe” but really all they're doing is making people curious what sort of dungeon is down there.

2 – While the party is still planning the best way to rob the little church down the street, a clear voice shouts from outside the tavern. It is 1d4 seraphim, demanding that the party come outside and receive summary judgment (death). The angels are hesitant to enter the tavern, but if the players don't exit, they'll start evacuating the innocents before storming the building. If the party acts quickly, it's possible to escape or kill the angels before the town priest gets here and finds out exactly what the party was planning.

THESE little assholes

Angel, Messenger (Cherubim)

HD 2 AC chain Bow 1d6

Fly 18

Magic Arrows – A cherub can put a charm, love*, or sleepeffect on an arrow as they fire it. Save negates. (*loveis similar to charm, except the effect is romantic instead of friendly, and the caster chooses who the target falls in love with.) These arrows still deal damage, unless the cherub prefers that they didn't. Love and charm effects last as long as the cherub is alive.

Remorse – A creature that kills a cherub must make a save at the beginning of their next turn. If they fail, they cannot take any offensive actions (defensive actions are fine). They get a save at the beginning of all subsequent turns to dispel the pacifism.

Tactics: Hide in the upper reaches of a room; lead opponents on a merry chase; abuse their magic arrows.

Instincts: Make attractive and/or nice people fall in love with each other; make sure no one ever loves ugly and/or mean people; do things that babies do (touch an interesting texture, throw food on the floor, pet a puppy shyly, nurse at a breast, fall asleep on soft things, wake up crying).

Despite looking like fat, flying children, the cherubim are warriors. They only act like babies outside of combat. They often appear to deliver messages, or to carry one. They are attracted to maternal people, and despise rude or mean people. Not enough to attack them, but they will ply their infantile conspiracies against you secretly. Some cherubs are lieutenants, and carry golden arrows with unique powers.

What do this cherub's golden arrows do (save negates)? [d4]

1 – Target disappears in an explosion of live doves (who are permanent). They reappear two turns later.

2 – All of the target's wealth turns into scripture describing how wisdom and piety are the real forms of wealth.

3 – Splits into 3 arrows. The cherub makes 3 attacks against different targets.

4 – Target is compelled to confess a sin. If the character or player won't, the arrow damage is tripled. No save.

Encounters [d4]

1 – Cherubs have singled out a single party member (possibly seeking revenge) and are trying to make him/her fall in love with embarrassing things. If allowed to escalate, they're try making the party members fall in love with the same embarrassing stuff, just to stir up jealousy. This shit has got to stop.

2 – When you reach the dragon's lair you find out that it's been charmed by a flock of small cherubs. They have a big plan, and it involves this dragon.

3 – Cherubs in the dungeon. They won't let you past unless you bring them a mommy. A beautiful mommy.

4 – A cherubim wants help. It needs you to bring a prince worthy of falling in love with its favorite princess. Go kidnap a prince. For love.

Variant Cherubim [d2]

1 – Anti-cherubim have arrows that cause fear, rage, and sadness. They say that they are harvesting courage, calm, and happiness in order to make arrows out of them, for other cherubim.

2 – Giant cherubim boss with 8 HD. Ballista-size toy bow does 3d6 damage and all magic arrow effects have a 10' radius. Accompanied by 2d6 mommies (level 0 commoners).

So, I've been thinking about how to differentiate monsters, and I don't think it's through stats. Here are a bunch of monsters that are pretty similar statistically, but vary in their tactics, descriptions, and goals.

They have slightly different stats because stats can be descriptive, too, but if you switch them around I seriously doubt your players will notice.

The point of this exercise is to show that Making Monsters Feel Varied comes less from the stats and special abilities, and more from more from their tactics, goals, and basic lore/knowledge (don't hide interesting things behind knowledge checks).

But having said that, special abilities are awesome, and I'm also giving them all a special ability when they have max HP. (So when you roll 3d6 of them, there are a couple that are lieutenants or whatever.) But even without it, they all still feel very different, conceptually. Like, if I were a player, I wouldn't get bored fighting just these monsters for a couple of sessions because they seem varied.

bandit by Eric Belisle

BANDITS

HD 1 AC leather Sword 1d6 Bow 1d6
Mov human Int 10 Mor 5

Tactics: hide in ambush along paths, use traps and false retreats, have 1-2 guys in trees with bows, kill spellcasters first

Goals: make money, insult rich people and institutions, make a name for themselves

Bandits with 8 HP are swashbucklers. When one of their sword attacks hits, they get a free combat maneuver check (disarm, trip, etc). They all have huge personalities, usually boisterous.

Bandits always have a cool hideout: treehouse, behind a waterfall, abandoned tower, etc. There is a 33% chance that these bandits are part of a larger group, and 33% chance that they are part of a much larger group. Optional: mustaches, tights, quarterstaffs, one comically obese bandit that the other bandits make fun of, one bandit that is seriously like 10 years old.

BERSERKERS

HD 1 AC leather Huge Sword 1d8
Mov human Int 10 Mor 12

Special: Immune to fear and pain.

Tactics: crush, kill, destroy!

Goals: collect skulls, bathe in blood, ritualistically scar their bodies, eat the dead

Berserkers with 8 HP are immortals. Any damage that would bring them below 1 HP has a 50% chance to leave them at 1 HP instead.

There are many different kinds of berserkers.

ORCS

HD 1 AC leather Misc Weapon 1d8
Mov human Int 8 Mor 7

Tactics: attack the weakest looking ones, don't wait until combat is over to grab loot, be disorganized, only work together accidentally

Goals: make money, steal food, get better weapons, pretend to be brave, find a strong leader

Orcs with 8 HP are anti-shamans. They block all divine spellcasting within 20'.

Orcs are green, tusked, and have huge testicles. They have a weirdly degenerate military culture--sort of like a cargo cult for the army--where they emulate military procedures mindlessly and poorly. They also beat each other up a lot, but can be intelligent and kind (but only in private, or among trusted friends).

POWERMEN

HD 1 AC leather Bladed Scepter 1d8
Mov human Int 3 Mor 7

Special: Immune to electricity, can power electrical or magical devices with a touch.

Tactics: take the high ground, believe oneself to be invincible (and make poor choices because of it)

Goals: collect magic items, search the jungle for ancient machinery and reactivate it, show superiority over the feeble masses of humanity

Powermen with 8 HP possess a psychic shield. It provides perfect blocking: even magic missiles are blocked without error. If the powerman is attacked by multiple people exactly simultaneously (making their attack rolls simultaneously) this overwhelms the shield, which can only block one at a time, and the powerman must decide which one he prefers to block (before attack rolls are made).

Powermen are adventurers who ventured into one of the ruins of the Great Machine, in Bruhok. They come staggering out of the dungeons some days later, crackling with electricity, with glowing eyes and commanding voices. They believe themselves to be powerful warriors that have resurrected themselves in new bodies. They comport themselves like demigods, are supremely confident, and are always incredibly surprised when they die as easily as any other man. Their heads continue talking for several minutes after death.

TUSKMEN

HD 1 AC leather Greataxe 1d8
Mov human Int 10 Mor 7

Tactics: intimidate opponents, try anything (even lies) to get them to surrender, finish off the wounded

Goals: destroy all clans except the Tusk Clan, spread chaos and confusion through the world (especially centers of religion and/or knowledge)

Tuskmen with 8 HP are mutant tuskmen. They have one random mutation from the DM's favorite mutation table, or from the small table below.

Tuskmen all derive from a viking clan that have fallen into the overt worship of chaos. They revere Grandfather Oshregaal, who transformed them into their present forms. They look like vikings with walrus tusks.

Tuskmen Mutations [d6]

1 - Two-heads - Much harder to sneak up on.
2 - Grossly muscular - Hits for +3 damage.
3 - Shriveled Black Arms - Cast flesh bolt (reflavored magic missile) twice per day.
4 - Eyes On Stalks - Cast poison gaze once per day. (See below.)
5 - Invisible!
6 - Crystalline Skin - 75% chance to reflect magic.

Poison Gaze
Level 1 Wizard Spell
Caster makes a gaze attack (target must be looking at you, i.e. not fighting someone else). If the target fails a save, it is poisoned, and takes 1d6 damage each turn for 3 turns. Con check for half damage.

bandit by Eric Belisle

Monsters need different tactics because it's a huge part of how combats feel. If you're fighting monsters that always do fighting retreats as soon as combat begins, it feels very different (and uses very different tactics) than fighting monsters who just rush in and fight to the death. We spend so much time differentiating monsters with abilities and lore, why not differentiate them here, too?

Monsters need different goals. Intelligent monsters are practically NPCs, because the players can talk to them, intimidate them, bargain with them. Those behavioral interactions make up a big part of the game. (Think about your own games and how many times your PCs got social with the monsters instead of straight-up attacking them.) Including goals in your statblock makes these interactions more robust (since you have a clearly defined answer to "what does it want?") but it also makes them more interesting (since you don't have to improvise a monster's goals halfway through a game). NPCs should always have a goal, and unless a monster is only going to be used in an arena fight, so do they.

Out of all the HP 8 lieutenant abilities, I like the berserker one the most. Level 1 dude getting hit by a 5d6 fireball, and then staggering upright? And then he gets hit by the barbarian for 10 points of damage? And he's still fighting, screaming out bloody foam, eyes clouding in their sockets.

The word "lovecraftian" doesn't mean tentacles and cultists and insanity. It means that mankind is utterly inconsequential. The universe isn't just weird and hostile, it is incomprehensible and unaffectable.

Humanity is worthless, our souls are worthless. All of our religions put humanity on a pedestal--we can imagine anything, we can advance until we can do anything, we can eventually understand everything, we were created special, this world was created specially for us. . . and these are part of a human-centric worldview. The lovecraftian worldview is that humanity is incidental and meaningless. Comparing humanity to elder gods is not like comparing ants to humans, it is comparing colonies trapped inside a petri dish to duelling, four-dimensional suns.

The elder gods don't want anything from us, because we don't have anything they want, or could ever want. We cannot threaten them or affect them in any way, because we are scum on the inside of a petri dish. We could, conceivably, draw the slightest iota of their attention, but that would be it.

Cthulhu is trapped in the dungeon-crust of Centerra's planet. Cthulhu is not an elder god, but it is several order of magnitude more powerful than anything else on the planet. He has, like, a million HP and immunity to magic. This is what happens if you wake him up.

What Happens When Cthulhu Is Released

Every sentient creature on the planet must save or go permanently insane as the Cthulhu's supersentience rips through their own, like a cruise ship powering through a narrow canal.

Over the next 24 hours, Cthulhu devours the sun, in order to gain enough energy for a long flight home. Then he flies home, never to be seen again. A wish spell might delay him, briefly. Then the planet has no sun. It's just a rock hurtling through space. The surface temperature plummets, all surface water freezes, and 99.99% of all life on the surface dies.

Suddenly the underdark is looking pretty good.

The campaign changes to survival. The PCs must travel through the interior of the planet's crust (which is all dungeons and subterranean oceans and literal hells) to get to the interior of the hollow planet, where the interior sun provides a modicum of ghastly light and warmth. If the PCs want their species to survive, they had better bring along enough humans/hobbits/whatevers to form a breeding colony on the inside of the planet.

Over time, the helpless-insane will be killed and eaten by the murderous-insane, who will form roving packs of cannibals. The psychic weave around the planet is completely changed when the cold tonnage of Cthulhu's brain ripped through it. Psychic powers begin to emerge, and the people who were best poised to take advantage of this change (the Cthulhu cultists, who were not so much crazy as they were desperate) come out on top, and many of them become powerful, immortal god-kings.

Everything freezes. There is no food.

The campaign changes to building a settlement on the interior of the planet. It's like zombie survival, except with morlocks, demons, and neothelids (worms of the third madness). Or maybe a bit like +Gus L's Underdark,

If the players get ahold of a morlock drill city, they'll be able to make journeys to the frozen wasteland that is the surface, and search for valuable stuff in the ice-clad cities. They'll skate across frozen oceans, their ice-sleds pulled by kites. They'll move from volcano to volcano, the only points of life on a dead surface. Each volcano is a desperate stronghold, a feeble source of food in a dead world.

If this campaign has an end goal--and it doesn't have to--it is to slightly change the trajectory of the planet.

Hurtling through space, the dead planet is doomed to a wretched infinity of cold vastness. Humanity exists, if it exists at all, as a pathetic race living in the most meager of conditions, in those tiny niches of the planet that are still capable of sustaining their hot-blooded, gluttonous lives. And that's where they'll stay while the planet inevitably cools and dies.

But with a small change, the planet could be redirected. It could be recaptured by another star, and it could eventually orbit that star and flourish once more. It will require a volcanic eruption of inconceivable energy, precise mass, and precise trajectory. The planet needs to jettison a chunk of itself in order to life. And not just amputate it--it needs to fling those oceans and continents as hard as it can.

People (and PCs) who are Nikal can survive being frozen, and might be revived when the surface thaws, far into the future.

And the rewards of this ridiculous maneuver will not be felt by the party. Nor by their children or their grandchildren. Nor their great, great, great grandchildren. But eventually, the planet will be inhabitable once again, and the suffering will not have been infinite, and there will be green fields again, and children will run on them and laugh and speak in alien tongues, long after you've died.

And that is victory, perhaps, in a lovecraftian sense.

The Jabberwocky is the Questing Beast. There have been many questing beasts, and there will perhaps be more once the Jabberwocky is slain. There are many places where it might live, but in Centerra, it lives in the Riddlewood, near Travia.

DMs: Put it on any random encounter table you wish, as long as it is on a forest, mountain, or swamp hex.

Like other monsters, the jabberwocky is rolled on the random encounter table. If it is rolled, the players will hear it burbling and crashing through the trees. If the players don't pursue it, they will never find it again (erase it from the random encounter table, delete the bookmark to this blog page, forget you ever heard about it.)

Inform your players of this. Everyone has heard of the jabberwocky, and everyone knows that if you pass up a chance to hunt it, you will never have another chance. A questing beast only appears once to any given person, if ever.

If they players do decide to hunt the jabberwocky, the party must drop what they are doing and pursue the jabberwocky. The jabberwocky always stays one step ahead of the party. It moves horse-speed if they have horses, and foot-speed if they are on foot. This is not a simulationist pursuit, it is a mythical one.

The jabberwocky leaves an obvious trail. The party can follow it easily enough. The jabberwocky is always one step ahead of them.

If the party abandons the trail for more than one day, they lose it, and will never again encounter the jabberwocky.

If the party tells anyone else about the jabberwocky, or hires a bunch of people to help them hunt the jabberwocky, they lose it, and will never again encounter the jabberwocky.

What Everyone Knows About the Jabberwocky

Tell your players this the first time they hear the jabberwocky's burbling.

Each person only ever gets one chance to hunt the jabberwocky.
If they ever fail to pursue it when they hear its burbling, or abandon the trail for more than one day, they lose it forever.
If they tell anyone about the jabberwocky, or recruit any help, they lose it forever.
If they ever fail to act with virtue, nobility, or charity, they will lose it forever. [This one is false.]
The jabberwocky has a burbling voice, burning eyes, whiffling wings, and claws that catch.
Any sword that kills a jabberwocky becomes a vorpal blade.
Anyone who presents the jabberwocky's head to the king of Kyr gets a knighthood, a castle, a parade, and a great deal of marriage offers.

How the Jabberwocky Moves

If you want to know the jabberwocky's route through the hexes, look at this table.

Jabberwocky's route [d6]

1-4 straight ahead
5 turns 60 degrees to the left (or if that's impossible, turn right)
6 turns 60 degrees to the right (or if that's impossible, turn left)

If this path would take it out of a forest, mountain, swamp, or jungle hex, the jabberwocky changes direction randomly in order to stay in those types of hexes. It avoids doubling directly back on its path, if possible. This direction is the new "straight ahead"

How the Jabberwocky is Encountered

So, I use a lot of the numbers on a random encounter die (more about it here).

1 - wandering monster (combat)
2 - signs of a wandering monster (omen)
3 - wandering NPC (non-combat)
4 - inter-party interaction (hireling drama, etc)
5 - quest event if applicable (jabberwocky, in this case)
6 - quest event if applicable (jabberwocky, in this case)

If the party is pursing the jabberwocky, they have a 1-in-3 chance to bump into a quest event every time they roll a random encounter check (twice per day).

If you're using two random encounters per day, the party will be bumping into one quest event every 1.5 days. So the party might very well bump into the jabberwocky in less than a week of searching. But given how the dice work, this is going to vary wildly.

The first two times you roll on the quest event table, you roll with a d12, so there is no chance of bumping into the jabberwocky. But on subsequent rolls. . . you might.

And the first time the party bumps into the jabberwocky, it flees as soon as it gets below half health (see Whiffling Wings, below). The party then encounters it automatically the next time they get a quest event, and this time it fights to the death. So expect them to kill it after about 10 days of hex-crawling. Maybe. Again: highly variable.

Quest Events [d12 the first two times, then d20]

Some of these are framed like moral tests. They aren't. The questing beast doesn't care if you're a sinner or saint. However, nearly everyone believes that the questing beast can only be killed of someone who is pure of heart.

Widows searching for their husbands, who were looking for the jabberwocky. If you help them search this part of the woods, you will find them: four headless knights, their necks cut through perfectly. One was crushed to death. Nearby are four dead horses and 4 helmets. Slightly more searching will reveal 4 heads in a tree stump, their skin sucked off and then well-licked.
Beggars begging for money. Their leader (King Drudek) has a trained monkey who steals compulsively. King Drudek has tried to get his monkey to stop doing it, but lacks any skills in training the monkey. They know that people looking for the jabberwocky are often generous, and contribute to the stories about how hunters must be virtuous.
Pilgrims asking for food. Their leader (Mother Yathen, Clr 2) can provide healing. She doesn't believe that there is such a thing as a jabberwocky, and claims it is a symbol of mankind's violent urges.
1d4+1 Questing Knights looking for the jabberwocky. They will want to duel the party once they realize that they are following the same trail. They will want the loser to abandon the hunt immediately, and will do the same if they lose. They are despondent even if they win; they have been questing a long time.
Lion, Puma, or Tiger with its foot caught in a trap. If approached in a non-threatening way, it will leave the party alone and limp away. It doesn't matter if the party frees the lion or not (neither is immoral). If the party frees the lion, there is a 25% chance that the lion will appear later on to help the party fight the jabberwocky. Otherwise, the pelt is worth 100g.
A Knight (Sir Thalidomides, Ftr 3) who is abandoning the hunt. He is riding home; the beast never appeared to him.
2d4 Bards (Brd 1) led by a tiny man named Matthias. They are on their way to meet the prince, and they have been promised a handsome fee to entertain him at his hunting lodge. They will insult and ridicule the party, because they are giant assholes.
Lost Prince (Prince Fonterion, age 15, escaped from bandits when the bandits chased after the questing beast) just wants to go home. Anyone bringing him home will be richly rewarded. Anyone who delays in bringing him home will earn substantially less (a fact that he will continually remind people of).
3d6 Bandits looking for a lost child, the son (Maccus Jr.) of their beloved leader (Maccus). The son is hiding in a tree, terrified of a strange beast he saw. He will need soothing before he climbs down.
Druid (Balanost, Drd 7, pacifist) who knows of the party's quest and is determined to convince them to abandon the quest. The beast is just an animal, after all, and it has a right to live, too. He will reason with the party, but will fight back if attacked. His companion hides nearby (giant chameleon).
Witch and 1d4 Charmed Children out gathering herbs and casting summon fish. An animated cauldron carries their catch. The witch (Merelda, Wiz 4) will ask you to buy some fish (and will secretly curse anyone who doesn't.)
Undead Knight (Bartleby, Ftr 5) wants to die in an honorable duel, because he is disgusted by his undead state (a witch cursed him with undeath, and if the curse is removed he will be alive again). If one of the party members obligingly kills him honorably, he will tell you where he has buried 1000gp, and ask you to bring it to his wife in a nearby city. She is a person of some importance there.
Jabberwocky asleep in a small cave. You can hear it snoring in there. The cave has a second, hidden entrance, directly above the jabberwocky, big enough for the PCs to drop on it or for the jabberwocky to escape.
Jabberwocky squatting on a rock beside a stream, washing its hands and staring directly into the sun. It seems to be talking to someone, but there is no one there.
Jabberwocky burbling furiously and throwing itself from a high place (tree, cliff).
Jabberwocky gazing at its reflection in a pond and weeping.
Jabberwocky eating a doe like a snake. The doe is still alive.
Jabberwocky enjoying a rare moment of tenderness with a young girl, who is petting its nose.
Jabberwocky laying an egg. If allowed to hatch, it contains 2d6 full-grown, non-magical snakes of different species.
Jabberwocky surprise attack! It bursts from the trees and gets a surprise round!

Jabberwocky (The 5th Questing Beast)

HD 8 AC chain Claws 2d6 + grab / 2d6 + grab
Move 18 Fly 18 Int 8 Mor 2 or 12 (see below)

Vorpal Head Bitey - Free claws are used for grabby claw attacks (Str 20). If the jabberwocky begins its turn holding a person, it will attempt to bite off their head with it's rat-like incisors (2d6 + save or die). If it is holding a second person, it will merely shake them or bash them against the floor (2d6 damage).

Burning Eyes - At the beginning of the jabberwocky's turn, the jabberwocky picks a person in 50' to glare at. If that person fails a save, they are blinded for 1 round. Also applies to mounts that the target happens to be riding. Creatures with darkvision automatically fail this save.

Whipping Tail - At the end of the jabberwocky's turn, it makes a free attack against all adjacent creatures for 1d6 damage, making an attack roll against each of them. (It doesn't tail whip anyone it's holding.)

Burbling - The jabberwocky's mad burbling is infectious. All creatures in 50' constantly babble nonsensically. Basically, you lose control of your mouth (no save). The DM should feel free to tell each player what their character is babbling about each round. (I recommend something from Lewis Carroll). Spellcasting is impossible. This babbling madness extends to the players, not just the characters. The physical players around your table (whose characters are within 50' of the jabberwocky) are forbidden from speaking except in nonsense noises ("Eeeoooflorporflibbity boo!"), declarations of what their character is doing ("I want to throw my net on the jabberwocky."), or questions about the situation ("Is the jabberwocky close enough for me to hit it with the net?") Pantomiming is also forbidden, unless the player wants to spend their character's next turn waving their arms around. Players who break this rule are assumed to be pantomiming stuff, and lose their next turn.

Whiffling Wings - When the jabberwocky is reduced below half HP, it will throw away anyone it was holding (prone + dex check or take 1d6 fall damage) and fly away on its small, tattered wings. This means that the hunt is nearing the end, and the next quest event will automatically be with the jabberwocky. (Roll a d8+12 on the Quest Events table.) The jabberwocky will only flee the first time; on subsequent fights, it will fight to the death. The jabberwocky heals 1d8 HP the first time it flees and every night after that.

Vorpal Blood - A non-magical slashing or piercing weapon that gets the killing blow on the jabberwocky becomes a vorpal +1 weapon. A non-magical bludgeoning weapon that gets the killing blow on the jabberwocky shatters into a million pieces.

This is what happens when a human child is raised by modrons.

They want to get a nice accountant job or something, but no one will hire them because they are weird and sleep standing up, with their eyes open, humming The Calibration Tone (to show the pentadrones that they are healthy).

Mathematicians often become adventurers because they're too autistic for any other medieval career. If nothing makes sense, they might as well go try to impose order on the least orderly places possible: dungeons.

Map them out, make them straight, kill all demons, correct all illogical people.

Modron mathematicians are very dutiful, and most of them will constantly be writing letters home. They'll write a letter full of the details of their new life among their fellow humans, give it to someone who looks Lawful*, pay them some money, and tell them to carry the letter to Primus, the One and the Prime.

Most of these letters are opened by the person who "looked Lawful", read, mocked, and fed to a goat. DMs should give an insultingly small amount of XP when a mathematician spends money sending letters to Primus. Like 10xp or something. This is because mathematicians cannot carouse.

Primus never responds to these letters, but mathematicians are comforted knowing that Primus's behavior and responses are standardized and well-characterized. They imagine what Primus would say if he were to read their letter, and they are usually correct.

If they ever somehow make it to level 9, they start attracting modrons and other lawfully minded folk, and they invariably found an ultra-rational town somewhere, in imitation of Mechanus.

However, some human mathematicians are more than just modron-level OCD sufferers. Sometimes, they freak out upon experiencing the non-modron world**, and revel in their new-found freedom (which was previously more than unattainable--it was literally inconceivable). These mathematicians are dreaded by modrons everywhere, and are known as Chaos Theorists.

This class is also appropriate for people who want to play a modron.

*There are no alignments in Centerra. Hilariously enough, though, modrons seem to think that there are.

**Modrons are the inventors of mathematics. They are also it's only real practitioners, and a few humans (architects, siege engineers) study under them to master their potent maths. So, yeah, if someone knows math, it's because they apprenticed to a modron. In fact, people often don't call it mathematics; they call it the "modron art".

METAGAME DISCUSSION

This is a class about math and fiddly numbers. Not just for the character, but for the player, too.

I was talking to +Chris McDowall about the desirability of having a complex class for people who like complex classes. I ventured that I (sometimes) like fiddly little subsystems for classes, because then the class feels very different from other classes. And that's diversity. That's the freshness. I like playing a quirky little subsystem long enough to figure out how to best utilize it. Unravel its mysteries, so to speak.

Yes, fighters are simple and easy to understand, and I love playing fighters. (I'm playing one right now.) But there are people that thrive on complexity. So, here is a complex class for people that like complex classes. At the beginning of every turn, you have an incredibly complex little question to consider: which number should I put into my matrix? And in the middle of each of your turns, you have another incredibly complex little question to answer: what spell or ability should I use?

It's a funky little optimization problem. I suggest that the DM give a mathematician player a hard time limit of 30 seconds to decide those things, once its their turn.

It's a potentially powerful class, but it needs to be played like a chess game. And more perversely: it's a very unreliable one, because it depends on getting the right numbers in your matrix at the right times.

THE MATRIX

Modron mathematicians are always watching the invisible algebra at work in the universe. You can see the numbers behind everything. You can see the matrix.

Think of your matrix as a bag full of scrabble tiles. Except instead of letters on those tiles, they're numbers from 1-20. The maximum capacity of your matrix (how many tiles the bag can hold) is equal to 7 + level + Int bonus. If you want to gain a number but don't have room for it, you can overwrite an old number at any time.

The mathematician player will probably need a piece of scratch paper to keep track of this.

Alternatively, you could just download the mathematician tracker I made and print it out.

Gaining Numbers

Just as a modron mathematician is constantly watching the universe and discerning the underlying mathematics, so are you (the player) watching the game for any numbers that pop out. Whenever one of your fellow players rolls a d20, ask them to tell you the natural number (what is actually showing on the die). At the beginning of your character's turn, you can add one of those numbers that you heard about since the beginning of your last turn. Of course, any d20 number that you roll on your turn can be added to your matrix at the beginning of your next turn.

Keep track of this. You'll probably be adding a number to your matrix every turn. Modrons must be ever-vigilant against the forces of chaos!

Losing Numbers

There are two ways to lose numbers from your matrix.

If you have three of the same numbers (e.g. three 6s) in your matrix and you personally roll a d20 and get that number, that is a bust, and you lose all three of those numbers. Additionally, you can't add that number to your matrix at the start of your next turn, even though you rolled it.
If you take damage, look at the final damage and compare it to all the numbers in your matrix. If there are any matches, you lose them.

Using Numbers

There are three ways to use the numbers in your matrix. Your character cannot use any of them unless they have their math book open in front of them (usually held in one of their hands).

Spend three or four number straights (e.g. 3-4-5-6) to make attack vectors. These are basically spells that damage opponents directly.
If you have 3 copies of the same number (e.g. 7-7-7), you gain a linear ability. These are passive abilities. For example, if you have triple '7's in your matrix, you can breath underwater. (Remember that triples bust whenever you roll that number on a d20.)
Spend certain combinations of three numbers to cast non-linear spells. For example, you might spend a '4', an '8', and a '15' from your matrix to cast invisibility.

ATTACK VECTORS

Attack vectors are your primary method of damaging enemies with math. You have two kinds.

Euclidean Attack Vector

Erase 3 numbers from your matrix that form a 3-number straight (e.g. 3-4-5). A creature or object within 50' takes math damage equal to the lowest of the three numbers.

Non-Euclidean Attack Vector

Erase 4 numbers from your matrix that form a 4-number straight (e.g. 17-18-19-20). A creature or object within 50' takes math damage equal to the highest of the four numbers.

Math Damage

Treat math damage as non-magical slashing or spell damage, whichever is more advantageous. If the math would deal 10 damage or less, the target can make a save for half damage. If the math would deal 11 damage or more, the target can save to negate all damage.

LINEAR ABILITIES

Announce it to the table when you gain a linear ability and when you lose one.

Triple 1 - Can levitate (fly) at half your movement speed.

Triple 2 - Can see in the dark.

Triple 3 - +4 to save versus spells.

Triple 4 - You can add two numbers to your matrix each turn (instead of just one).

Triple 5 - Take half damage from fire.

Triple 6 - Can climb on all walls (as spider climb).

Triple 7 - Can breath underwater.

Triple 8 - +4 to save versus death and petrification.

Triple 9 - You no longer lose numbers from your matrix when you take damage.

Triple 10 - Take half damage from ice.

Triple 11 - Can burrow through dirt (not stone) at crawling speed.

Triple 12 - Can escape any grab or grapple.

Triple 13 - +4 to save versus poison.

Triple 14 - Allies within 5' of you share the benefits from your Linear Abilities.

Triple 15 - Take half damage from acid.

Triple 16 - Can swim as fast as a dolphin.

Triple 17 - Take no fall damage (as feather fall).

Triple 18 - +4 to save versus charm and mind-control.

Triple 19 - The next time you would bust one of your triplets, you can bust your triple 19s instead.

Triple 20 - Take half damage from lightning.

NON-LINEAR SPELLS

Spells with an asterisk are new spells, and are explained at the end of this post. You can cast any of these spells on your turn, as long as you have the appropriate three numbers in your matrix (and remove them when you cast the spell). So if you wanted to cast mathic missile, you would need to remove 5, 14, and 18 from your matrix.

1-5-12analyze foe*

1-8-17calculate attack*

1-10-14detect magic / read magic

2-6-13detect invisible

2-9-18 detect thoughts

2-11-15dispel math*

3-7-14divide health*

3-10-19hold portal

3-12-16integrate matrix*

4-8-15invisibility

4-11-20knock

4-13-17mage armor

5-9-16mage hand

5-14-18mathic missile*

6-10-17mirror image

6-15-19multiply health*

7-11-18prime weapon*

7-16-20pseudo-pseudo-random number generation*

8-12-19theorize*

9-13-20wall of math*

true fact: modron decatons are the coolest modrons

NEW SPELLS

Analyze Foe

If a creature in 50' fails its save, you learn all of its basic numerical stats: HD, max HP, current HP, armor class, attack bonus, attack types and damages, morale, speed, and intelligence.

Calculate Attack

You get +20 to the first attack you make next round.

Dispel Math

As part of casting this spell, erase another number from your matrix. This number is X. This spell functions as dispel magic, except that it has an X-in-20 chance of succeeding.

Divide Health

Designate a target within 50' and an integer X. If the target's HP is less than X, nothing happens. Otherwise, the target takes damage equal to half of X. They are allowed a save for half damage (one fourth of X).

Integrate Matrix

Add one number of your choice to your matrix.

Mathic Missile

As magic missile, except that it does (1d3 squared) damage.

Multiply Health

Target creature's current HP is doubled. If this would raise their HP above their normal maximum, this spell has no effect instead.

Prime Weapon

Temporarily enchant a weapon that you touch. Whenever this weapon deals damage that is a prime number, it deals an additional +3 damage. Lasts 5 turns.

Pseudorandom Number Generation

Cast this spell instead of rolling a d20. You can cast this spell even when it is not your turn. Instead of rolling a d20, use one of the numbers from your matrix, determined randomly.

Theorize

Increase the maximum size of your matrix by 5 until the end of the session.

Wall of Math

As part of casting this spell, erase another number from your matrix. This number is X. Creates a square wall of force at any location within X feet. The wall is X feet on a side, and must be oriented exactly vertical or horizontal. This wall lasts for X minutes and has X HP.

DID YOU DO YOUR MATH HOMEWORK, HUMAN #484271?

STARTING GEAR

Level 1 Modron Mathmaticians roll 2x on this table. They also start with a math book. If they lose their math book, they can create a new one by spending a week in a library or other mathy place.

Set of perfectly balanced dice.
Coin that always comes up heads.
Square, pyramidal hat with each side a different color (red, blue, green, yellow).
Square, boxy modron mask (see #3 above).
Perfectly circular protractor shield. +1 to any task that benefits from calculating angles.
Spherical, masterwork breastplate (medium armor). With an hour of tedious reassembly, it can be turned into a working astrolabe.
Abacus. +1 to any task that benefits from counting shit.
Scales. +1 to any task that benefits from weighing shit.
Prayer book containing the first 1000 prime numbers (up to 7919).
Masterwork sword without any adornment whatsoever. Like a platonic ideal of a sword.
Spear with meters and centimeters marked off. +1 to any task that benefits from calculating lengths.
Jar of human nutrient paste. Tastes awful. Takes up space like 3 rations, but feeds you for 9 days.

Click HERE to download the mathematician tracker PDF

(You'll probably need it.)

A WARDUKE IS YOU!

SO THIS IS A GAME FOR PELPEL WHO WAN BE DEFH KIGHTS

IT IS TON SUITABLE FORP PEOPLE HWO WHO BABBIES OR MABYE PERGNANT MOTHERS.THOS PEOPLE SHOULD GO TO THE FARMERS AMRRKET AND BUY THE THINGS THAT THEY NEED TO MAKE A SNAICE FURUIT SALAD, AND THEN MABY E EATH THAT FRUIT SALAND.

THOS PEOPEL WHO WANTS TO BE DEF NGIHTS SHOULS BE KEEP READING

DEAFTH KNGIHTS ROLL 4D6-DROP LOWEST FOR PHSYICAL STATS AND 3D6 FOR METAL STATS

DEAHT NIGHTS ARE LEVEL 5 HD 5 WITH +5 TO HIT LIKE FIGHTINGS MEN

DEATH KNIGHTS HAVE EVIL SORDS WHAT SHOOT SNAKE LASERS
THEY
ALSO HAVE TWO ABILITIES FROM THIS TABLE HERE

ROLLS 2 RANDOMLY

1. EXPLODE HEADS
2. RAISE ZOMBIES
3. TERRIFY PEOPLES
4. SUMON SATAN
5. EVERYBODY DIES
6. RETURN FROM DEATH ALIVE
7. EVIL FUCKIN HORSE
8. STEAL SOLES

SNAKE LASERS - YOU SHOOT A SNAKE FROM YOUR FINGERTIPS -- 3D6 PISSOIN DAMAAGE LIKE AN ARROW SAVE FOR HALF AND ON A HIT SNAKES BITE THEIR EYES

EXPLODE HEADS - PEASANT MUST SAVE OR THEIR HEAD EXPLODES. IF PEASANT SAVES DATH NIGHT TAKES 1D6 DAMAGE OF ANNOYANC

RAY'S ZOMEBIES - CAST WHEN THERE ARE DAD PEOPEL AROUND YOU. ALL DEAD POPES COME AS ZOMBIES HD 2 WHO ARE LAYOL TO YOU. BUT IF YOU LEAVES THEM ALOEN--OH NOES--THEY START EATINGS EATH OTHERS

TERRIFY PEOPLES - YOU DO SOMETHING BADASS LIKE BITE OFF YUR TONGE ANS SPIT IT AT PEOPLE WHILE LAUGHITNG. EVERYONE RUNS AWAY LIKE TURN UNDEAD, EXCEPT ON LIVING PEOPLES. EXCEPT BABIES AND CHILDREN BECAUSE BABIES DIES FROM BEING SO SCARRED

SUMMUN SATAN - SATAN SHOWS UP BUT BOY IS HE PISSED. YOU BETTER BE IN REAL TROUBLE, LIKE HALF OF YOU ARE DEAD AND COVERED N ANTS. IF EVERYONE IS STILL ALIVE HE WILL BE SUPER PISSED AND JUST EATH A DEATH KNGIHT AND THEN LEAVE. OTERWISE HE WILL BE LIKE OKAY, FINE, I GUESS I'LL HELP YOU AND HE WILL EAT SOME PALADIN OR OMETHING THIENA LEAVE.

EVERYBODY DIES - GIANT SKULL COMET FALLS ON YOU DOES 12D6 DAMAGE TO EVERYONE IN AREA, SAFE FOR HAVE, THEN IT RAINS BLOOD FOR 3D6 DAYS AND ALL ANIMALS GROW EXTRA GOAT HORNS

RETURN FROM DEATH ALIFE - IF YOU DIED DEAD, YOU CAN RETURN WITH ONE LESS HD. ALSO YOU ARE SHORTERS AND IT IS HALARIOUS

EVIL FUCKGN HORSE - YOUR HORSE IS A 4 HD WARHORSE WITH PLATE BRADDING THAT BREAFS FIRE (15" CUNE AND 3D6, ALSO IT EATS PEOPLE. IT GETS AN EAT PEPLE ATTAK EVERY ROUND. THE HORSE IS NOT MAGIC IT IS JUST SUPER ANDGRY AND SORT OF A DICK

STEAL SOLE - WHO EVER YOU MAKE KILLINGS WITH YOUR SWORD IS SUCKED ISNDIE YOUR SWROD AND THEY HAVE TO ANSER ANNIE QUESTONS YOU ASK THEM. IF YOU MAKE FUN OF THEM YOUR SWROD CRIES LIKE BLOOD AND GIVES YOU +1 TO DAMAGES.

FRAZETTA SAYS YOU CAN HAVE AN AXE
IF YOU WANT

88888888888888888

THE ADVENTURE IS NOW

788888888888888888

YOU HAVE BEEN WITH THE AEVIL ARMRY FOR A LONG TIMES, BUT NOW THE EVIL ARMIE HAVE BEEN KILLED, AND YOU NECROMANCER BOSS IS DEAD NOT UNDEAD) FOR PERMANENT NOW. THE NECROMANCER BOSS WAS PRETTY OKAY.

yOU MISSED THE FINALS BATTLES BECAUSE YOU WERE DRUNK OFF ANGLE TEARS AND SLEEP LATE AND SPENT TWO HOURS FUCIGNS AROUND WITH BREAKFAHST, AND PROBABLY SHOULD JUST NOT BOTHERED AND GOTTEN 7-11 INSTEAD

ANYWAY

NOW DEAHT KNGIHTS MUST TRAVIL BACK TO YOUR EVIL LAND FRO BEHING ENEMY LINES

YOU HAVE WITH YOU A CORSPE CATPUPLT (STATS AS CATAPULT)

IT CAN SHOOT NOT-CORPSES, BUT THE IMPS THAT RUN IT REFUSE TO THROW NOT-CORPSES, BECAUSE CORPSES ARE METAL AND THEY ARE IMMORTAL AND ALSO SORT OF ASSHOLES TOO

IN FROHNT OF YOU IS SOME PEACEFUL HIPPY KINGDOM

THEY ARE REJOICING BEAUCEUSE THEY THINK THEY THKILLED AL THE UNDEAD ARMIES AND DEATH KNGITHS, SO YOU'LL HAVE TO RUN THROUGH THEM REALY QUICK

FISRT OBSTACKEL IS A PARADE (BEDAUSE YOU FELL ASLEEP IN THE MIDDLE OF TOWN YOU DRUNKSARDS, IN A TAVERN BECAUSE ALL ADVENTURES STARTS THERE) THE PARADE IS FULL OF LIONS AND PALADINS AND NUNS AND A BOAT THAT THEY ARE DRAGGING THROUGH TOWN AND ABSOLUTELY NOT ANY LIONS . THERE IS ALSO A GIANT BARREL OF BEER ON WHEELS BEING PULLED BY FOUR HOURSES THAT SHOOT BEER AT THE CRWD. THE PRINCESS IS THER TOO AND SHE NAME IS SAMANTHOR AND SHE IS GUARDED BY TWO ELVES WEARING ONLY FLOWERS

THERE ARE ALSO MAGES BUT THEY ARE IN THEIR TOWERS BEING NERDS AND WILL NOT SHOW UP UNLESS YOU TAKE A LONG TIME

SECOND OBSTACLES IS THE SWAMP. IT IS FULL OF SERPENT PEOPLE WHO WILL TRY TO KILLL YOU WITH DRUGS AND SEXY DANCES OF NECROPHIDIUS LADIES. IF YOU FOLLOW THE ROAD YOU'LL HAVE TO GO THROUGH A FOTRESS FULL OF CELEBRATING PEOPLS, BUT IF YOU GO THROUGH THE WAMP, YOU HAVE TO DITCH THE CORPSE CATUPOLT AND THE IMPS BUT THAT'S ROUGH BECUASE THE IMPS ARE BAD SPORST AND WILL SHOT AT YOU WHEN YOU LEAVE THEM IN THE MUCK

ALSO THERE ARE BILLIONS MOSQUITOES BUT THEY DIE WHEN THEY BITE YOU

ALSO THEIR ARE A BUNCH OF PALAINDS CHASING YOU IF YOU SLOW DOWN. THEY ALL HAVE DORKY SKWIRES AND ARE ALL BLOND, EVEN THE SKWIRES. THEY ARE LED BY PALADIN NAMED CUMBERBATCH LORD ST-REGINALD

THIRD OSBSATCLE IS THE MOUNTAINS
- - -
IF YOU GOV OVER THE MONTANS, YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH GAINTS WHO THROW ROCKS BECAUSE THEY ARE SOBER. ALL TEY WANT TO DO IS SING SONGS WRESTLE BIG ANIMALS AND GET DRUNK, SO THEY ARE FRUSTATED SO IS WHY THEY DO THE ROCKS. A GIANT BARREL OF BEER IS NEEDED

IF YOU GO UNDER THE MOUNTAINS IT IS GOBLIN CAVE THAT SMELL LIKE FARTS. THEY ARE FULL OF GOBLINS WHO SHOOT TINY ARROWS AT YOUR DICKS AND WHAT DROP TRAP-ROCKS ON YOU FROM UP ABOVE. THERE TUNELS ARE A MAZE. THEIR CHEEFES NAME IS GROINGRINDER AND HE LIVES IN A BIG CHAIR ANF IF YOU MAKE HIM DEAD THE GOBLIS WILL LEAV EYOU ALONE.

AND DONT FORGET! PALADANS AND THERE SKWIRES MIGHT STILL BE MAKING CHASES!

FOURTH OBSTACLE IS NOT ON OBSTACLES BECAUSE YOU WIN

YOU ARE BACK IN MORDOOR AND YOU ARE THE NEW DEATH KINGS

IT IS TIME TO SMACK LAZY ORC UNTIL THEY FORM ARMY
TELL SUBBUCUSES TO STOP MAKING OUT
AND THE IMPS TO STOP PLAYING WITH FIRE

BECAUSE IT IS EVIL TIME AND YOU MUST KILL FARMERS AND TRAMPLE THE CABBAGES

TREASURE

THE ONLY TREASURE IS HEADS AND SKELETON BUDDIES

XP

+1 XP FOR EVERY CABBAGE TRAMPLES

this post was written for #awesomegamerday

which is some idea +Jez Gordon had that rocks

it's also written as a cheap ripoff of

joeskythedungeonbrawler

who is pretty much the most awesome gamer I know

he is probably dead or in prison

which sucks

but if he's in prison

we should raise money

and buy him hours at the prison computer

so he can blog again

and hang out with me

This post is written at the behest of +Dunkey Halton (who is sort of a gestalt person made of two people, I think? Maybe like an ettin.) If you combine this post with his post about bandit personalities you'll have enough for a complete bandit encounter / stocking a charming forest full of people who want to kill and rob you.

Bandit Hideout [d6]

1. Behind a waterfall.
2. Elaborate treehouse.
3. Abandoned tower.
4. Overgrown farm in the middle of the woods.
5. Beneath a monastery. (50% chance the monks are complicit.)
6. Riverboat moored amid thick reeds.

Bandit Agenda

1. Steal from the rich and give to the poor. If the PCs are poor, they will be given some money, perhaps grudgingly.
2. Steal from the rich, steal from the poor, and lie about it. Spend it all on shoes.
3. Sell drugs from the bushes. Wear eyepatches. Scared of dogs.
4. Kidnap a wizard in order to cure their leader of a curse (slowly turning into a cherry tree)
5. Obey these fucked up witches who lives in a tree; steal specific organs from specific people.
6. Their leader is the rightful king; they have been hired to keep him drunk and far away from town (he's always wanted to be a bandit).
7. Building a boat from stolen carriages. You're free to go. They will use this boat to sail away to a promised land that doesn't exist, at the behest of a mad "prophet".
8. Just really want to kidnap some royalty. Like, just want to touch a real princess, just once.
9. Expand their fort. Accept refugees. Develop theftocratic utopia.
10. Leader is writing a comprehensive be-all end-all guidebook to banditry. Conduct experiments during their raids.
11. Raise funding for a distant war against a terrible foe.
12. Guilt trip. [d3] 1 They need food for their starving children, 2 they're all lepers, 3 their parents need medicine to cure their black lung.

Bandit Clan Shtick [d12]

1. They all have dogs. Dogs resemble their owners. (Big shaggy dude = big shaggy dog.)
2. They have hidden ropes positioned throughout the woods. They use these to swing through the trees with frightening alacrity.
3. They have all been enslaved by goblins, who ride their shoulders, choke their necks with their feet, and pull their ears to direct them.
4. Were-toads.
5. Deposed royal family from the next kingdom over.
6. Why are they all so fat? [d3]
1. Inherited their mother's curse.
2. Ex-members of a corpulent cult, hoping to lose weight.
3. Captured 3000 pigs in a lucky raid and can't stop eating.
7. Communicate entirely through birdsong.
8. Literally insanely polite. Bourgeois affectations even while stabbing you in the guts.
9. Pretending to be orcs, in order to be more fearsome.
10. Have a magic flying canoe.
11. Have trained monkeys dyed in fearsome motley colors.
12. Have a cave troll!

Centerra uses a copper standard. 1 copper = 1 experience point.

100 copper (c) cubrek = 10 silver (s) solavo = 1 gold (g) gloriosa

copper cubreks, brek, brekker, penny, thins. 1c is about what an unskilled laborer earns in a day.

silver silavo, sil, shilling, lady, dallions. 1s is about what a very skill laborer (esteemed blacksmith) earns in a day.

gold gloriosa, crown, rooster

Centerran coins are square.

Darklands

In the Darklands, they have their own standardized currency. It has the same worth and the same abbreviations ('c', 's', and 'g') for simplicity's sake. They are minted in Yog.

100 clay = 10 steel = 1 glass (reddish or purplish glass)

Their coins are called worms. As in "You owe me 200 worms!". So this debt could be paid with 2 glass coins, each worth 100 worms. These coins are round.

Foreign Currencies

Blood Oaths (only officially recognized by orcs, but everyone else is wary to accept any)
Orcs use a negative currency. Each orcish warchief incurs a debt to their hated gods in the process of a campaign (in exchange for divine miracles) and that debt is then passed on to their subjects. Each blood oath is a promise to kill someone, and after a large campaign, each orc might find themselves with as many as two or three blood oaths. These are traded ("Hey, take this horse and my blood oath") like money, and are inherited the same way. This burden is considered spiritually binding.

Ceramic Plates (worth twice as much in Basharna)
These are literal plates, each one between one and three feet wide. Each one has been painted with the words of a master calligrapher. The values of these ceramic plates vary from plate to plate, depending on the antiquity and the skill of the master who first scribed them. To learn the value, you must travel to Marlonai and look up the value of the plate in the great catalogues there. Access to these catalogs costs money, of course. Important payments and tributes must be payed in ceramic plates.

Hungry Gold
These gold coins were developed by ancient Arkah, as a method of transporting gold secretly. Now, it is used for certain religious rites. When touched, the coins turn into liquid and enter the veins of the person who touched them (where they take up one or more inventory slots). In small amounts, they are undetectable, but in large amounts they cause the whites of the eyes to take on a golden sheen. They can only be removed by casting remove curse, followed by exsanguination. (It's also pretty inconvenient to find out that the cultist leader you just killed carried all of his wealth in his veins.) Draining the blood also works, but as the blood congeals and spoils, the gold it contains turns to lead.

Dog Bones (worth twice as much in Fangol)
Banded with gold and thrice-blessed by a horse priest.

Elven Ancestors (worth twice a much to Elves)
Elves are known for treating their ancestors poorly. (Each elf becomes the property of their children when they die; most of them intend to live forever, and are very death-averse.) Elven ancestors are captured when they die and stuffed into a pseudo-golem: a long cylinder of wood about the size of a babies fist. When a sleep spell is cast on the cylinder, it splits down the middle and reveals two flat interior sides. One names the elf contained within, and the other side contains the elf's affiliation. These are used as prestigious currency, but they can (in theory) also be used to power elven ghost golems.

Feroxite Spinning Ingots (worth twice as much in Asria)
There is a magical ore called feroxite. It is used to make wands and staffs. It is sometimes transported as ore, but is sometimes purified and cut down into small, conical ingots, each only about a kilogram. Counterfeit ingots are impossible to make, because when a feroxite ingot is set on the floor, it stands on its "nose" and rotates like a top.

Filth (worthless except to filth goblins)
Some goblins, filth goblins, love garbage. They buy it by the boatload. The filthier the better. Now, it is a non-trivial question if you have to compared a knotted pile of 24 shit-stained bedsheets with 100 rusty doorknobs and a charred zombie corpse. Filth goblins have developed an intricate method of appraising, discussing, and predicting the value of things based on their origin, characteristics, and artistry. It doesn't merit any more examination, but just know that goblins will sometimes pay top-dollar for a barge full of mouldering pie tins.

Gemspheres (worth twice as much in Meltheria)
Meltherian Wizards use spherical gemstones as currency. This is because they are rich and ostentatious, and because spherical gems can be used in all manner of minor magic tricks.

Golden Cubes (worth constant)
It is known that dwarves do not mint coins. Dwarves convert all of their wealth into gold at the first opportunity. (They do not accept any currency except gold either.) Then, all of their gold is melted down and fused together and used to make a single gold cube. Each dwarf will own a single golden cube. When they wish to trade, they shave pieces off their cube. These have a constant price everywhere.

Dragon coins (worth constant?)
This is what happens to a normal coin when it remains in a single dragon's possession for too long. Dragons hoard gold--they do not use it. That same hoarding instinct is eventually imbued in the gold, which becomes home to a sympathetic spirit over the strange centuries. Each coin changes gradually until it depicts a replica of the dragon. (If coins have been added to a dragon's hoard over the years, you can see a spectrum of faces. The most recent coins depict the local king, while the oldest coins show a dragon, and the intermediate coins show intermediate faces.) Dragon coins are meant to be hoarded, not spent, and each gold coin has a 10% chance of turning to lead whenever it changes owners.

Hate Seeds (worth twice as much in the Darklands)
These are seeds from a poisonous tree. They are used in a number of other poisons and have a long shelf-life. When testing for counterfeits, suspected coins are fed to songbird, who literally melt to death if the currency is genuine.

Names (worth twice as much in Abasinia)
Administered by the Princemaker's Guild in Abasinia, Heavenly Names are simply titles that are attached to your soul. These cannot be stolen; they can only be given willingly. They are also immune to counterfeiting. If you possess a Heavenly Name, you have but to announce it, and all who hear you will Know that you are speaking true. It is a primal understanding on a fundamental level that cannot be imitated. If you are not speaking your own Heavenly Name, it sounds like any other series of words. There are also curse-names, that have a negative value.

Noserings (worth twice as much in the Frozen South)
Not only are noserings worn by warriors, they are also stripped from the battlefield dead (a tradition that is said to offset the cost of the war for the victor). Defeated warrior ghosts are always seen with torn noses. These nose rings are sometimes carried on a string, but they are more often woven into elaborate beard- and hair-braids.

Paper Notes (worthless outside of Kathar)
While Kathari Trade Queens may love to issue paper notes in vast quantities, they are not widely recognized. In some countries, including neighboring Tau Solen, paper money is given as an insult. Part of the problem stems from the constant issuance of new types of paper money, each one backed by different Trade Queen, who themselves experience fluctuating values. Most people think that paper money is a terribly stupid idea.

Oxhead Tokens (worth twice as much to the Temple)
The Temple has an internal currency called Oxhead Tokens. Each one has the stamped face of an ox on it, and is supposed to be worth one ox sacrifice in exchange. Ostensibly, these tokens can only be spent on things that are good for your soul, like exorcisms, temple prostitutes, home blessings, and hiring a priest to pray away your sin (or for sins that haven't yet been committed). This last category is the business of Indulgences: buying prayers. It's like carbon offsets. It's subject to a small amount of speculation and banking as well. Each token is circular and has a small ampule of holy water set into the center of it.

Rai Stones (worthless except on the Great Sea of Suloi)
These are round boulders, at least six feet in diameter. Unlike most currency, they are valued not for their beauty, usefulness, or royal decree, but because of how hard they are to make and transport. It's a matter of honor. Put a rai stone on a mountain top and it will be worth more than if it is left in the harbor. But because their value comes from their location, people sometimes own rai stones that are very far away. One rai stone fell off a ship, and now sits at the bottom of the harbor at Whore Island, and even there, it has an owner and a value. In fact, ownership of rai stones are usually enforced merely by public agreement. If you wish to sell your rai stone, part of its sale involves publicly giving it away. There have been cases where a populace revolted against a leader and stripped him of all his wealth simply by agreeing that they were stealing his rai stones. And by agreement, they did. All rai stones are made from red stone from the isle of Zankatzu, near the city of Gengrimon.

Salt
Worth full value everywhere.

Shingles (worth twice as much in Tau Solen)
Moving away from centrally-issued currencies, the small townships of Tau Solen each issue their own currency, which is then honored by all the others. Originally, these "coins" were printed on whatever is most convenient, but now they tend to be printed on small shingles.

Tomb Keys (worth twice as much to Dwarves)
Dwarves spend their whole lives thinking about how they are going to be buried. They spend more on their tombs than they do on their homes, and so ownership of a splendid tomb is something to be desired. Dwarves also build more tombs than they actually need (which is why dwarven cities are about 50% empty tombs, once you move away from the main thoroughfares). One reason they build so many tombs is because they can be easily traded: you just give away the key, which will be engraved with the name of the dwarven city where the tomb is located, the number of the tomb, and the number of cubic feet of space the tomb contains. In theory, each cubic foot is worth 1 copper.

Wooden Coins (worth twice as much on the Zeban Sea)
The sea-going Marinel use painted wooden coins, made from a valuable wood that is prized for it's strength and lightness, each with a burnt brand on one side and a thick layer of paint. They use these coins for one reason: it floats.

I've only included the monsters that are interesting and/or non-trivial. Some of them are inside PDFs, so you'll have to go through the PDFs to find them.

Aside from that, this is a complete index of all the monsters I've ever posted. It's from all 3 of my settings (Centerra, Eldritch Americana, and Synthexia). Mostly Centerra, though. Nearly all of them have stats, but not all.

I'll update this list as I add more beasties. Last update: 8/8/15.

Adventuring Party, Rival - Five examples.
Alabaster Homunculi - Like marble statues that abduct you.
Alabaster Hound of Yog - Amnesia-inducing, hairless hounds. (Book of Tigers PDF)
Amberino - Tiny electrical buddies for fulgarite elementals. (Book of Mice PDF)
Angel
- Chorus - Swarming spirits of the unborn.
- Messenger - Baby-faced cherubs with magic arrows that are depressing to kill.
- Preacher - Winning hearts and minds.
- Sentinel - Too beautiful to wound, these angels brand targets with the "enemy of heaven" rune.
- Wheel - Strange, judgemental creatures with a martyr-maker mechanic.
Animated Barrel - Fond of swallowing people and then rolling down stairs.
Ant, Giant - Includes rules for infiltrating their nest (the only way to make giant ants interesting).
Anomalocaris - Giant predatory shrimp.
Antediluvian Crocodilian - Slouching crocodile born from your own genome. (Book of Mice PDF)
Astral Peacock - Spread feathers force your soul from your body. (Meal of Oshregaal PDF)
Awakened, The - Who have realized the unspeakable truth about the universe. And an adventure.
Bandits - NPCs murderhobos.
Barnacle Man - Heavy-shelled jerks who live in sea-caves and weaponize sea fauna.
Berserker, Asthmatic - Furious berserkers for a few rounds, then they slow down.
Berserker - Crush! Kill! Destroy! They come in many different flavors.
Beast of Four Sorrows - Melancholy beasts formed from four tragic souls. (Book of Tigers PDF)
Black Wind Tree - Carnivorous tree with mutagenic fruit that controls air. (Meal of Oshregaal PDF)
Blobbins - Blue, boneless goblins who live in jars that they haunt after death.
Blue Breath Devils - Exiles from the planet's inner sun. Smoke creatures that haunt your lungs.
Bomba Bird - Degenerate phoenixes.
Bone Needle Man - Skull-rattling doom skeletons that tap into the Edgeless Sharp (Book of Mice PDF)
Bringers of the Dawn - Formerly Heralds of Immaculate Morning. Cult of the Good.
- High Priests - Peaceful killers, not too different from normal clerics.
Cannon Lizard - Drags a cannon ball in its tail, which it is capable of firing, then re-swallowing.
Cave Clam - Immobile, bubble-spitting maws filled with flying suicide drones.
Cave Cricket - Bite grants infravision, but also light blindness.
Chelinausca - Centipede people. Masters of the morlocks and rightful rulers of the surface world.
Craniac + Ixian Jumping Spiders - Flying heads that barf out spiders.
Crawling Giant - Despondent giants that crawl through the earth.
Cumulonictus - Jellyfish the size of a cloud. Floats in the clouds, plucking up prey. (Book of Tigers PDF)
Daisy Sharks - Related to mosquito larva, adjacent dirt has the consistency of water.
Demon
- Bone - Rude demons whose poison causes all of your bones to fuse together.
- Gas - Swallow hope and fart insanity.
- Lemure - You don't roll to see how much damage you do, you roll to see how many you kill.
- Tongue - Size-changing demons that replace your tongue with their bodies.
Devil - These are just demons who have sworn the Oaths. See Demon, above.
Dragoneater - Dire mongooses that excel at killing dragons.
Druhok - The women are mute women, the men are incomprehensibly virile goat people.
Dungeon Barnacle - The only monster in this bestiary with a hooked penis attack.
Dungeon Bug - Tiny pests that can cause people to behave as if they were bugs as well.
Dungeon Dryad - Keeper of the subterranean grove. Includes stats for dungeon plants.
Egg Bearer - Gelatinous tiger with weaponized dreams and an egg inside their body.
Egg of Kioz - Floating metal eggs with time powers and a weaponized youth beam.
Ego Sprite - Figments of your imagination that thrive on popularity.
Elemental -
- Beer - Drunkeness incarnate, it barfs and sometime falls over for no reason.
- Fire - Explodes when killed. Requires fuel.
- Fulgarite - Lightningstruck fused-sand elementals with suicidal tendencies. (Book of Mice PDF)
- Laser - Move tremendously fast and fire many lasers.
Eternal Slug - Zone of slow and swallow attack.
Fairy
- Candy - Turn your horrible old weapons into sugar.
- Flower - Turn your boring old food into flowers.
- Gem - Turn your shiny gold into awesome glitter.
- Ice - Turn all of dangerous flammables into lovely toys.
- Tooth - Can steal the teeth right out of your head.
False Hydra - Grow out of the sewers and eat people. They live in our blindspaces.
False Star - Pseudostars that abduct people.
Feral Infants - Sufferers of Feral Infant Syndrome. You can't just kill them; they're babies!
Flying Clobstrok - Face-grabbing, cliff-jumping crab-spiders. (Book of Mice PDF)
Flying Flechettia Swarm - Flying flowers that drop like weighted arrows. (Book of Mice PDF)
Flying Snail - Antigravitic shells. Their poison stings take effect later, and all at once.
Fragrant Mother - Huge carnivorous plant with a charming scent an internal dungeon.
Froglock - A former wizard being consumed by a parasitic spell, as they turn froggy.
Frothmonger - Some poor bastard colonized by sentient yeast.
Fungal Angels/Demons - Haters of symmetry.
Fyrinx - Lobsters that live in your stomach and stab your organs if you don't obey them. (I should merge these with jelly-johns. . .)
Gengrigar - Rubbery purple ogres who troll the people they come across.
Ghoul - Corpulent, lively, jocular ex-humans who devour the dead.
- Half-ghoul - People in the middle of the process of becoming a ghoul.
Ghoul Bear - Shuffling, carnivorous, raggy bears with paralytic breath.
Giant, Fungal - Spore-laden suicidal giants full of overheard sentience.
Glommerwhist - Hair spiders. (Book of Mice PDF)
Golem, Coral - Paralytic fists. AC crumbles away as it takes damage.
Gore Police - Produce impossible levels of gore and gain abilities as they take damage.
Gretchling - The mascot of this site! Degenerate goblins with super-cowardice. (Book of Mice PDF)
Guino - Skin-weasels that fuse themselves with your body and shit out babies.
Gurgan - Disgusting, pathetic things that sling curses. Better avoided than fought.
Hagula - Hagfish people that drink blood, masters of freak bioscience.
Hallucigenia - Needle-legged weirdos who try to kill you in your dreams if you kill them.
Helican - Dire pelican what swallows every'un.
Homemade Unicorns - "Unicorns" made through the vivisection of stolen children.
Hoplick - Flailing plant-beast with extreme bitterness.
Hum Sloth - While humming, everyone takes damage for every 10' they move.
Hungry Coffin - Flying metal coffins full of surprises, like an evil, hungry pinata.
Indescribable Leviathan - Giant monster that literally defies description. (Book of Tigers PDF)
Inexorable Beast - Returns when killed with new powers and counters.
Intellect Devourer - Body snatchers with diverse cultures.
Intellect Devourer, Giant Mutant - Prevent both characters and players from using big words.
Ishi-Mishi-Manafa - Pink, spring-dwelling monkeys that win protectors through charm. (Book of Mice PDF)
Jabberwocky - The Questing Beast. An entire quest from a single wandering monster check.
Jiragula - Neon eels that sometimes become invincible, fly, and scream. (Book of Mice PDF)
Knight of Kel Dravonis - Flesh-crafting death knights that compete for the weirdest steed.
Lake Drake - Degenerate dragons that can fly directly from the water.
Mayfly Sprite - Curse-flinging fey that only live for one day. (Book of Mice PDF)
Meat Man - Created by unlucky castings of stone to flesh on statues. Causes obesity on a hit.
Mermaid - They want to gossip and eat manflesh.
Meteor Eater - It's a flying meteor that hungers for the calcium in your bones.
Monkeyrat - Most of the temperate cities used to have rats.
Morlock
Granger - Subterranean humans bred to be mounts.
Killian - Subterranean humans bred for servitude. Lavish and loving.
Squealer - Juvenile morlocks who run for help.
Stygian - Psychics who can see through walls.
Varicose - Small, climbing, murderous, stabby little bastards.
Mossman - Lumpy ex-humans who can join together and separate freely.
Mudman - Gooey bastards that have a suicide attack.
Mutant Dinosaur Generator - Generates mutant dinosaur.
Noxenswine - Necromantic pig balloons filled with poisonous gases.
Octaro - One of eight corporeal "people" (tentacles) of an extradimensional beast.
Ooze
- Flying Fusion - Eats people, then fuses them into servants for itself.
Opabinia - Flying threats that bite, run away, then return for a second bite.
Owlbear - They throw themselves from trees during full moons and hock up bone-laden pellets.
Persuadable Maggot - Giant maggot made from rotten meat by villagers. (Book of Mice PDF)
Popkin - Mustachioed rabbits that explode when killed. Glamour pets. (Book of Mice PDF)
Powerman - Level 1 fighter possessed by invincible lightning-warrior spirit from a past age.
Pseudo-Imaginary Dinosaur - Phantasms that rely on being perceived to exist.
Psychoplasm
- Antagonistic - Hyperadactive shape-shifting jelly. (Book of Mice PDF)
- Atavistic - Fires devolution beams & prevents characters from making smart good.
- Chaotic - Chaos incarnate. Roll on a d20 table each turn to see what it does.
- Retributive - Hyperadaptive attack-shifting jelly.
Quantum Ogre - Splits into two identical ogres whenever it takes damage.
Quillypig - Giant porcupines who teleport spines into their targets.
Revenant, Biomantic - Normal-ish dudes who explode into 4 monsters (muscle, skeleton, skin, ghost) when killed.
Rompers - Giant otters. A Centerran staple.
Royal Cannibals - Subterranean ex-royals with the biology and society of ants.
Sandman - Regenerate on sandy surfaces, save vs sleep if you kill them.
Saprocyte Surfaces - The floors and walls will drink your blood if you stop moving.
Sarcosyrinx - Flying gulp-eels who are more invisible the better you know them. (Book of Tigers PDF)
Shade - Undead who wreathes your vision and memories in shadows. Darkvision is a bad idea.
Shadow Child - Shadow archers who pin your shadow to the floor and devour it.
Siege Monkey - Huge things like stegosaurs that throw stones with their tails.
Sinister Folk - Eerie fey than can only be seen in your left eye.
Skeleton Hero - Four arms, four scimitars, and a counterattack if you miss him.
Skeleton Jelly - Shitty skeleton-dude who is immune to damage.
Slime, Catapult - Normally standard ooze that throws chunks of itself.
Slime, Faffernacky - Supernaturally delicious ooze compels you to eat it.
Sludge Vampires - Intelligent, blood-draining, skin-wearing oozes.
Songful Bagman - Sac-like eyeball bastards who lure birds into their stomach through song. (Book of Mice PDF)
Spazbat - Twitchy teleporting bat that drinks your blood by teleporting it into its stomach.
Steeds - Orns, Witch Weasels, Bottled Steeds, Faerie Horses, and Jellybears.
Stirge - Flying, flaccid bloodsuckers. Includes rules for dungeon honey.
Succubus - Ancestral ghost determined to spread the semen of a living relative.
Terophidian - If I ever write a Centerra bestiary, this guy is going on the cover.
Tortoise Tsar - Despotic dungeon kings and quest givers.
Trilobite - Crawling biters that carrying a disease that turns you into a trilobite.
Troll
- Green - Rubbery, regenerating bastards. Full write-up.
- Longtail - Become as weak as a child if their tail is grabbed. Full write-up.
- Rock - Petrified by light. Full write-up.
- Rock, Elder (Galeb Duhr) - Can animate boulders. Full write-up.
Tubular Peacock - Nozzle-headed slug-birds that sometimes barf green slime.
Tumble Melon Tree - Melon-lobbing trees that rely on you eating their healing fruit.
Tunnel Snake - Burrowing cave snakes with death breath. (Book of Mice PDF)
Turbo Grub - Cross between a rot grub and that rabbit from Monty Python.
Tuskman - Chaos viking with walrus tusks and other mutations.
Undead Vikings - Exactly that.
Unicorn Addict - Pacifistic weirdos who have eaten too much unicorn dung.
Vampire - Pathetic victims of a disease.
Vector Skeleton - Wireframe creatures that frequently glitch out.
Volguloi - This is what happens when worms eat wizard brains.
Wicked Jelly-John - Alien rat-things that want you to eat them. (Book of Mice PDF)
Wise Parasites - Prophetic insects that parasitize dust drakes.
Witch's Laundry - Animated attack clothing that animates the clothing you are wearing.
Wiwaxia - Prehistoric spine chucker. Like a wyverns tail that crawls.
Wizlocks - Degenerate wizard-gnomes.
Worm
- Bolgen - Size-changing tapeworms. (Book of Tigers PDF)
- Corpsegrinder - Barf acid and bones. Hunger for undead. Purple worm replacement.
- Fangolian Ear - Learn their name and they'll grow in your brain. (Book of Mice PDF)
- Labial - Wall-bursting blood-kissers.
Yoblins - Filthy, fungal goblins with a strange life cycle.
Zondervoze - Supersentient creature made up of unwitting, normal humans. A zeitgeist.

Illustrated by the excellent +Luka Rejec
What panache! (Both artist and art.)

HD 6 AC plate Claws 1d12/1d12
Move 18 Int 8 Mor 8

Incredible Leaping Ability - 40' standing horizontal, 20' vertical.

Void Adapted - Can survive happily in a vacuum. Can hold breath for 2 hours.

Maim - Any slashing attack that does at least 6 points of damage severs a random limb. If this is an arm, it loses one of its attacks. If it is a leg, it's speed is cut in half. This provokes a morale check. Severed limbs can be re-attached in a single round, but are not regenerated.

Wants to kill people, organize items, and wear hats.

Fights by intelligently but extremely aggressively, tearing off arms, breaking jaws in half with both hands.

They look like blue-skinned ogres with deformed, vaguely-elephantine heads. They behave as beasts, except that they wear clothing. They are fond of wide-brimmed hats and long cloaks. They are vegetarians.

They live in caves, thickets, and abandoned places. They do not use weapons. They do not speak or respond to speech. They ignore animals, but kill every sentient creature they come across, and bury them in straight lines after stripping them all all equipment and clothing.

Each thungrum keeps an inventoried hoard of stolen items, always immaculately organized. Items are sorted by size, color, and purpose. They are deaf, but have a keen sense of smell. They have good eyesight, but do not close their red-rimmed eyes until they are dead.

Ogres know and fear them.

The Madness of the Thungrum (roll when first encountered) [d10]
1. Elaborate pantomime of surprise before attacking.
2. Will keep its distance, throwing pebbles. It will attack one round later.
3. Will charge through the party before returning 2 rounds later to attack.
4. Appears in front of the party to stare at them. Prepares an action to leap at and attack the first person to do anything at all.
5. Attempts to join the party, usually walking at the end of the column. Attacks as as soon as it is noticed.
6. Surprise attack! Sudden, horrible death.
7. Party is unnoticed. Thungrum is staring at the sun.
8. Party is unnoticed. Thungrum is lying on the bottom of a stream, breathing through its long nose.
9. Party is unnoticed. Thungrum is in its lair, noisily arranging its collection.
10. Party is unnoticed. Thungrum is burying people it has killed, kissing each one.

Hoard of the Thungrum (roll 1d6 twice, then 1d20 twice)
1. 2d6 pairs of shoes, each worth 5gp.
2. 1d6 chests of silverware, each worth 20gp
3. 1d20 fancy hats, each worth 10gp.
4. 1d6 suits of medium armor, each one different and worth 50gp.
5. 1d6 barrels of trade goods. Beer, silk, or spices. Each worth 50gp.
6. 1d100 copper coins, 1d100 silver coins, and 1d100 gold coins.
7. Suit of ceremonial platemail with a rooster theme.
8. An entire wagon, entirely dismantled and sorted by size.
9. 1d1000 golden coins arranged by condition.
10. A spellbook with 1d4+1 spells, each page unbound and framed.
11. 2d6 books, arranged by color.
12. A full set of furniture (bed, table, sink, bath tub) adorns the cave.
13. 2d6 half-feral cats.
14. 2d6 weapons, arranged by color. 5-in-6 one is masterwork, 1-in-6 it is magic instead.
15. 2d6 paintings. (Note to self: write a painting generator.)
16. 2d6 women's dresses, arranged by length.
17. In dozens of alcoves, the sorted pieces of a dozen clocks.
18. 3d6 differently colored liquids, each in a vial. 1 is poison, 1d6 are potions.
19. laser pistol (3d6 damage, 1d6 charges left)
20. 2d6 cloaks, 1-in-6 that one of them is a Cloak of the Thungur (huge leaps, but you are unable to do any action except attack something directly or remove the cloak)

DM Secret: Thungrum are ogroids engineered for space combat. When they arrive on Centerra (by one method or another) the nitrogen-rich atmosphere drives them insane. Somewhere in the back of each Thungrum's brain, there is an intelligent, noble warrior struggling to communicate.

HD 12 AC plate Attacks 1d8/1d8/2d8
Move 15 Fly 24 Int 12 Mor 9

Terrifying - NPCs must make a morale check when first engaging a dragon. PCs must make a save vs fear (1d6 rounds) the first time the dragon attacks them, and each time a PC is killed dead. PCs who have killed a dragon get +4 to save against dragon fear (cumulative per dragon killed, until immune). They also get to write "DRAGONSLAYER" on their character sheet.

Fire Breath - Usable every 1d4 rounds. 6d6 fire, 60' cone, save for half. If you have a shield, save to avoid all damage.

Reprisal 2 - Up to twice per round, make a 1d8 melee attack against an opponent after they make an melee attack against you.

Mettle 2 - Twice per day, reroll a failed save. It cannot use this ability when below half health. It cannot use this ability against ice effects, or things that target dragons specifically.

I usually run low-level games, so I imagine this dragon being appropriate for a level 3-5 party.

So, I've been thinking about the same things that +Gus L was thinking about when he wrote his post about making big boss beasts more resilient against the usual PC tactic of surrounding them with NPCs and winning simple because they get 12 attacks vs the dragon's 3.

Fear is a good way to keep the mooks off the dragon. You might bring six mercenaries, but 4 of them lose their nerve as soon as they see how big the damn thing is.

And an AoE attack is also a good cure for the swarm tactics. True, there are arrows and other ranged attacks, but if the party has enough room to shoot arrows, they're probably outdoors, and if they're outdoors, the dragon can just drop boulders on them, do strafing runs of fire breath, etc. I'm not too worried about a dragon outdoors.

Reprisal is yet another countermeasure against swarm tactics, and another way to punish people who want to get into melee with a dragon. That's like a rabbit wanting to get into melee with a wolf.

And lastly, Mettle provides some insulation against save-or-die effects. There's still a chance you can baleful polymorph the dragon into a snail on the first turn, but it's much smaller. Allowing certain abilities to pierce Mettle means that prepared parties aren't screwed. And lastly, the fact that Mettle vanishes once the dragon is below half health, means that players might want to start throwing save-or-die effects once the dragon is bloodied. If they've gotten the dragon to half health, they've earned it.

The biggest downside to Mettle is that it's largely a gamist mechanic. Sure, you can pass it off as "legendary willpower" or something, but it's not intuitive. Honestly, once the party got into combat with the dragon, I'd probably just read them the text from Mettle so they know how it works.

Further re dragons:

Of course, the best counter for player-level plotting is intelligence.

Dragons are smart enough to beat a tactical retreat when they get surrounded. If they retreat deeper into their lair (flying down the vertical abyss) you can rest assured that the dragon has an excellent ambush spot prepared up ahead. Perhaps they attack after loosing some rolling boulders. Or when the party is crossing a narrow span, single-file.

And if a dragon is forced to retreat outside of its lair, that's not a problem either. They'll ambush the party when they attempt to leave the lair, performing strafing runs as their breath attack refreshes, careful to stay out of arrow range. Or, they'll block off the dungeon with boulders, and return after hunger and thirst have weakened the party.

Dragons rarely live alone. They have a mate and some whelps, or they surround themselves with servants: kobolds, goblins, or humans who benefit from the dragon cult.

Centerra only has one race of dragons (no stupid spectrum of rainbow powers) but it does have a lot of unique, singular dragons. Most dragons out in the wilderness are one-of-a-kind.

Man Dragon

It looks like a human, bent, stretched, and warped by biomancy into a mockery of a dragon, imitating their size and shape.

It does not have Terrify or Fire Breath.

Horrify - Like Terrify, except that previous experience against dragons is no help, and targets that fail their save lose their next turn as they vomit noisily and gain 2 trauma points.

Shockwave Shout - Usable every 1d4 rounds. 60' cone, 3d6 damage and knocks targets back to the range of the cone, where they land prone. If they collide with a solid object, they take 1d6 damage for every 10' more they would have traveled. Save negates initial damage, but not the knockback, unless they are holding on to something solid.

Origami Dragon

It does not have Fire Breath. Instead of bypassing Mettle with ice, it is bypassed with fire.

Origami Breath - Usable every 1d4 rounds. 2d6 slashing, 60' cone, save for half. Covers entire area in caltrops.

Made of Paper - Double damage from slashing or fire, triple damage from piercing.

Pinata Dragon

The Pinata dragon is summoned by ringing the fiesta bell on level 4 of the luchador's dungeon. The longer it exists, the more treasure you get when it is defeated. However, the older it is, the more dangerous it is.

Lacks Fire Breath and is not Terrifying. Is weak to fire, not ice, similar to the origami dragon.

Party Breath - Usable every 1d4 rounds. Deals 1d6 slashing damage for every 2 HD of the dragon, generates an equal number of gemstones worth 100gp each.

Growth

HD = number of rounds it has existed. Max 12. On round 12+1d4, the dragon vanishes.
Damage = d4s for HD 1-3, d6s for HD 4-7, and d8s for HD 8+
Regenerates 3 HP per turn.
Takes half damage from non-bludgeoning weapons. Resists magic 5% per HD.

Sludge Dragon
Lacks Fire Breath. It cannot fly.

Sticky - Anyone hitting it with a melee weapon must succeed on a Str check or the weapon remains embedded in the dragon.

Sludge Bomb - Usable once every 1d4 rounds. Bursts like a fireball with a 20' radius, 200' range. Targets take 3d6 damage and are covered with acidic sludge that deals 1d6 damage and slowing targets (half speed, -2 to hit) until they are washed off with water. If they are struck a second time, they are immobilized. A save halves the initial damage and avoids being covered in acidic sludge.

the horror that is the MAN DRAGON

So a lot of games establish player bonds during character creation.

"You once fought along side the person to your left."

"You have sworn to protect the person on your right."

Et cetera. And that's a pretty cool idea. But. . . it's possible for that sweet backstory to drop into the background. Players and DMs might easily forget that Alice swore to protect Bob.

Hopefully, if those bonds are represented mechanically, they'll be more in the forefront of everyone's mind. For example, if two member of your adventuring party are ex-husband and ex-wife, they might share a Vendetta, and be paying very close attention to each other's turns, because the Vendetta ability triggers whenever the other person fumbles.

big barda by Mike Hawthorne

Player-Player Bonds

1. Battle Brothers/Sisters - Years spent fighting together.
You each get +1 to hit as long as you attack the same target as your battle brother/sister simultaneously.

2. Destined Twins - You share everything.
Your HP is pooled and shared between the two of you. Any negative physical effect that happens to one of you happens to the other, including death and or maiming. (e.g. sympathetic limp if the other one loses a leg, nausea if the other one throws up, etc.) This also works well for conjoined twin characters.

3. Favored Son or Daughter - You adventure alongside your offspring.
Your favored son or daughter must be lower level than you (and therefore, probably created after you). They must also be the same race and class. As long as you begin each session asking them "So what have we learned from all this?" they gain XP 10% faster, and whenever you assist them, you can double your bonuses you add to their attempt.

4. Friendship - Merry and Pippin.
You each get +4 to save vs fear when fighting beside each other.

5. Love - Shouldering one another's burdens.
When the object of your love would be hit in combat, you can take the blow instead. This doubles the damage that the attack does. Only works if you are adjacent to the target.

6. Master or Mistress - You have a servant or a slave.
Whenever you would take damage that would drop you to 0 HP or less, you can shove your servant in the way instead, as long as they are adjacent to you. You take no damage, and your servant takes twice as much damage as you would have taken.

7. Multiple Personalities - A person of two minds.
This isn't really a player bond, it's more of a metagame mechanic. Two players play this character, so if player A isn't there, player B plays that character. If both players are there, treat the character as if they were 1 level higher. If there is disagreement of what to do, flip a coin to determine who the dominant soul is. This dominant soul cannot be challenged for 30 minutes of game time.

8. Protected - People are guarding you with their life.
If you take no damage during an entire gameplay session, everyone gets +10% xp. If you die, everyone gets half xp this session.

9. Rivalry - Striving to outdo one another.
When your rival gets a critical success, you get +4 on your next roll of the same type and crit on a 19-20, as long as it's made quickly. You don't necessarily want them to fail, you just want to outdo them.

10. Servant or Slave - You have a master or mistress.
If your master spends their entire action giving you a command, you immediately get a free action to carry it out. (Hopefully this leads to lots of "Iago, slay this villanous goblin!" "Yes, master! I attack the goblin!") You must succeed on a Charisma check to disobey your master, or lie to them. (You should also decide if you love your master or hate them.)

11. Sworn to Protect - Bound by honor.
If you are standing adjacent to the person you are sworn to protect, you can take hits for them. Whenever they would take damage from a melee attack, you can roll an attack roll against the monster who damaged them. If you succeed, the protected person takes no damage, and you instead take twice as much damage as they would have taken.

12. Vendetta - Filled with schadenfreude.
Whenever the target of your hate critically fumbles a roll, you get a +4 on the first roll you make next turn, and critical on a 19-20. The other person doesn't have to be a hated enemy. They could just be a cleric from another religion, or your ex.

How to Implement These?

I don't fuckin know. Maybe at character creation, players who agree to a bond start with -1000xp for every bond or something. This doesn't de-level them down to level 0, it just delays how long it takes for them to reach level 2.

These Aren't Balanced!

I know. This was more of a brainstorming session, actually.

by Abigail Larson

This is another brainstorming session.

I'm trying to invent paired classes: two players choose two characters that have highly complimentary abilities. Or even co-dependent abilities.

from Bioshock

Rideable Brute

Brutish
Even even level, increase the damage you deal with non-magical 2-handed weapons by +1. Except for magic hammers. You can still use magic hammers and get the bonus.

Meatbag
Double your HP. Double your rate of non-magical healing. You cannot wear armor. You get -2 AC.

Cleave??
Whenever you kill something with a blunt weapon, you can make a free attack roll against a target within 30'. Note that you aren't cutting two people in half with one swing, you're smacking goblins into goblins, or knocking a orc's head across the room like a fanged golfball. Usable only 1/round.

Mosh
Whenever you shove or trip someone in combat, your Rider (if any) gets a free attack roll against them.

Extra Carrying Capacity
Treat your Strength as 4 points higher when calculating carrying capacity.

Party Crasher
Whenever you initiate combat by breaking down a door and barging into a room, you reduce all damage you take by 3 for one turn, and your Brute Rider can make a free attack.

Dramatic Exit
This is the equivalent of Gandalf and the Balrog falling off the bridge together. At the end of a charge, you can make an opposed Str check against a target instead of an attack roll. If you succeed, you grapple the target and charge offstage. The target dies 90% of the time; the other 10% of the time it returns later on to piss you off. You remain offstage until your Rider whistles you back (see below). If you have a rider, they are forced to hop off or suffer the same 90% die chance. You can only use this ability when there is a place to dramatically charge to, such as a deep pit, a dark and stormy sea, or a green devil face.

by Wildweasel339

Brute Rider

Dramatic Whistle
When you whistle, your a Rideable Brute who is offstage (from using Dramatic Exit) has a 50% chance to return in an equally dramatic fashion (usually busting through the wall). You can use this whistle once every 10 minutes, but never in the same room twice. This provokes a random encounter check as usual for noise--but if this whistle results in both the Brute and a random encounter happening, both of those parties bust into the room already mid-combat (and probably with the brute trying to ride the elephant-snake or something).

Knee Chokehold
If you successfully pin a target, you can climb up on their shoulders and wrap your legs around their neck. In this position, you can instantly choke them unconscious or even kill them. You can do these things even as a reaction, when it's not your turn, fast enough to interrupt another person's action. You usually use this ability to coerce unwilling creatures into being your mount.

Motivate the Brute
Whenever you are riding a Rideable Brute and get a critical hit with a weapon, your brute immediately gets an extra attack (but not any movement).

Eject
Instead of rolling to save against an AoE effect, you can instead choose to avoid it all together, by jumping 1d4 * 10' in a random direction.

Fancy Rider
When you are riding something and wearing a fancy hat, you get an additional +1 to hit and AC (in addition to the +1 to hit and AC you normally get for riding on a tall steed). Remember that you cannot attack people on the ground with short weapons (like daggers).

Throwable
If your Rideable Brute (or other ogre-sized thing) throws you, you travel up to 50' and take no collision damage if you successfully hit your target, or alternatively, make a Dexterity check. If you hit a target at the end of this, you can add the Rideable Brute's Str bonus to the damage. Treat this as a charge (among other things, you deal double damage with a lance).

Magic Drugs
Once per day, you can give some drugs. Target must be willing, or you must be able to stuff drugs up their nose somehow. You can use this ability an additional time every odd level (so 2/day at level 3, etc).

List of Magic Drugs

1. Rouse - Wakes a sleeping person and makes them immune to sleep for 24 hours. They still become exhausted as usual, though. Dying creatures also stabilize and wake up.

2. Rage - Identical to a barbarians rage. (You probably have your own ruleset, but I like +2 to hit, +2 to damage, immune to fear and pain, cannot do anything defensive or tactical, and cannot stop raging until all enemies are defeated.)

3. Opiate - Target gets +1d8 temporary HP. The next day, their maximum HP is decreased by the same amount, to a minimum of 1.

4. Bath Salts - Target becomes immune to emotions. The first time they take damage while in this state, there is a 1-in-6 chance that they fly into a rage (see above) except that they'll attack a random person in front of them and try to eat their face. (People riding on their back don't count.) Regardless, this effect ends after 1d6 minutes.

5. Amphetamines - Target increases their movement by +6 for 10 minutes. (So a human could run as fast as a horse.) Afterwards, they get -6 movement for 1 hour. (So a human's speed would be halved.)

by Casey Parkhurst

Discussion

Well, I like the flavor.

Huge HP, super-shitty AC is fun. I've played with a similar rule for my homebrew barbarians (I call it loincloth HP) and so far it hasn't pissed me off you.

The Brute's abilities all point to a very specific playstyle: kick down the door, start shoving people, and then tackle people off a cliff. I worry that it might be too restrictive, but hopefully, the people who play this class desire exactly that type of play.

The Rider's abilities are a little less cohesive. Carry a spiral lance, shove drugs down the nose of your Brutesteed, and prepare to get thrown now and then. The Knee Chokehold isn't mechanically very impressive (it's just putting a gun to someone's head and telling them to carry you around and do what you say), but spelling it out like that reinforces the option enough that players might see that as a first resort, which is potentially cool.

The most interesting ability on this page, though, is the Dramatic Whistle / Dramatic Exit pairing. It sort of plays around with the idea that there is a place called "offstage" (something shared with my doppleganger class). Yes, gamist. Yes, storygamey. But it looks hella fun (Blarguntharg tackled the illithid into the bottomless pit; we're done here but we need to wander around the dungeon looking for him and whistling.) and I don't think it's OP, given how restrictive it is. (How many mechanics require a bottomless pit to be nearby?)

by Matt Kohr

Using This Stuff In Your Game

Oh, jeez.

Base it on the cleric's numbers, but drop the clericish abilities. Then they get abilities at these levels:

Rideable Brute
Level 1 - Meatbag, Mosh, Extra Carrying Capacity
Level 2 - Brutish
Level 3 - Party Crasher
Level 4 - Cleave??
Level 5 - Dramatic Exit

Brute Rider
Level 1- Eject, Magic Drugs, Fancy Rider
Level 2 - Motivate the Brute
Level 3 - Knee Chokehold
Level 4 - Throwable
Level 5 - Dramatic Whistle

That arrangement ensures that they both get a cooperative ability every other level.

Flavor

Yes, the classic one is a goblin riding an ogre. But why not a little girl riding a pygmy dragon? Or a mosquito man riding his enormous wife? Or a mutant baby riding a giant mutant baby? Season to taste.

by Pabelbilly

So, here's my dog class.

I'm still thinking about class duets--two players that play closely linked characters. In this case, a PC and their loyal dog. It's more one-sided than the Brute/Rider classes I posted earlier, since all of the duet abilities are piled onto the dog.

Here are all of the class abilities.

by Sandara

Really Good Dog

You're a Dog

You can't hold things in your hands. You can't climb ropes or ladders. Your Movement is 15 (Human Movement is 12). Your bite attack counts as either a dagger, sword, or greatsword (your choice, each bite). You do not start with any items. You can follow (most) scents, and recognize scents you've encountered before. You can understand the words of your fellow PCs and those that your fellow PCs are talking to (via body cues and doggy intuition), but if you are interacting with NPCs alone, you are pretty clueless. You understand Common, but cannot speak it. You speak Canine fluently.

You're an amazingly intelligent dog: roll Int normally, but be aware that this is doggy Intelligence, and isn't suitable for all things. For example, you can spot a trap, count coins, or remember a location you haven't been to in years. However, you can never solve linguistic puzzles or use tools, because smart dogs aren't smart in that way.

Best Friend

Pick a best friend. You both get +1 Defense and +1 Save when fighting beside each other. This designation is permanent (until story/DM say otherwise). If your Best Friend dies, you can pick a new one after playing 1 full session as a sad, sad dog.

Best Friends Fight As One!

If you and your Best Friend attack the same enemy simultaneously, and both attacks hit, the enemy takes an additional +1d6 damage.

Best Friends Never Give Up!

If your Best Friend is ever at 0 HP, you can lick their face to restore 1d6+1 HP. If your Best Friend is ever paralyzed, mind-controlled, raging, or otherwise out of control, you can lick/bite them (whichever is more appropriate) to give them a new save against the effect. Only works on things that allow saves in the first place.

Wag

When you wag your tail, you cast a version of charm person that only works on children and +Luka Rejec.

Dodge

While unarmored and able to defend yourself, you get a bonus to your AC equal to your level, to a maximum of +6.

Scent the Ineffable

As detect poison, detect evil, detect magic, or detect undead except you cannot decipher magic items and the range is limited to 1', except for detect undead where the range is 30'.

Dog Quest

At a certain point, you will attract the attention of the Dog Barons. They will give you a quest to prove your doggishness. Example quests include killing a Cat Prince (rakshasa) who is hiding in town somewhere, digging into a forgotten barrow and returning with the femur from the wight king who was buried there, or rescuing some asshole prince who fell down a well in orcish territory. (This will probably involve the other PCs chasing after you shouting "Where are you going, boy? Come back!")

If you refuse or fail this quest, you will be shunned by the Dog Clans of the cities. If you succeed, you will win allies among the Dog Clans, and can call on their help in the cities. Examples of help: gossip, relaying messages, safe houses, and in certain circumstances--a whole pack of mangy street dogs who will fight for you.

Growl

An enemy who can hear you must Save vs Fear or be unable to attack or approach you until your next turn. Doesn't work if you are running away, restrained, or non-threatening. Doesn't work on things with 2 or more HD than you.

Sniff the Air

10 in-game minutes before the DM rolls for wandering monsters, he also rolls for wandering scents. The DM rolls on the wandering monster table and describes what one of the monsters smells like. If you've encountered that type of monster before, you can identify it. (Communicating the information, however, might be tricky.)

Takedown

When you bite an opponent no larger than a human, you can make a trip maneuver for free.

Talking Dog

Through magic or mutation, you can now talk.

Epic Nose

You can track anything that passed through here in the last 100 years without error, as long as you know what it smells like.

by Ben Wootten

Playing A Really Good Dog in Your Home Game

Honestly, not being able to communicate effectively, use tools, or even climb a fucking ladder are pretty big disadvantages in my book. So, I recommend basing the Really Good Dog on a fighter, minus any special fightery abilities (like Parry or Cleave).

Then add this stuff.

Level 1 - You're a Dog, Best Friend, Wag, Dodge

Level 2 - Sniff the Air, Best Friends Fight As One!

Level 3 - Scent the Ineffable, Dog Quest

Level 4 -Takedown, Best Friends Never Give Up!

Level 5 - Talking Dog OR Epic Nose

Also, ask your DM if you can roll up a weird dog from Zak's Table of Weird Dogs.

from Dragon Age

Playing a Really Good Dog in Centerra

You're probably a Brynthic Hound, one of the immortal warrior-dogs that get passed down through generations of warrior-families like heirloom swords.

Hydrada

HD 8 AC chain Attacks (1 per head)

Move 12 Int 5 Mor 7

Regenerates 1 body HP per round

Hydradas are just hydras from the Elemental Plane of Hydras. They are hydras with the hydra-ness turned up to 11. They usually begin with 3 heads (2 HD each, but AC as plate, because of how quickly they whip around.) Slashing weapons can sever heads or damage the body; other types of damage can only damage the body. Head damage is mirrored onto the body.

Each of their bites does 1d6 damage. If an attack does 5 or 6 damage, the target must save or a hydra head will grow from their wound on the next turn. The head has a 10' reach, and attacks as a normal hydra would attack, with the same damage and AC. It can be severed normally (but will regrow into two heads unless the stump is cauterized with fire or acid). The host gets -2 to attack a hydra head growing out of their own body. The hydra head preferentially attacks its host (biting them on the face and ears, usually). If the hydra head reduces its own host to 0 HP, it decapitates the host. If the host is decapitated and the hydra-head-sprouting-from-the-wound remains, two hydra heads erupt from the stump on the next turn.

Whenever hydrada blood is spilled there is a d% chance (equal to the damage taken) that a hydra head will sprout from whatever surface the blood spills on. This head has a 20' reach and follows all the normal hydra rules.

Severed heads become 1 HD hydroids after 1 turn. They have no neck, and can be killed like any other little critter. However, unless they take fire or acid damage, they will regenerate to 1 HP

Whoever kills the hydra is afflicted by the hydra's death curse: all creatures will appear to be hydras for the rest of the day. All speech sounds like hissing. All written text appears as "hydra hydra hydra" etc. No save.

Zoo Hydra

HD 1-20 AC chain Attacks (1 per head)

Move 12 Int 5 Mor 7

A zoo hydra is created whenever some really weird shit happens at the zoo. The heads will regrow in 1 round unless salt orurine is applied to the stump. It has one head for every HD.

Heads [d20, or just go down the list]

1. Crocodile - Bite 1d10, but with a -2 to hit.

2. Fox - Bite 1d4. Every 2 turns, reroll a d20 that someone else rolls.

3. Lion - Bite 1d8.

4. Howler Monkey - Howls. Every turn, has a 10% chance of attracting a new random encounter.

5. Giraffe - Smashes for 1d6. Ridiculous 30' reach.

6. Wolf Skull With Glowing Red Eyes - Bites for 1d6. Can reanimate dead things as loyal zombies, 1/turn.

7. Komodo Dragon - Bites for 1d6 + disease.

8. Emu - Pecks for 1d4. Easy to sever: neck only has 1 HP.

9. Bird of Paradise (the flower) - Can cast cure light wounds at will.

10. Ibis - Peck 1d4. Save or lose an eye.

11. Gorilla Hand - Attempts to steal your weapon and hit you with it. Str 16, Dex 12.

12. Rhino - Gores for 1d10 damage. On a miss, there is a 2-in-6 chance that the rhino horn gets stuck in something, trapping the rhino head there for 1 turn.

13. Elephant - Gores for 1d12. Never forgets. (Attacks whoever attacks it first, and never changes targets.)

14. Shark - Bites for 1d8. If the attack roll is 1-3, it attacks another head instead. If the other head is a carnivore, the two heads will start fighting, only stopping when one head is bitten off. (This causes two heads to grow, as normal.)

15. Sloth - Stays asleep until it takes damage, at which point it wakes up and starts biting for 1d4.

16. Viper - Bite 1 damage, save or take 3d6 more over 3 turns.

17. Penguin - Peck 1d4, Every 3 turns, breath a cone of frozen air, 3d6, 20' cone.

18. Zookeeper - Does nothing except scream about emus and madness, begs to be killed, yells at players to bring salt.

19. Cage - On a hit, traps a player inside. On subsequent turns, beats "head" against ground, dealing 1d6 damage to occupant automatically. Made of solid metal, but the lock can be picked as normal (usually requires one round to climb on it, and another to pick it, retrys allowed).

20. Dolphin - Doesn't want to fight. It will just make stupid dolphin noises all fight. If it is the only head remaining on the body (i.e. it is a dolphydra) it will run away. It's also tamable, if you have fish.

Barnyard Chimera

HD 7 AC leather Attacks (see below)

Move 15 Int 3 Mor 7

The central cow head gores for 1d8 damage.

The left pig head bites for 1d6.

The right goat head rams for 1d4, but does 3x damage on a charge.

The goose-headed tail spits goose shit (ranged attack). On a hit, the target is blinded until they spend a turn wiping it away.

When killed, the barnyard chimera splits open and spills out 3d6 featherless, bloody chickens with red eyes and sharp talons. The chicken have HD 1, AC leather, and claw for 1d4.

It runs on horse legs. It can speak, but it is only repeating mindless farming phrases. "How about that weather, huh?" "Well, let's finish up and then have supper." "Aw hell, she's coming out breach."

False Hydra

is not a hydra, but is listed on this page for the sake of completeness.

by joe on Dungeons and Drawings

So, other people have been writing about hydras. Chris McDowell and Dunkey (who is, himself, a kind of hydra) in particular. I wrote one, too.

20 Hydras (or 1 Chaos Hydra)

You can either run this as 20 different types of hydras, or as a random table for a hypothetical Chaos Hydra that has a bunch of weird heads.

A flailsnail-headed hydra is basically just a flailsnail with head regeneration and without the weird shell effects, but if it's a hammer-headed hydra, that's pretty cool. Especially if all the heads are slamming down asynchronously.

Bug-eyed, frog tongue. 30' ranged attack roll, target must pass a hard (-4) Str check or be pulled into the mouth for a bite attack.
Rabid and albino. 2-in-6 chance to attack self. Will attack most wounded heads in an attempt to make more heads (which is what any smart hydra would probably do).
Floating. Head flies off from body and flies around like a goddam flying crocodile head.
Mosquito head shoots live stirges, which then collect blood and return via its ear.
Featureless nozzle. Vomits piles of slippery acid, 30' cone, 1d6 damage per turn until washed off, and the acid on the ground functions like grease.
Flailsnail flail. 2d8 damage, -4 to hit.
Emaciated. Bites for a mere 1d4 damage when attacked, but when severed, it's skin sloughs off and it fights like a giant snake for 3 rounds (screaming) before dissolving into dust (which will also be screaming if you hold it up to your ear).
Telekinetic. Knows telekinesis and is strong enough to pick up people and fling them against walls.
Monocular. Antimagic cone in front of head.
Cnidarian Hydra. Grapples like a black tentacles spell, stings for 1d6 non-lethal damage while held.
Psychovampiric. Knows vampirokinesis (save or have all of your blood sucked out of you, which then orbits the caster in a bloody halo. The caster is paralyzed for 2 turns, and if the caster is still alive at the end of that time, the target dies from massive, postponed blood loss, and the caster heals for 2d6+2 HP.)
Mirror-blooded, blue-skinned. Whenever this head takes damage, half of that damage is mirrored onto the attacker.
Doppleganger. Shape-shifts its face to resemble a loved one whenever it is attacked. You must succeed on a successful Charisma check to attack a head (failure indicates hesitation). And if you actually cut off your mom's head (or whatever) you gain an insanity point. The hydra is only capable of duplicating one head each time.
Worm. This head burrows underground and then bursts forward to attack you with only a tiny fraction of a second forewarning, then retreats. (Usually requires readied actions to hit.)
Uterine. Launches live human infants at you like a fucking cannon. Infant has a 10% chance to survive this, and if they survive, they will age 16 years in the first 16 days, and grow up with an irrepressible urge to be dragonslayers.
Ghidorah. This golden head shoots lightning lasers (1d6 damage, but in a straight line, save for half). The body also has wings and is capable of flying into space. It has a second lair on the moon with a second treasure hoard.
Spiral Drill. On a hit, shield is destroyed if a save is failed. If no shield, then armor.
Witch-Nymph. Shrieking and beautiful. On a hit, target must save vs charm person. If there are more than one of them, a pair of them can spend a turn tying a knot in one's hair and a player must immediately save or have a limb of the hydra's choice snap. A successful save indicates that the limb is wrenched and useless for 1d6 rounds.
Hammer. Spends one turn raising itself up in the air (out of melee range) and then slams down for triple damage on the next turn.
Rapier-tongued. Sword is sharp and straight like a fencing weapon. It gets +2 to AC against swords and will duel whichever swordsman looks most proficient, to the exclusion of all others. If there is no swordsman (or they look incompetent like NPCs) it will attack whoever looks most dangerous. The hydra is incapable of speech, but if it is insulted wittily (DM's discretion) it will get -2 to attack for a turn.

Inversion Hydra

This is a normal-looking hydra except for the fact that it appears to be monstrously pregnant. When it is fighting, players can feel themselves being pulled toward it's gravid belly, and call feel the pressure of amniotic fluid on their eardrums.

When the players kill the hydra, they all die and are sucked into the hydra's womb. They then burst from the womb as an ungodly amalgam of all players (use fusion rules) with 20' necks and a bite attack for 1d6+Str. The teeth from the severed heads then grow into lizardman warriors (twice as many as players) which try to kill the player-hydra with their own weapons (looted from the bodies).

If all of the skeletons are killed, the player-hydra will split back into it's constituent selves. Also, they have a copy of their own corpses, which I've learned can be extremely useful.

That's a bit heavy handed, though, so ALTERNATIVELY this could be something like a vampiric hydra that bites people, tasting their blood, and then when the hydra dies, anyone who had their blood drank gets turned into the composite hydra. The hydra tries to taste everyone, of course.

ALTERNATIVELY, try to get player buy-in. Maybe they need to all impregnate the God Egg on level 5 of the dungeon and be reborn into a glorious new reptilian body in order to access the Plane of Reptiles. I imagine it just being like a giant, squishy egg cell. Dudes can probably just ejaculate into it, but girls might have a harder time. (The egg probably only needs a bit of blood to get going, but if you want to shove menstrual fluid in there, that'll work, too.)

IOUN Hydra

This is a golem-hydra. Each head is a floating IOUN stone, about the size of your first, disconnected from the body (but incapable of getting more than 20' away). Each gemstone is unique, and while most are spherical, all heads have different characteristics. Each head is styled after the shape and pattern of a reptilian predator. For example, the "viper" head is vaguely triangular and is covered in a pattern reminiscent of snake scales.

It has a spherical body that spins around like a giant top. It is easy to track because it leaves a divot in the dust. If it needs to go up stairs, the "heads" will serve double-duty as feet. If it is killed, it shatters completely and leave 1d3 IOUN stones in the dust. All of the heads shoot beams.

If a head is shattered, the shards will fall to the ground and begin to regenerate. They have AC 10 and must take 8 damage from bludgeoning (to smash them to smithereens) and/or fire (to melt them to the floor) before the next turn, or they will regenerate into 2 new IOUN heads.

HD 2 + 2 per head AC plate Attacks (see below)
Move 12 Int 12 Mor 12

"Viper". Magic stealing beam. Save or lose your highest level spell. The Hydra will cast that spell next turn.
"Constrictor". Save or be caught in a psychic vice-grip: immobilized, held 6 inches off the ground, and take increasing damage each round. (1d6 the first round, 2d6 the second). Treat this psychic grip as having Str 22.
"Frog". Teleportation to a random room in the dungeon. (I know frogs aren't reptiles but whatever.)
"Toad". Save or become stricken with Umbral Toad venom. While so affected, you take 2d6 damage every turn you are awake, but you can fall asleep whenever you wish.
"Caiman". 3d6 damage, and if the target fails a save, they become a magic magnet for 1 round: all spells within 40' are redirected to them as a target.
"Dragon". Does 3d6 bite damage (this is still a beam of phantasmal dragon jaws) and the target must save vs dragon fear.
"Stegosaur". Resonant hum. 3d6 sonic damage in a 60' line, save for half. Targets in metal armor get a penalty to their roll equal to their armor bonus to AC, because their armor functions as a resonant tube.
"Lizard". Target takes 2d6 radiant damage for every eye that they have.
"Ankylosaur". Target's HP is cut to half of it's current total. If they succeed on a save, it is cut to 75% of their current total.
"Crocodile". 2d6 damage and the target must save, or their weapon turns into metal dust. (Note: this stuff is highly explosive when dispersed through the air.)
"Komodo Dragon". 2d6 damage, then save or lose 2d6 Strength. If you fail this save, it spawns a 1 HD homunculus in an adjacent square that is loyal to you, but completely moronic.
"Ichthyosaur". Ice beam for 3d6 damage in a line. Additionally, on the second round of combat, it will begin resonating. As long as it is resonating, the strongest player (icthyosaur's choice) is reduced to being a copy of the weakest player (icthyosaur's choice). Treat their stats and abilities as a mirror image. Everything except for the inventory list, basically. When the IOUN hydra is killed, the "weakest" player gets a bonus +1000 XP and the "strongest" player loses -1000 XP.

Beholder Hydra

This is a beholder suffering from a horrible skin disease contracted from a Hydrada. It's central eye has turned into a Sphere of Annihilation, and each of it's minor eyestalks has grown into a biting hydra head. The eyes cannot fire beams any more--instead, the abilities are activated on a bite.

So, the big reason that I haven't been posting is that I've gotten a new job as a wine microbiologist (during the busiest season) and have been moving. A new location = no regular D&D group = less time spent thinking about D&D = fewer things to blog about = cosmic, ineffable sadness.

So, while I do have many things to blog about (a small backlog exists) I think it's appropriate to start with the one that is closest to microbiology.

this bacterial art by Eshel Ben-Jacob

We grow bacteria in Petri dishes. We do this to study them, but more often we do it to (a) see if they were present in an original sample, (b) because they produce some chemical that we want more of, or (c) they're transgenic and we want more copies of their edited DNA.

One of the most striking things about the whole process is how inefficient and indirect the whole thing is. Want to know if there's E. coli in this jar of cat vomit? You can throw it under a microscope, and yes, E. coli does show up as cute little spheroids. . . but half the shit that you'll see inside cat vomit is going to show up as cute little spheroids, which makes certain identification pretty impossible.

So then you usually take the cat vomit, put it in a selective media that only E. coli can grow in, and then see if any cute little spheroids grow in that. The problem is that selective media isn't perfectly selective (you'll get some things growing in it that aren't E. coli) and besides, there's lots of variants of E. coli that probably won't grow in it anyway, so you get false positives and false negatives.

You can also melt all the bacteria in acid (or at least, lytic enzymes) and look at the DNA you find in there, but that's getting away from the fun realm of historic microbiology and into the modern fold of molecular biology.

Inefficient and inexact.

It's a little bit like being a park ranger and trying to manage a park from a space station.

Park Manager: "You there! Telescope monkey! Are there any beavers in the park that we are managing?"

Park Ranger: [peers in telescope] "Well, I see some brown blobs that are moving around and are approximately beaver-sized. So, it's possible. But they could also be coyotes or komodo dragons."

Park Manager: "We need to know for certain, dammit!"

Park Ranger: "Okay. I'll just use the tractor beam to pick up a cubic kilometer of the park and drop it on an island that I sterilized just this morning. Then we'll drop anti-canine bombs and gas it with a plague that will kill all lizards. We'll look at it again in 5 years and if we see more brown spots moving around, then we know for sure that it's beavers."

Senior Park Ranger: "You rookie. Just pick up a cubic kilometer of the park and centrifuge it. If there are any beavers in the park, there will be gnawed trees, and gnawed trees sediment in a different layer than un-gnawed trees."

You can probably see where I'm going with this.

What if our world (or a fantasy world) was merely the petri dish of some vast, unsympathetic alien intelligence? What if humanity has been seeded (or at least cultured) for some ineffable purpose?

For shorthand, I'll refer to this vast, cool, and unsympathetic intelligence as Azathoth. He's our nine-dimensional alien researcher.

What is Azathoth like?

He is Very Very Big. He is also Singular, in the opposite way that we are plentiful. If he has peers, they are outside our scope. He operates on a different scale. His experiment might take a billion years.

He can see things we cannot see. He knows things that we cannot comprehend. He has no way of communicating any of this, and no inclination.

He has very bad vision. He has a hard time telling us apart from other animals. Hell, he has a hard time telling us apart from our environment sometimes. He identifies us indirectly; if he wants to check for our presence, he might use sterilization methods that eliminate all non-human life. Or he might dye us--black rain that makes all humans begin astral-vomiting up black stuff.

He is immensely powerful. Killing all life in the universe is the work of a moment.

His twin weaknesses are precision and perception.

He has anticipated our escape attempts. We have countermeasures against the best that microbes have to offer (durable endospores, dispersive spores) and Azathoth has a similar relationship to us. We cannot build anything that can resist his sterilizations. We cannot escape the boundary that he has defined for us. (In a sci-fi setting, perhaps something prevents us from leaving our planet or galactic cluster. In a fantasy setting, perhaps something prevents us from leaving our plane or local set of planes.)

He is fallible. Despite being powerful enough to kill a dozen universes before coffee, he still fucks up. Laboratory contamination happens all the fucking time due to imperfect technique and shitty equipment. Bacteria ends up where it isn't supposed to.

His first tool is isolation. He cuts us off from environments where other humans live. He keeps us away from environments where we can thrive.

His second tool is sterilization. When things go to shit, Azathoth sighs, throws the whole thing in the autoclave, and starts growing a new batch of colonies from frozen stock.

Most of his tools are crude, indirect, and inefficient. Most of them are going to result in a lot of people dying. He might grow up a billion humans across a thousand years, and then figure out if there was sentient life on the planet by boiling our oceans and measuring the aggregate suffering it causes.

He depends on us to thrive. He depends on us to die. If a microbiologist introduces some yeast into a new, rich soup of nutrients where they can grow without interference, I can imagine those yeast being grateful. I can imagine those yeast worshiping the microbiologist for his benevolence. Those prayers will turn to curses and lamentations when it's time for flame sterilization, though.

He cannot hear us, and even if he could, he probably wouldn't care.

We slip through the cracks. If there are dimensions and planets and planes where we are supposed to be, there are also going to be places where we end up, but aren't supposed to be. These are facultative environments. These are the bacteria that grow on the lab coat's coffee stain (at least until it goes to the cleaners). Humans in these places are escapees, who might have a better grasp of what is going on, but they are also probably going to be places that are very hostile to our life. They might have competing organisms (motherfuckin' displacer beasts and shit) or simply not have much air or something.

We cannot hurt him (unless he fucks up). But its an interesting idea. What if human sentience is pathogenic? What if we're a disease state in the interdimensional milieu?

Everything we do helps him. Microbiologists depend on yeast acting like yeast. Pretty much anything humans do is going to be "acting like a human". But this is more ambiguous. . . unlike yeast, we can self-sterilize. The only effective act of defiance might be to kill ourselves entirely. Spit in the eye of god.

We are the center of the universe again (and this is the big difference with the standard Lovecraftian worldview). Like in the Christian worldview, the universe was literally created for us, except where Jesus loves us and wants us to be happy, Azathoth sees us merely as a tool. (This doesn't mean Azathoth is evil. He might just have a higher concept of happiness than we do. Perhaps his satisfaction is as elevated above our happiness as our happiness is above a yeast cell's metabolic contentment.)

What Does Azathoth Want From Us?

He might just be checking for proof of our existence. Maybe he created a whole bunch of universes (or planets) and will return later to see which ones support intelligent life. He'll take some notes and then implode our stars. Or maybe he'll return after all the suns have gone out, and sift through the ashes of our civilizations, looking for traces. (Perhaps his return will flash-carbonize everything in the universe, rendering direct observation impossible. Best to give your colonies time to grow up and leave lots of remains.)

He might be interested in something that we produce. We've engineered yeast and bacteria to produce all sorts of fun chemicals. But what would sentient creatures produce? Thoughts? Emotions? Souls? Perhaps the end result is sentience itself. Perhaps Azathoth returns after the apocalypse with a crude soul-ladle the size of a galaxy, which he dips through the various afterlifes until he harvests about half of all the souls there, who were looking forward to spending eternity in their afterlife of deposition. (He only harvests half, because his methods is shitty and inefficient. Some of the souls spill out into the void between worlds. Other souls remain stuck to the ladle.)

He might just be cultivating us. We could be a stock planet. Culture a sentient life form on a planet for 4.3 billion years (or however long the incubation takes) then return and parcel all of the humans into 100 different microdimensions. Some of these microdimensions full of humans will be put into storage, some will be sent to colleagues, some will be sacrificed for analysis.

What Environments Can We Explore?

There's going to be a lot of portals. This is the end of the pipette tip--this is how Azathoth transfers us to a new dimension (where we might thrive, or might die horribly, depending).

Mass Kidnapping Via Portal - These aren't passive portals that sit there waiting for you to go through it. These are huge things that slurp down oceans, rip up kingdoms. These are mega-tornadoes that suck a million humans through at once. They might appear simultaneously over all the major cities.

Lots of people will die, true, but this is to be expected of Azathoth's crude methods. After all, he only needs a breeding pair of humans to establish a new colony in whatever dimension he deposits us in.

This might actually be a good starting point for a campaign. Or, the starting point of a setting's calendar. (Dibs.)

Pleasant Environments - When Azathoth wants us to thrive, he will introduce us into environments guaranteed it. Expect heaven. Rivers of milk and honey are not out of the question.

Horrible Environments - These are places where Azathoth is trying to kill things off. He might be trying to kill all non-humans (sorry elves), or kill all humans. This selection can be environmental (temperature, nutrition) or biological (organisms that specialize in killing humans).

Expect environments where there is literally nothing to eat that isn't horribly poisonous. Poison planet? There might even be a place where all the amino acids are chirally reversed, so although it looks like a normal place with normal food, you'll starve to death stuffing your face with their bread.

Worshippers of Azathoth - He put us in a land of milk and honey after we were sucked through a wormhole by a nine-tentacled super-tornado. He must be a nice guy. Let's all count down until the next portal opens.

Cryo Storage - Some cells are stable pretty much indefinitely when you keep them at -200 degrees Celsius. These could be ice planets (with no nearby sun), flash frozen in the heyday of their civilization. They could ice planets that froze slowly, apocalyptically, with a few viable humans locked away in their cryovaults.

(It's possible that Azathoth may grow civilizations up simple to ensure that they have some method of surviving his storage methods. When you store civilizations by freezing them, it helps if your civilization is advanced enough to develop cryo-banks, vaults warmed by nuclear power, or magic-derived stasis.)

Or you can get away from that boring snow and start thinking about the much more interesting concept of temporostasis. People locked in time like a void monk, who will thaw as soon as a haste spell is cast on them.

Axenic Cultures - Sometimes you want to culture something in isolation, without any other species' interference. These are places where the only animal life is human.

Just mull that over for a little while. These are people who have never seen a dog or been bitten by a mosquito. Their oceans are algae-choked mats.

It could even be a truly axenic culture, where there aren't even any plants or microbes. These humans probably lick the saccharine dew off the rocks and have never had a cold in their lives. They wear the skins of the ancestors, with a bundle of knotted face-skins around their neck like a ghoulish scarf.

Megaxenic Cultures - It's also possible that we're in a semi-xenic culture already (maybe Azathoth wanted to isolate us carbon-based life forms from the silicon-based ones). And once we leave our little petri dish, we are going to start meeting some really weird people. Like, weirder than xorn. Like, Kill Six Billion Demons weird.

Slipped Through the Cracks - This is microbial contamination. Sometimes you think you have a sterile, unused petri dish but then discover furry mold growing on it anyway. Sometimes humans end up in places they aren't supposed to be. Sometimes Azathoth has shitty portal technique, and ends up depositing us on his clothing, in his hair, on the door knob, or inside one of his machines.

Remember that you don't need to have a high level of technology to colonize a new land. Sometimes all you need is a bag of seeds and a shovel. It might even be interesting to have a campaign that included a completely virgin planet. Just volcanoes and clean dirt.

Death - If you want to play in this sort of campaign, you need to adjust you sense of scope, especially when dealing with mass death. The death of a billion might be the price you need to open the next portal.

There's a invisible schism in our monster manuals.

On one hand, you have all the real-world animals. Cows and horses and cats. These animals do not have any magical powers.

On the other hand, you have all the imaginary animals. Manticores and dragons and catoblepas. These animals are usually loaded down with a smorgasbord of magical powers.

There isn't really any reason to say that Earthly animals lack powers and imaginary animals have them, except that the audience (us gamers) is already familiar with non-magical cows and non-magical cats.

To put it another way, there's no reason that a fantasy setting share our concept of mundanity and fantasticality except the convenience of familiarity.

Yes, it is good to have mundane places and plots in your game. Yes, it keeps the fantastic feeling fantastic.

Yes, it is good to have familiar pieces of world in your game. The reason we keep circling psuedo-medieval settings is because we (think we) are familiar enough with that setting to just jump right in, start asking for directions to the nearest castle, order some mead, and tip the saucy bar wench for good gossip.

There are other good settings that depart from the familiar milieu (see the excellent Yoon-Suin) but aren't as immediately accessible the way vanilla fantasy is--and don't underestimate the value of that familiarity. Players depend on that familiarity to make informed choices. But I'm digressing, aren't I? This is all your fault.

Anyway.

There are two ways to disrupt this implicit sorting of the bestiary into the non-magical actual and the magical imaginary.

You could have fantastic creatures be, in actuality, mundane. Dragons are just big lizards. Unicorns are just hollow-boned horses with a hood ornament and an eating disorder.

This sort of thing could be fun, I think, in very small amounts. Plans are disrupted when the will-o-the-wisps actually are burning gas clouds after all. The players go out to slay the chimera, only to discover that it is just three animals sewn together (but no less deadly because of this).

But really, the reason I started writing this post was so that I could talk about making mundane animals less mundane. That's why

There Are No Mundane Animals in Centerra

Sure, there are settings that do simple replacements. Instead of horses, everyone rides giant lizards or giant, flatulent ducks or something. These are cool, I guess, and they help define a setting and/or make it feel more alien, and that's sometimes desirable. But this isn't really what I'm going for either.

There's the extreme example, where all the mundane animals are extremely magical. All cats can talk and all cows can breath fire, for example. But once you go this drastic, you (a) lose that valuable familiarity, which impacts players abilities to make informed choices, which will reveal itself when a PC dies attempting to steal a cow they thought couldn't breath fire, and (b) the in-game implications are drastic, because how can you keep cats as mere pets when they can talk?

I favor a moderate approach when sprucing up mundane animals. You need to add to them in a way that doesn't disrupt their ecology, but is both interesting and hella gamable. The perfect example of this is Zak's Snakes Are Books. The other way is to add to them culturally, like what Scrap always does, and just write about the fucked-up ways that people interact with animals. That way, any weirdness that Centerran animals have is optional, and no one cares if a DM/player forgets/ignores it.

Anyway, here's my take on it. No Centerran animal is mundane (and most of them are much smarter than they would be in the real world).

Rats are the quintessential foodstuff. Fried rat-on-a-stick is the most ubiquitous city-food around, and adventurers often buy whole chains of rat jerky (neatly tied together by their tails). Alchemical rats are fed alchemical diets, and are usually poisoned as their flesh turns into what is basically a poison. You can sometimes find a couple of them in wizard laboratories--they're just a common potion analogue. In the distant north, rats are not seen as delicious foods and are instead considered a pest; bounties on rat tails are common (and rat farming is a common, though illegal, profession).

Dogs form cabals and secret courts. They ape the organization of human kingdoms. They are forbidden to allow any human to learn of their secret organizations. (Many dogs do, because of conflicting loyalties.) Many dog attacks are simply dogs attempting to cover up their clandestine activities via murder. Many cities have dog barons and dog dukes, who rule in secret and divide up the street-territories among their loyal vassals. Their edicts are passed by twilight bark.

Wolves despise dogs and werewolves. They become more powerful and cunning after they successfully hunt a sentient creature, eventually becoming worgs.

Cats all believe that they are royalty. There is an entire branch of magic that revolves around cats, for some reason, mostly involving death, curses, and oaths. There are also catbooks.

Cows have an affinity for the moon. They always face it when they sleep. Lunar cows exist on the moon--they have no legs, and instead hover around. They are otherwise just like normal cows, and you can buy them in the Ba Dwai La marketplace.

Songbirds are the reincarnated spirits of cowards. Warriors are expected to kill them when they come within arms reach. The once exception are greywings, which are small birds that eat ghosts and the souls of the damned. They gather at hospitals, and when there is a death, they will wheel furiously through the air, hunting the spirit; they will catch it if it tarries.

Pigs never stop growing. Some farms have 10,000 lb pigs, the size of a small barn. These giant pigs are mostly used for expensive parties, because people like to sit inside the rib cage of the animal, at a table made from its hips, while they eat it. Giant boars exist, and are unfortunately common in some parts of the woods.

Goats are freshly minted souls who have never reincarnated. Because of their purity, they make excellent sacrifices.

Tigers always return as ghosts when they are killed.

Panthers speak all languages and are evil, honorable, and utterly merciless. They sometimes chat their food up before hunting it, or give it a head start.

Horses can carry you into other planes if you get them drunk first. There is actually a specialized market for horse drugs (cinnamon-covered elephant thyroid, fly agaric and snake jism, etc) designed to get the animal in the exact mental state required for it to carry you into another plane when at a dead gallop. (This is often fatal to the horse.)

Chickens are powerful tools of divination, if their head is cut off when they are small and then raised to adulthood without a head. These are called findybirds or witch chickens, and each chicken can find a single item once (as find the path) before dropping dead. They are considered blasphemous by the church.

Roosters crow at down, but they also get confused during solar eclipses and crow then, too. This reaction to darkness extends to the metaphysical; when something really terrible happens, the first sign is usually all the roosters going off at once.

Foxes are imaginary creatures that exist only in dreams. For reasons they can't explain, everyone knows what a fox looks like, but no one can ever remember having seen one.

Snakes are sacred animals to the Church, especially blue snakes. Priests are usually identified by the blue snakes that they wear. There are different locations to wear one's snake--in a coil atop your head, around your neck, woven through your beard, intravaginally (part of one's vow of chastity), or in a special phylactery that resembles a pharaonic beard.

When you start off playing a Reincarnator/Reincarnatrix, you don't have any abilities, except one.

When you die, you return to life.
This only happens once; you only have one extra life.
When you return from the dead, you gain some power based on how you died.
You gain a new extra life whenever you level up, thereby allowing you to collect more powers.

When you die, your remains undergo some strange process and return to life 24 hours later. If you were dismembered or eaten, you cannot resurrect. If you resurrect in a sealed coffin or under a pile of rubbled, you will probably die again.

Whenever you resurrect, you accumulate some small detail or affection (in addition to whatever power that death granted you).

I actually thought up three different versions of this class, each flavored a different way.

If you actually want to play this class, just base it on the cleric with all the spells and turning stripped away.

Nine-Lives Come-Backer (Version 1)

Sometimes a woman is pregnant, and sometimes she has a cat she loves very much, and who loves her in return.

Sometimes she dies.

And sometimes--through a process that no one can explain satisfactorily--the cat gives birth to the woman's baby, even after her death. (If you cut the dead pregnant lady open, you will find nothing inside).

These children grow up normally, except that they have a cat tail. This is their extra life. As they level up, they grow more cat tails.

Unique Rule: Each Extra Lifeallows you to add +4 to a single roll of an ally (if you have lucky white cat tails) or -4 to a single roll of an enemy (if you have unlucky black cat tails). This is usable 1/day per tail.

Revenant (Version 2)

You are pissed off. Hatred fuels you; anger gives you voice. You only feel energized when you are kicking something to death. And all that's before your first death.

Whenever you die, you die spitting curses at your killer. And when you come back, you realize that this is what you were meant to do. You are some horrible twilight of life and death. You only feel alive when you are dying. This is what you were meant to do. Die and return stronger. Die a thousand times, embrace a thousand triumphs.

You're still pissed off.

Unique Rule: You can use speak with dead on any zombie. Whenever you return from the dead, you get +2 to all d20 rolls that involve directly killing the specific creature that killed you. (If you weren't killed by a specific creature (e.g. rocks fell), this has no effect).

Agent of Heaven (Varient 3)

You're an angel who has been tricked into thinking that you are a human. You've also been tricked into not minding that this has been done to you.

Basically, whenever you die, the Bureaucracy of Heaven takes 24 hours processing your forms in triplicate (or 777licate), and then returns you to life, in order that you can pursue some obscure destiny that has been lost in one of the infinite codices of Heaven.

Unique Rule: You can use commune 1/day. Each extra life that you currently have gives you +1 to your Save. Expect weird heralds to periodically appear before you, demand a progress report, and make inscrutable suggestions.

You can also be a demonic version of this class (Agent of Hell) which sounds way more fun, now that I type it out. But as a demon, you'd probably be in service to a paladin family, who will probably be way meaner to you (as an unsouled abomination) than any real demonic overlord.

How To Die

So I'm going to give you a table. It'll tell you the abilities you get if you die in a certain way BUT there is a catch. Depending on how you die (aggressively, defensively, or other) you get a different ability. So if you want to insist on dying in fires (players are weird, or maybe your campaign just has a lot of dragons) you'll have more fire stuff to give them.

Aggressive = trying to kill things or steal things (99% of murderhobo activities)

Defensive = trying to not get killed, or trying to save someone/something else

Other = other

Alternatively, just roll a d3.

Death By Acid
Agg = acid arrow 3/day.
Def = Reduce all acid damage by 6.
Other = You have acid blood that can (slowly) melt through small metal items (like locks). Bleeding yourself costs 1 point of damage per HD. Creatures who hit you in melee with piercing or slashing attacks take 1d4 acid damage if they fail a Dex check.

Death By Bludgeoning
Agg = Once per day, you can headbutt something, thus duplicating the shatter and knock spells.
Def = By spending a turn concentrating, you can manifest or de-manifest a set of medium armor.
Other = If you wish, you can behave as if you were boneless (allowing you to slip under most doors, for example, but only veeeerrrrry slooowwwwlly and helplessly).

Death By Death
Agg = You are now a vampire, with all the benefits and costs that entails. Remember that you can only sleep in your own coffin.
Def = You are immune to level drain.
Other = You can cast raise dead to create a loyal zombie. You can only have one loyal zombie at a time. Zombies who are not your most recent zombie revert to being corpses.

Death By Devouring
Agg = You can devour things that you are grappling. Target must not be larger than you, nor must it have more HP than you. Target gets a save to avoid. Devoured targets disappear utterly.
Def = If you are ever swallowed, you deal double damage to the creature that swallowed you.
Other = You can hold a bunch of stuff in your stomach, and regurgitate it safely as need it. You can hold about as much as a large chest. This doesn't make you any fatter or heavier.

Death By Drowning
Agg = You can turn into a fucking shark (HD = your HD + 1). This doesn't transform your gear.
Def = You can breathe water.
Other = You can cast summon fish 1/location (this is the version that has a 5% chance to summon something horrible).

Death By Falling
Agg = If you jump down onto a creature as part of an attack and successfully hit them, they take all of your fall damage (instead of splitting it, normally). You get +2 to hit on these attacks.
Def = Feather fall 1/day.
Other = You know the language of birds.

Death By Fire
Agg = Fire Breath (1d6 for every 2 HD), usable every 1d4 turns.
Def = Reduce all fire damage by 6.
Other = Can set things on fire if you stare at them uninterrupted for 1 minute. Range 200'.

Death By Ice
Agg = Cut your HP in half to make a simulcrum with 1 HP. You sleep while the simulcrum is active, but you can control the simulcrum. It looks like you, except made of ice. It has none of your class abilities (such as spellcasting).
Def = Reduce all ice damage by 6.
Other = You can step into mirrors and hang out in there. Space inside mirrors is limited to the mirror's line of sight. If someone covers the mirror (obstructing its line of sight) you are trapped there until it is removed.

Death By Impaling
Agg = Whenever an arrow misses you, you can catch it. Usable 1/turn.
Def = You are immune to critical hits.
Other = One of your death wounds never healed. You bleed whenever there is a concealed weapon nearby (allies' concealed weapons don't count).

Death By Lightning
Agg = All javelins and spears you throw deal and extra +1d6 damage, but this destroys the spear in the process.
Def = Reduce all lightning damage by 6.
Other = You can shock a dead person back to life. If they make a save, they return to life. Only works within 1 turn of their death, and leaves them in the worst condition possible in your system (but still alive and stable).

Death By Poison
Agg = You have a lethal poison bite. Usable 1/day.
Def = You are immune to poison.
Other = You can write a poisonous idea down. Must be at least 1 full page. Anyone who reads the whole thing must save or die. Usable 1/day.

Death By Being Gnawed To Death By Horrible Rats
Agg = You can stealth as well as a rogue of your level.
Def = You are immune to disease.
Other = You can scavenge (whenever you find a pile of junk, make a Save. If you succeed, you find an item. 95% = mundane, 5% = magical.)

Death By Slashing
Agg = Whenever an opponent misses you with a sword attack, you get a free counter-attack. Usable 1/turn.
Def = You can turn aside blows with your non-dominant (and empty) hand as if it were a shield. You can "sunder" your hand, but this breaks it for 2d6 days.
Other = Whenever you bleed, you create a tiny blood homunculus (about 1" tall) for every 3 points of damage you took. These little guys last 1 minute and have Str 0.1, but they'll obey your every command.

Death By Weird
Agg = You can screech at things within 50'. If they fail a save, they take 1d12 damage. If they make their save, you take 1d4 damage. Only works on things with eardrums.
Def = At will, you can travel through time. Flip a coin. On a tails, you go back 6 seconds in time. On a heads, you go 6 seconds forward.
Other = You can give someone a foot massage that results in an amazing orgasm. Alternatively, you can give someone a foot massage that will result in them dying in exactly 3 hours (save negates).

My Demons

Angels

HD 1, AC leather, Sword 1d6

What Happens When Cthulhu Is Released

Jabberwocky, the Questing Beast

New Class: Modron Mathmatician

EVERYONE IS DEAHT NIGHTS

Bandit Plot Table

Currency in Centerra

The Bestiary

Thungrum (Elephant Ogres)

Some Dragons

Player-Player Bonds

New Classes: Brute Rider and Rideable Brute

New Class: Really Good Dog

Three Hydras

Hydration: Weirder Hydras

Azathoth the Microbiologist

The Secrets of Mundane Animals

Reincarnator / Reincarnatrix Class