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The Abominable Island

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Before she ascended, Ianu (blessed be Her name) taught us that the waters of River of Souls carries our souls into the afterlife.

Since her time, the River of Souls has become choked with pollution from Gattica and runoff from cursed Cauterus, becoming mildly poisonous in the process. In some places, it is more like quicksand than water.  One time the river even caught fire for a couple of days.

Regardless, pilgrims still flock to its holy waters to bathe and purify themselves for the new year.


The river empties into the salty water of Greywing Bay.  True to it's name, the air above the Bay is filled with a great number of the little grey birds.  Their chirps of tekeli-li-li are said to be in honor of the prophetess Ianu (blessed be her name), and their beaks are used to snatch the souls of the unwilling dead and bring them to their eternal reward.

If you go further out into Greywing bay--just over the horizon, really--you will see the island.

From a distance, it isn't too impressive.  It's a small, steep-sided island.  The soil looks chalky white and a few small shrubs dot the hillsides. Gulls nest on its pale dome, and marine shoebills stalk fish along the shoreline, sometimes standing still for over an hour.


You may see men dotting the sides of the island, like ants on a hill.  These men are all murderers.

The Abominable Island has stood off the shore of Gattica since time immemorial. It's steep sides were rarely visited, although fishermen passed by it frequently enough. In those days, it was known as White Island.

Then bits of statues were discovered on the island. A careful carving of a woman's arm and wrist, with the fingers all broken off.  It was made from some unknown stone, some unknown type of marble or fused coral or cement.

Then another piece, a torso.  Then someone tried to dig among the crumbling stone of the island, and all everything changed.



As incredible as it sounds, the whole island was made of statues.  The surface was smoothed by erosion and diluted with windblown dirt.  Even the few small, stunted trees were growing in soil that contained fragments of crumbled statues.  And just beneath the surface layer of pale dirt and smoothed stone, a solid mass of statues piled atop one another.  If it had a basal shape, it could be said to be a round, broad, spiral ziggurat.

Picture an orgy, with everyone pressed against each other.  Or a mass burial, with the dead stacked atop each other like cordwood.  No objects between them and only a little bit of open air.  Thousands of statues.  Millions of statues. An impossible number of statues.


Scholars claim that a million hours of labor must have gone into it.  Scholars claim that ten million hours of labor must have gone into it.  Scholars don't know, because who knows how deep the island's roots run, beneath the silt and sludge of Greywing Bay?

The statues were layered from the inside out. They must have been. And then some alchemical process must have been used to join the statues together, so that they appear to be a single piece of stone. What other explanation can there be for this mountainous statuary, rising up from the brown water as if it were a single stone?

A few of the murderers disagree. They say that it was built by a single artisan.  But we'll return to them in a minute.



The statues are striking. All genders, all species. They clamor on top of each other like the worms of the earth, or like the contents of a fishing net emptied upon a ship's deck. Some are enraptured in very graphic depictions of fornication. Others are fighting, with their legs locked together and their teeth sunk into each other's necks. Humans, elves, anacondas, pigs, and stranger creatures that no one can identify.

Riding atop an elk, an orc with human eyes kisses (or bites) the inner thigh of an elf who is splayed out atop the antlers of the elk. A woman tangles her fingers in the elf's hair and wraps her legs around a dwarf, whose eyes are closed and hands are clasped, as if in prayer. Leaning heavily on the orc, a boy thrusts a sword upward, perhaps taken from the empty scabbard of the orc, into a quadrupedal creature that appears to have four human legs. And coiled around all of them, a trio of gillmen, who lick the orc's eye and seem to caress the sole of the woman's foot. And all around them, the same intricacy, density, and worksmanship, piled up into an impossible mountain of entangled figures.

It is impossible to recover the statues without damaging them. They seem to be carved from the same stone, or at least, whatever method the builders used to bind them together has restored them to a state exactly like a single piece of stone. (Although to be fair, only hasty examinations have been done, and those by prison officials and priests.)


In Centerra, itinerant poets are an extremely common minority among travelers and sailors.

Atop the muddy waters of Greywing Bay, poets cluster in great numbers, huddled up in their small boats. They carry parasols to protect against seagulls, and their vests will never unwrinkle. They rinse their stolen pears in the water and remark that there must be more Artistry entombed within the island than the entire rest of the world.

It really is quite tragic, they say.

Is there any more wine, another asks.

Of course not.  You drank it all, you pig.

And so the poets eat their pears and watch how the pickaxes glitter in the afternoon sunlight.  They listen to the blunt rhythms of sledgehammers upon stone faces.

Heads are hurled from the cliffsides. Heavy torsos shatter on the shore. A small landslide occurs and hundreds of pale limbs roll down the broken hillside and disappear forever into the brown water.  The poets wipe their sticky hands on their vests, and the seagulls fly overhead, shitting on everything.


Gattica is perhaps the most religious nation in the world. When they heard that statues had been discovered on White Island, they investigated, and they didn't like what they found.  A mountain of what was clearly infidel art was bad enough, but what's more, some of the statues were clearly fucking or biting or both. And then they found the book.

Some of the statues were holding things, spears, baskets, apples, a book.  And once that book was shattered, it resulted in a great deal of dust and fragments, some of which were still legible. After great expense and magical translations, it was determined that they were holy books in praise of Dendrola, goddess of the gillmen and the briny deep.  This was enough proof.

(As recent as a few hundred years ago, Dendrola ruled over an empire of gillmen that covered all of the coastline in the southeast seas.  But her capital was inland, built in the shallow waters of the Three Secret Seas. Her empire of fishy fanatics even extended a dozen miles inland from the lakes, rivers, and sea.  She absolutely dominates the ancient history of Noth, Gattica, and Kaskala.  Eventually, she was killed.  Her only remaining child attends mass in a Gattican church twice a week.)



Now, Gattica absolutely cannot abide a blasphemous sculpture just off its shores, and the prophetess (blessed be her name) shouldn't have to endure such an odious thing so close to the gateway to her afterlife. Clearly the thing must be destroyed.

But there are laws concerning how much exposure is permitted when dealing with heathen beliefs and infidel art, and the Abominable Island is clearly both. It would not be acceptable to have hired laborers suffer corruption during the many hours it would take to destroy the thing. An arcane intervention is infeasible, since magic is forbidden in Gattica, and even prayer failed to destroy the island. And so it was decided that a prison camp would be built on the shore, and the vilest scum of Gattican society would be tasked with disassembling that vile monolith.

By most accounts, the project has been an abject failure.

Prisoners--nearly all of them murderers--sleep in a dirt-lined dungeon that they dug themselves. In the mornings, they are rowed  out to the Abominable Island where they relieve any frustration by shattering gracile faces and heaving broken legs into the bay. So far they have destroyed several thousand tons of statuary.



Although the official stance forbids it, the statues are frequently smuggled off by those with extensive connections or bankrolls. There are many nobles in Gattica who have a sculpture in their basement, rescued from the bludgeons of convicted felons. The statues are beautiful, and many speak of the intense emotion that comes through in each piece, and the vivid dynamism inherent in even the smallest bit of anatomy.

The statues always seem incomplete. It is difficult for brutes with hammers to remove an entangled statue without fracturing a wrist or blunting a nose. And there is no escaping the fact that each statue was meant to be a part of something much more. In the gardens, carved hands reach for a partner that is no longer there.  In the boudoir, a stone woman arches her back, her chin tilting toward something that is no longer there; her owners can only speculate what fixates her rapturous eyes.

There is a renewed interest in sculpture in Gattica. Hoards of apprentices inflict their presence on masters who have already been commissioned for half a decade of carving. Perhaps their patrons are trying to compensate for the sculptural genocide at the Abominable Island.

A wall has been built between the prison camp and the island. A lattice of bamboo and burlap cloth, built to screen the prisoners from the corrupting effects of the idolators while they are in their camp. Originally the prisoners were forced to wear blindfolds while working on the island, but after a series of accidents (loose marble, birdshit, sledgehammers) a compromise was reached, and the prisoners are now only required to wear the blindfold over one eye.

Every evening, the convicts attend mass beside their dirt dungeon.  Braziers burn around the priests, and the paladins keep watch from the back. Visitors often remark how pagan the whole thing seems without an honest church roof overhead. But there is no time for construction--the monolith must be destroyed.


The daily masses are a drastic measure, taken as a precaution against certain rumors. Some of the prisoners may have taken to worshipping Dendrola, the ocean goddess of the gillmen. Some of them have smuggled small statues back to their cells. Five men were even accused of holding black mass at the ocean's shore, scorning the prophetess (blessed be her name) and praying that they might breathe water. One of these men was a paladin, and all of them were hung. (Their requests to be drowned were denied.)

More troubling are reports that the men are intentionally delaying the destruction of the island. At least one prisoner found a hidden tunnel inside the island. For a week he hid there, sabotaging the small dock, throwing tools into the bay, and restoring sections that had been destroyed.

This is a common problem--there are many hidden tunnels and grottos. Many have been discovered and collapsed, but every day, pickaxes punch through into new areas. At least one prisoner, named Bohan, crept into the structure and become lost. His friends could hear him yelling in there for days. The structure is quite porous, and the gaps between the statues are quite large.

In fact, quite a few men have gone missing. The warden suspects that they slipped into the interior of the island and quickly became lost, lacking torches. No search parties are ever sent into such a corrupting environment, for how the priests sanction so much exposure to an unholy environment?

And so the interior of the island remains a mystery, and any prisoner who has glimpsed it is forbidden to speak of it.

Numerous scholarly groups are eager to study it before it is totally destroyed. How old is it? Is it truly the work of ancient gillmen? What was its purpose? And how were the fused statues constructed?  How deep does it go? And is there a structure at its heart? (Excavation has already found structures near the shore that resemble cross-sections of streets: flagstones radiating out from a center point, complete with parallel ditches, all filled with statues.)


As you might expect, there are no shortage of rumors among the murderers and traitors of the Greywing Bay Prison Camp. The statues come alive at night. There is a monster inside the island. There is a tunnel beneath the island that leads to freedom. The tunnels beneath the island are flooded. Bohan has become a gillman and visits the prisoners at night, trading secrets for cigarettes. Dendrola has come to the Abominable Island. No, it is her daughter that has come. The gillmen are here to enslave us. The gillmen are here to kill us. The island is our gallows. The island is our home.

Notably, there have been a number of attacks by the gillmen. But the fish people are not as numerous as they once were, and the gillmen of Greywing Bay are famously meek.  In fact, the gillmen that attacked seem to have sailed here from a great distance away (in their semi-submerged ships), perhaps some location off in the ocean.

Unfortunately, extensive interrogation of captured gillmen has revealed that not even they know the origins or purpose of the Abominable Island. Most of their recorded history was destroyed when we destroyed their civilization; it seems their brief attempts to repossess the monolith-island were driven by a minority faction seeking to reclaim some of their former glory.

And so the paladins face the sea when they stand watch.





Thank you +Noah Stevens +Jacob Hurst +Brendan S +Jeremy Duncan for recommending me some good statues.



In case anyone was wondering where all this is on the map of Centerra, here you go.  Gattica is red, the River of Souls forms its northern boundary, and the capitol of Angelmar is roughly halfway along the river, between Greywing Bay (to the east) and the Three Secret Seas (to the west). I guess that star should be a little further northwest. Anyway, the Abominable Island is sort of in the middle of that narrow bay.

Jack Vance Walks Into a Pilates Studio

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So I read through Jack Vance's significant corpus this year. It was very edifying.  And satisfactory to finally be reading some Appendix N material.

Why if, you all knew how shallow my Appendix N exposure truly was, you'd punch a hole in your computer screen, break your keyboard over your knee, and urinate all over your hard drive. Then you'd put all of those things in a box, fill it with ox blood and the chimneysweep's curse, and mail it to me.

That's the singular reason why I don't post my address online.

Anyway, Jack Vance is awesome.  I get the appeal of Vancian magic.  I do, I really do.  It's a fantastic storytelling device.  Chekov's ammo, really.

But.

Nowhere does he have spell levels. Vance's wizards are more flexible than that.



So here's my idea: a more flexible Vancian system. We take over the government and collapse all of those big Spells Per Level Per Day tables that wizards have into a Flex-points Per Day progression.  We'll call it MP for Magic Points, and they can be used to prepare spells of any level.

Let's say that a level 1 spell is worth one Magic Point and a level 2 spell is worth 2 Magic Points and so on.  A level 1 Wizard has 1 MP, because he can cast a single level 1 spell and nothing else.  A level 3 wizard has 4 MP, because he can cast a pair of level 1 spells and a single level 2 spell.

This is how we can convert the existing magic-user charts into equivalent MP-per-level.

I know, in my heart of hearts, that this system is flawed.  Spell power isn't linear.  A trio of level 1 spells are not as useful as single level 3 spell.  But it's close enough, to make this interesting, right?

We'll never know unless we try.

Let's start by looking at S&W and LL and adding up all of their spell ranks on a spreadsheet. We'll add in the spell progression from 3.5 as a control group, to see how much the game has changed in 30 years.  The "Goblin" column is a progression of my own devising, but I'll come back to that.


Level3.5 styleS&WLLGoblin
11111
22222
34444
47766
5101199
616141212
720201716
829272320
934323125
1046394030
1152514736
1267666042
1374787049
1492918756
1510010810864
1612112712472
1713014115181
1815415917290
19154187187100
20171210204120

So this looks interesting.  3.5 style spell progression actually creeps up the highest of the three in the middle, but ends up limiting itself at the last minute.  LL and S&W seem to parallel each other nicely, at least in this respect.

(Also S&W spell progressions are a little weird.  I know they were drawing on the ancestral genome when they drafted themselves, but wow.  Also, S&W is all about giving you lots of mid- and low-level spells, while being very frugal with the level 7-9.  Seriously, as "low" as level 16, you can cast 5 spells from every level 1-6, but still no level 9 spells.  You never get more than a pair of level 9 spells.  Conversely, high level LL gives you more spells in the 7-9 range, but fewer in the 1-6. Is this important to anyone??? Totally yes.)

I was pretty excited by all of this thinking about spell progressions.  To be honest, I was getting a little sweaty. So I do what I always do when I get sweaty: make some graphs.



Then I made a semi-logarithmic graph and zoomed in on the areas of interest. You can sort of see the wiggles in the different lines.  Also noticeable is how the 3.5 graph jumps in power every other level, a product of it's extremely regular intra-spell-level progression.


Anyway, if you actually played a wizard using flexible MP, it would be a pretty big advantage to be so flexible (everyone go do pilates).  They'd be able to prepare a shit-ton of level 1 spells if that is what the day required, or just prepare a handful of their highest level spells.

So, a compromise was needed.  I made my own MP progression.  It's up there alongside the others, labeled "Goblin". Unlike everyone else's weird squiggly lines, my progression is mathematically perfect all along its length (except at level 20, where I gave them +10 MP, because level-fucking-20).  It's also yields a lot fewer MP than the other 3 alternatives.  Which is appropriate, since you are trading quantity for flexibility.

Unbalancing? Maybe.

Vancian? I think so. Rhialto doesn't roll up with a bunch of Magic Missile and Hold Portal. No! He brings 5 big-awesome-sexy spells that are all gamechangers (and coincidentally appropriate) over the course of his day.

But can we make it more Vancian?  Can we give the class even fewer MP so that they'll only cast handful of spells?  And give it a stupid name?

Vancomancer

Hit Die: d6
Armor: as Thief
Weapons: as Thief
Attack Bonus: as Thief
Everything Else: as Magic-User

The Vancomancer learns, prepares, and casts spells in much the same way a Magic-User can (including the spell levels that are accessible).  However, a vancomancer is not limited to any particular number of spells per day of a particular level. Instead, a vancomancer has a pool of magic point (MP) that they expend each morning when they are preparing their spells. It costs a number of MP to prepare a spell equal to the spell's level.


LevelMP
11
22
34
46
58
610
712
814
916
1018
1120
1222
1324
1426
1528
1630
1732
1834
1936
2040
You'll notice that this chart is very limiting, compared to the vast pools of converted MP the magic-users got in LL and S&W.  A level 5 vancomancer has a mere 8 MP.  They might prepare a single level 3 spell, a pair of level 2 spells, and a single level 1 spell on a particular morning.  Or they might prepare eight level 1 spells, depending on their need.

At the same time, they're slightly less useless in a fight, with a little more hp and attack bonuses.

I feel like Vance's wizards only wore huge robes because of how comfortable and luxurious they were. Sort of like lounging around in gilded pajamas. The whole "wizards can't wear armor" thing seems to be an exercise in niche protection. Or maybe people just like the preserve the iconic glass cannon.

But heck, even Vance's wizards swung weapons with some alacrity. Gandalf had a sword!

Alright, I feel justified enough.  I can hit the submit button now.

Nalta

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I don't think Nalta will play much of a part in a Land of Flowers game, but whatever.

Nalta and the Glimmering Isles

Seven Years Upon The Fish

The greatest ocean in the world is the Sea of Fish, and the men who sail upon are the greatest of sailors.

The Sea of Fish is sometimes also called the "Fishy Blue" or sometimes just the "Fish".  A sailor might say something like, "aye, I spent seven years upon the Fish, an watched her swallow me mates and me son, though I still love her, I do".

It is said that the gillmen call it the "Sea of Apes" because of all the humans sailing on it.

In the southwestern quadrant of the Fish (known as a mild and playful expanse, with entire stretches of emerald-green water blanketed by sea-lilies and lumber-flies) you will find the island of Nalta.  It has a smaller, companion island called Namboora.  Between them and to the north are the Glimmering Isles and the Megara Reefs, which were believed to be cursed for a long time (because of all the ships that disappeared while sailing between them).

It wasn't until the Three Carpenters Who Became Kings sailed through the Megara Reefs in their horizon-fetcher (picture an giant outrigger canoe crossed with a galleon, with two main decks and a canvas tent above that) that they discovered that it was home to a large city of gillmen.

The Three Carpenters Who Became Kings helped settle the island and died their first deaths, just in time for the Naltese islands to be conquered by the empire Cheox.  After a generation, Nalta had been transformed into a land of huge plantations and orchards.  Most of their produce went to feed Cheox.  When Cheox fell (within a few decades of conquering Nalta), the liberated citizens tore down the statues, but set up their own government in imitation of the one they had just escaped.

A Tedious History of Violence

In the years that followed, Nalta attempted to establish itself as a kingdom of plantations.  But Nalta is a desirable prize, with fertile lands and beautiful beaches.  Various forces struggled for that narrow island, and the history since then has been clotted with warlords and plantation kings, with dynasties springing up and falling sometimes in the space of a single season.  We'll skip all that tedious history then, except for one warlord, named Tora-torog, The Biter of Fists.

Tora-torog was the only warlord to unite all of the islands.  He was a Zyrolean marinel (monkey-tailed sailor dude) from the Changoor dynasty.  It is said that in the Battle of Angry Faces (which united all of Nalta) the fatalities were so high that the rivers ran red with blood.  They also say that before the Battle of Burning Tongues bananas were a sickly yellow, rather than the pleasing red they are today.  The sundry bones of those buried beneath the orchards nourishes and sustains those great fruits.

Almost immediately after conquering Nalta, Tora-torog, The Biter of Fists began to go powerfully insane.

Many strange aspects of Nalta can be attributed to Tora-Torog.  He built an enormous series of dikes and earthworks called the Serpentsgrip Hills, ostensibly to keep his "life essence" from washing away from him (possibly referring to his semen).  He built the Secret Beds of Dogs as a series of tombs for his beloved "dogs", hid the entrances, and killed all of the builders that didn't want to build another tomb for one of this "dogs".  The Secret Beds are sized for dogs (no hallway is higher than 5') and all of the known ones have been looted.  Tora-torog's definition of a dog was a loose one, and the Secret Beds hold humans, fish, horses, and even a few richly clothed rocks that Tora-Torog thought resembled dogs.  But what Tora-Torog is most known for is the House of All Gods.


The House of All Gods

Tora-Torog was a follower of Furo, the marinel religion that has been described as the pinnacle of pan-inclusive idolatry.  The Followers of Furo believe that the world is full of numerous small gods that physically reside in their idols, which they trade like mercantile commodities.  However, Furo believes that all gods are part of the Furo omni-pantheon, even those of other religions (which is why they consider all temples to be their temples, and even a great deal of things that aren't temples).

Anyway, Tora-Torog decided that he would build a mansion for the gods to live in when they wearied of living in their idols.  By following their instructions, no matter how nonsensical, he would build the ultimate vehicle of divine accomodation--a precursor to heaven on earth.

The House of All Gods resembles a city, if all of the buildings were taken from disparate parts of the world and them smashed together so that there are no streets.  (This is not an exaggeration.  In at least one instance The Biter of Fists paid a clan of pirates an exorbitant fee to steal the Tower of Yen from the monks who venerated it, and install it in the center of the House of All Gods.)  There's even a few ships assimilated into its mass.

In fact, much of the construction seems impossible: buildings attached  upside down, a heavy stone cairns stacked atop a wooden hunting lodge (complete with trophies), and even a 300' bridge that appears to stuck into the ground sideways without bending or falling.  The common consensus is that Tora-Torog, despite his  madness, actually received assistance from the gods.  

So, at least in this respect, Tora-Torog was not just a madman (there are those who believe he was the sanest man who ever lived), and if this is true, then the Biter of Fists succeeded in his goal, and the House of All Gods is a literal incarnation of the gods' realm, as well as a preview of the (apparently incomprehensible) afterlife that we will all one day experience.

One sweltering summer day, Tora-torog was indulging in an eating contest among his closest friends and family (he was a champion eater) when he attempted to eat a vast mouthful of baby octopi, who clung to the inside of his throat and choked him.  His brothers promptly hoisted the cutlery and declared war on each other.  Within a week, the islands were plunged back into war, and men no longer eat more than one baby octopus at a time unless they wish to tempt fate.

The Three Plantations

The Three Great Plantations of Nalta are more like small city-states that organize themselves according to the old lines of indentured servitude and slavery that were common in the Cheoxian era.  For example, the nobles eschew traditional titles, and instead are known as Taskmasters, Lasher, and Master of Plums, even though those titles have lost much of their original meaning, although the Lashers still carry whips (often bejeweled) at the side of their impeccable, white, tailored suits.

To use modern terminology, Nalta is a failed state.  The islands are technically in a state of perpetual war, but the actual experience is better described as an extremely tenuous peace characterized by willful ignorance.

Walking across the countryside, it is not uncommon to find a group of soldiers from one plantation drinking iced mango juice beneath a sprawling banyan and then, just over the next hill, a group of soldiers from a different plantation-city will be playing a lively game of lawn darts, while prostitutes hang off their arms.  If you attempt to alert either group to the existence of the other, they will grow unfriendly and accuse you of lies.

Although the people of Nalta are varied, they have grown tired of generations of war, and most would rather ignore each other than engage in open warfare.  This attitude does not extend to the upper echelons, and the leadership of each plantation hates each other with a contemptuous rage.  Given the opportunity, they would rather attack the other plantations.  However, when the orders are given to march on the enemy, the armies conspire with each other, and elaborate marches lose themselves in the hillocks and orchards, and in the end, each army is miraculously unable to locate the other.  About half of all military campaigns end with each army drinking punch with their distant relatives, or a skinny dipping on some white sand beach.

The other half of all military campaigns end in battles, retreat, flanking maneuvers, and many young men dying in banana groves.  Because it is not all empty posturing, and not everyone prays for peace.

The closest thing to a neutral ground is Bitefist Bay, which occupies a central location on the main island.  The cognitive dissonance is even stronger here, and you may even find opposing soldiers walking past each other on the same street, each doing their very best to pretend the other one isn't there.  Skirmishes are very rare in Bitefist Bay, because the whole islands depends on the commerce that moves through it.  Nalta is not self-sufficient, and relies on trade for clothing, iron, and other finished products.

There are three big plantation cities, each controlled by a different group in a different area, and each is known for a different type of liquor.  They compete for control of the islands but especially for the House of All Gods (which is the same thing).

Vast and subtle enchantments were wrought that persist to this day. In the forests, the trees grow in straight rows, and small birds will explode in a shower of feathers if someone pantomimes shooting them with a bow (much to the delight of children).


Papa Temnoc and the Golden Claw

The gillmen are some of the first inhabitants of Nalta, and they have since returned in force to claim it.  There is a savage clan of red gillmen living in the Glimmering Isles and the Megara Reefs, who call themselves the Golden Claw.  Their leader is called Papa Temnoc, who is a gigantic (7') tall gillman who has had one of his hands replaced with a golden claw after losing it in battle.

The Golden Claw Clan is also known to use a great number of enslaved crab men for battle and labor.  Crab men are as big as ogres and covered in armor.  Their crabs are drugged with opiates and painted (both fearsome patterns and vulgar graffiti) and then ridden into battle.  You've never really lived until you've been killed by a giant crab covered in neon pornography.

Digression: Gillmen are basically merfolk with legs.  Gills are basically semi-external lungs that rely on a large surface area for gas exchange.  So basically, they look like pale green-blue humans with holes cut out between all of their ribs.  Like, you could poke a stick beween between their ribs and almost poke their spine.  Human lungs are filled with alveoli; but gillmen ribs are filled with what appear to be bushy masses of red filaments, which are visible between their lungs.  See here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mneDhOtVEQw.

Another Digression: Although gillmen can breathe water and swim like fish, the fastest way to travel across the ocean is still by boat.  These are strange, fusiform things, with most of the ship's mass beneath the water and the sails sticking out above the water.  Sort of like footballs/tuna with a bad infestation of canvas.

Papa Temnoc dreams of capturing the House of All Gods, flooding it, and filling with schools of small, tasty fish.  The Golden Claw is known for producing a type of alcohol called salavoka, which is made from the gas-filled bladders of a type of succulent kelp.  Salavoka is a dark black liquid that is usually diluted before drinking, when it turns a sort of rich yellow color.  It is sold and served from small wooden barrels, each of which is packaged with a single sea urchin (meant to guarantee purity, since the urchin will rot if the alcohol content is not high enough.  Salavoka is traditionally consumed from hollowed out urchins.  After the barrel is finished, the urchin is either carefully eaten or thrown hard against something wooden, where it sticks.

Mad King Ketch and the Darklanders

On the west side of the main island, you'll find settlements filled with Darklanders, exiled from their homeland twenty years ago.  They are led by a man called Mad King Ketch, who has two wives, and two daughters with each one.  Although he controls farms and orchards, he lives in the small swamp there, which is called the Brackenwald.

Within the Brackenwald, he resides aboard the remains of the Ship of Fools, the same vessel that carried him here from the Darklands.  The Ship of Fools was filled with the cast-offs of society: madmen, criminals, and blunderers.  Although the Ship of Fools is no longer seaworthy, it is still most definitely swampworthy.  You may occasionally see it being towed around the swamp by teams of ragged crocodile-men and wild-eyed darklanders.  It was a big, flat-bottomed scow before it was marooned in the swamp.  Now screech owls nest in the portholes and moss throttles the figurehead (a horse).  Black swamp-wolves climb up the netting and sleep beside the lepers. The masts have all been broken apart, and made into totem poles that decorate the swamp. This is where Mad King Ketch holds court.

The Darklanders have been joined by a great number of lepers and runaways since then, building their own village of lost souls.  And although they are still called "the darklanders", the ash-skinned northerners actually make up a minority of the group.  Some of them can't even speak darkentongue, and most of them can see see colors.

Mad King Ketch exports black rum.  ("The blacker the tongue, the warmer the sun.")  It is made from the sweet fruit of enormous swamp ferns.  The black color comes from caramelized fern-fruit and a period of aging in charred barrels.

It is said that Mad King Ketch's two daughters are brine witches, as are his two wives, as are his two mothers-in-law.  The Ship of Fools is guarded at all times by Oshi-Oto, the Worm-Dragon, a dragon, although he is barely recognizable as one now.  In his youth, a flesh-eating disease robbed him of his arms, legs, eyes, and scales.  The only respite the mad, crippled dragon has is in black rum, which he insists keeps his disease at bay and drinks by the gallon.

Lady Dalfeen and the First Circus

Tora-torag was a scion of the Changoor dynasty, and that proud tradition is continued today in the First Circus.  Led by Lady Dalfeen and her acrobat-nobility, the First Circus is the only remaining institution still surviving from the days of the Biter of Fists.

The First Circus can be found on the eastern half of the main island, amid the rolling hills and orange clay.  The vineyards there produce a rich variety of the fruit brandies that Nalta is best known for.  The most famous liquor produced there is called looskay (rhymes with "moose bay") and is known the world over.

Lady Delfeen and her acrobat-elite dwell in Rukya, a town of terraces and grape presses.  She controls the Nine Acre Chariot which is usually used to carry all of the produce back from distant orchards in a single trip.  However, the Nine Acre Chariot is more famous on the sea, where it is one of the biggest warships in the world.  It resembles a barge the size of a building being towed by a pair of even bigger ferris wheels (packed with laborers, who run up the sides of the wheels like hamsters in a wheel), not unlike a chariot being pulled by two revolving horses.

Bitefist Bay

The closest thing to a neutral zone on Nalta is the portside town known as Bitefist Bay.  You'll see an intersection of marinel from the hills, darklanders from the swamp, and all manner of travelers and traders.  (Agents of the gillmen also frequent the town, although you won't find gillmen there in person.)

Technically, everyone on Nalta works on a plantation, so Bitefist Bay constitutes its own plantation.  If a resident of Nalta wants to declare themselves to be neutral, they'll claim allegiance to Bitefist Bay.

Neighborhoods will be divided up according to allegiances (although this won't be obvious to outsiders) and outsiders will be pressured to take sides. Adventurers will be hired to attack, sabotage, and distract the rival plantations.  Plausible deniability and all that.

You won't find nobility here (No Lasher Dandies or Mango Ladies), but you'll meet lots of associated personalities.  The taverns serve the local alcohols in tin cups, and hunting and fishing  are both enormously popular diversions. The town square contains a fifty foot long grill that they use to fry a single pelagic otterworm, on the rare occasions when one is caught. (Everyone loves an impromptu otterworm festival, and if you ever want to broker peace on Nalta, it'll help if you show up with an otterworm.)

The Mayor is a woman named Beatrina Lamonsiq. She is a cripple, and rolls around in a wheelchair, a blanket in her lap, a strong drink in her hand, and a twinkle in her eye. She is popular because of her powerful dedication to protecting Bitefist locals. Her son, Abergrand Lamonsiq, sells cigars and is in charge of appraisng newcomers and keeping her informed.

Another notable person is Glipkerian Mosok, who committed a heinous crime in his youth and was punished for it. Originally, he was to be put in the stocks in the marketplace until death, but people brought him food and he lived for months. Eventually, his sentence was commuted to merely having his feet put into the stocks. That was twenty years ago. Now, Glipkerian occupies a rounded booth in the center of the square, where he operates his "Shop of Useful Items". He has never strayed from where he is anchored, and his body has grown round and fat, and now snugly conforms to the dimensions of his shop-prison. No one has seen his feet in years, and they are the subject of many rumors.

Towards a Better Cleric

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Our religions are some of the weirdest things we've ever come up with (see also: sacred foreskins, cargo cults, Xenu). And since everything in a fantasy world is weirder, fantasy religions should be totally insane. 

Most fantasy religions I've seen are analogues of real-world religions, probably because:
1. Religions are already fantastic enough.
2. Atheist nerds need to be able to relate to them.
3. The DM is comfortable with the pseudo-fantasy milieu that DnD assumes.
But those are all stupid reasons. Make your religions weirder and your game will be enriched.

And clerics are the bleeding edge of this sword called religion.






Anyway, mechanics.

Fighters and magic-users learn the skills that make them so effective.  Clerics don't learn anything except how to pray harder and believe more.  So while other characters increase in skills and knowledge, the cleric only increases in faith.

Faith is a very big thing for a role-playing game. It locks down some aspect of your character.  The communist fighter can become a capitalist gladiator on Brawl Street, but if the cleric of Ra can't become an atheist without losing their powers. So clerics are railroaded, a little bit.

I'm a little dissatisfied with the mechanics that clerics have inherited in DnD. They pick and choose their spells almost exactly like wizards. Healing and turning undead are their protected niche, which I'm sort of ambivalent about (how do you feel about necromancers turning undead, or white mages could heal?)  And clerics are supposed to be members of an extant religion, so how come my cleric players never seek out the dinosaur-pope to ask his blessing? They don't even attend black mass! (Cleric means 'member of the clergy'.)




Thesis: Clerics should feel different from wizards, not by virtue of niche protection, but by mechanics for emulate faith.

So, here's my attempt to rebuild the cleric class.

Design:
-You don't choose your spells beforehand. You don't even have spells.
-You have faith points, that you use to pray for stuff (analogous to casting spells).
-You can pray for whatever you want, but prayers might not be answered.
-Faith points go down when your prayers go unanswered.
-Faith points go up when you attend mass/temple/orgies, get blessed by a priest, or whatever.

Can we make a viable class out of these ideas? Maybe.  I'll focus on the first 3 levels for now.





Cleric
A fighter whose indomitable faith can work miracles.

Start with a cleric from your favorite system, subtract the spellcasting and Turn Undead, and add the following stuff.

Level 1: Max Faith Points = 2. Communion 9.
Level 2: Max Faith Points = 4. Communion 10.
Level 3: Max Faith Points = 8. Communion 11. Double Prayer.

Faith
Faith points (FP) represent how certain you are that you deserve the miracles you pray for. They are spent when you request a small miracle of your deity, but they are immediately refunded if your prayer is answered (since that reinforces your faith). Your FP maximum is modified by your Wisdom bonus. FP don't return every day. Instead, they regenerate only if:
  • You do some great deed in the direct interests of your faith (e.g. triumphing over an enemy cleric). Smaller deeds (e.g. finding a minor holy relic) might return 1 or 2 FP.
  • Spend (at least) 4 hours praying in a major site of worship, or get blessed by a high-ranking member of your faith.
  • Spend (at least)  4 hours praying  in a minor site of worship. You can build these with time and resources (e.g. raising a monolith in a clearing), but these cannot raise your FP higher than half of its normal maximum.
  • Very powerful ceremonies (e.g. the pope presiding over a gigantic ceremony to sanctify your mission) may raise your FP up to double its normal maximum.
Communion
Your communion rank represents the strength of your connection to your deity. You get +1 communion while in a minor holy site and +2 communion while in a major holy site, while unholy sites (such as an opposing church) give equivalent penalties. When you pray, roll a d20 and test under your Communion. If the rolls is successful, your prayer is answered (comparable to a 1st level spell) AND your point is refunded.

You cannot pray for the same thing twice. If your god doesn't want to cleanse the leprosy from the nonbeliever, it would be insulting to ask again.

Your god is more likely to answer some sorts of prayers than others, depending on your deity's portfolio. A sample prayer portfolio for a generic god is given on the next page, although technically you can pray for anything. If you pray for something that is:
  • perfectly aligned with your god's portfolio (such as asking a sun god to fill a dark cave with light), but not listed, it is just as likely to happen as your other requests. Test under your communion, as normal.
  • sort of aligned (such as asking a sun god to dispel a spellcaster's invisibility), your DM may ask you to test under your Communion -4.
  • not aligned (such as asking a sun god to unlock a door), it has no chance of success, and your spent FP are wasted. However, there are exceptions based on the god's interests (such as asking the sun god to unlock the the back door to the moon god's temple so the party can raid it).
  • againstthe god's interests, it will never be answered.


Double Prayer
You pray twice as hard as humanly possible. If your prayer is answered, it is answered with twice the effect. Double effects have been indicated in the prayer table below. Treat these double effects as level 2 spells (normal prayers are only level 1 spells).

Default Portfolio
This deity has a portfolio that includes healing, purification, and life. Prayers that are aligned include (but are not limited to) the following:

Commune Receive ambiguous omens/visions/warnings.
2x = Receive slightly less ambiguous omens/visions/warnings.

Heal Touched creature gains 5 HP or recovers injury as if rested for a week.
2x = Touched creature gains 10 HP or recovers injury as if rested for 2 weeks.

Bless Target gets +1 to attacks and saves for an hour.
2x = Target gets +2 to attacks and saves for an hour.

Purify Remove a level 1 curse (or enchantment).
2x = Remove a level 1 or 2 curse (or enchantment).

Turn 1d6 nearby undead must save or flee, beginning with the weakest.
Undead with more HD than the cleric get +4 on their save.
2x = 2d6 nearby undead must save or flee, as above.

Cure Target gets a new saving throw against a poison or disease.
2x = Cure a poison or a disease. 

World Integration
Clerics are usually members of extant religions, and they usually have ranks within those religions. (Your cleric may one day be an adventuring pope.) Your faith is assumed to be unswerving, and you are probably involved with your religious institutions. If you advance far enough within your church, you'll probably be asked to give the sermons instead of just attend them. 


Hmm. That looks like it might not be total shit. Instead of writing down all the spells that they want to prepare for the day, the cleric just has to keep track of how many times they can pray in a day (FP) and how likely those prayers are to come to pass (Communion), which seems like a good trade. 

They're a lot more flexible, since they can pray for whatever they want.  They're also very unreliable, since their prayers will go unanswered often.

I like the "you cannot pray for the same thing twice" as it makes a lot of sense and prevents clerics from abusing their sometimes-large FP pools.

I like trimming down a god's portfolio into six spells. It seems like a good way to capture whatever a god is about, in a very practical way.

The "It only costs FP if you fail" rule is pretty strange, mechanically, and it means that the Communion rank is doubly important. It may lead to a cleric spending all their FP without any results and becoming frustrated as a result (the sort of thing that might make a cleric question his devotion, no?)

Communion should probably never get higher than 12. That means it might rise to 14 in Saint Peter's Basilica and that's pretty powerful because your getting twice as many miracles per FP as you would if your Communion was 10.

They need to visit their temples regularly which is awesome but potentially a huge disadvantage if they spend weeks out in the wilderness. If they are going to be in one place for a while, they'll probably want to sanctify a small area for their worship, which is cool.


Some credit is due to the excellent Nine and Thirty Kingdoms blog, which is excellent all over but especially here, where it has an article about clerics without spells.

Nalta

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I don't think Nalta will play much of a part in a Land of Flowers game, but whatever.

Nalta and the Glimmering Isles

Seven Years Upon The Fish

The greatest ocean in the world is the Sea of Fish, and the men who sail upon are the greatest of sailors.

The Sea of Fish is sometimes also called the "Fishy Blue" or sometimes just the "Fish".  A sailor might say something like, "aye, I spent seven years upon the Fish, an watched her swallow me mates and me son, though I still love her, I do".

It is said that the gillmen call it the "Sea of Apes" because of all the humans sailing on it.

In the southwestern quadrant of the Fish (known as a mild and playful expanse, with entire stretches of emerald-green water blanketed by sea-lilies and lumber-flies) you will find the island of Nalta.  It has a smaller, companion island called Namboora.  Between them and to the north are the Glimmering Isles and the Megara Reefs, which were believed to be cursed for a long time (because of all the ships that disappeared while sailing between them).

It wasn't until the Three Carpenters Who Became Kings sailed through the Megara Reefs in their horizon-fetcher (picture an giant outrigger canoe crossed with a galleon, with two main decks and a canvas tent above that) that they discovered that it was home to a large city of gillmen.

The Three Carpenters Who Became Kings helped settle the island and died their first deaths, just in time for the Naltese islands to be conquered by the empire Cheox.  After a generation, Nalta had been transformed into a land of huge plantations and orchards.  Most of their produce went to feed Cheox.  When Cheox fell (within a few decades of conquering Nalta), the liberated citizens tore down the statues, but set up their own government in imitation of the one they had just escaped.

A Tedious History of Violence

In the years that followed, Nalta attempted to establish itself as a kingdom of plantations.  But Nalta is a desirable prize, with fertile lands and beautiful beaches.  Various forces struggled for that narrow island, and the history since then has been clotted with warlords and plantation kings, with dynasties springing up and falling sometimes in the space of a single season.  We'll skip all that tedious history then, except for one warlord, named Tora-torog, The Biter of Fists.

Tora-torog was the only warlord to unite all of the islands.  He was a Zyrolean marinel (monkey-tailed sailor dude) from the Changoor dynasty.  It is said that in the Battle of Angry Faces (which united all of Nalta) the fatalities were so high that the rivers ran red with blood.  They also say that before the Battle of Burning Tongues bananas were a sickly yellow, rather than the pleasing red they are today.  The sundry bones of those buried beneath the orchards nourishes and sustains those great fruits.

Almost immediately after conquering Nalta, Tora-torog, The Biter of Fists began to go powerfully insane.

Many strange aspects of Nalta can be attributed to Tora-Torog.  He built an enormous series of dikes and earthworks called the Serpentsgrip Hills, ostensibly to keep his "life essence" from washing away from him (possibly referring to his semen).  He built the Secret Beds of Dogs as a series of tombs for his beloved "dogs", hid the entrances, and killed all of the builders that didn't want to build another tomb for one of this "dogs".  The Secret Beds are sized for dogs (no hallway is higher than 5') and all of the known ones have been looted.  Tora-torog's definition of a dog was a loose one, and the Secret Beds hold humans, fish, horses, and even a few richly clothed rocks that Tora-Torog thought resembled dogs.  But what Tora-Torog is most known for is the House of All Gods.


The House of All Gods

Tora-Torog was a follower of Furo, the marinel religion that has been described as the pinnacle of pan-inclusive idolatry.  The Followers of Furo believe that the world is full of numerous small gods that physically reside in their idols, which they trade like mercantile commodities.  However, Furo believes that all gods are part of the Furo omni-pantheon, even those of other religions (which is why they consider all temples to be their temples, and even a great deal of things that aren't temples).

Anyway, Tora-Torog decided that he would build a mansion for the gods to live in when they wearied of living in their idols.  By following their instructions, no matter how nonsensical, he would build the ultimate vehicle of divine accomodation--a precursor to heaven on earth.

The House of All Gods resembles a city, if all of the buildings were taken from disparate parts of the world and them smashed together so that there are no streets.  (This is not an exaggeration.  In at least one instance The Biter of Fists paid a clan of pirates an exorbitant fee to steal the Tower of Yen from the monks who venerated it, and install it in the center of the House of All Gods.)  There's even a few ships assimilated into its mass.

In fact, much of the construction seems impossible: buildings attached  upside down, a heavy stone cairns stacked atop a wooden hunting lodge (complete with trophies), and even a 300' bridge that appears to stuck into the ground sideways without bending or falling.  The common consensus is that Tora-Torog, despite his  madness, actually received assistance from the gods.  

So, at least in this respect, Tora-Torog was not just a madman (there are those who believe he was the sanest man who ever lived), and if this is true, then the Biter of Fists succeeded in his goal, and the House of All Gods is a literal incarnation of the gods' realm, as well as a preview of the (apparently incomprehensible) afterlife that we will all one day experience.

One sweltering summer day, Tora-torog was indulging in an eating contest among his closest friends and family (he was a champion eater) when he attempted to eat a vast mouthful of baby octopi, who clung to the inside of his throat and choked him.  His brothers promptly hoisted the cutlery and declared war on each other.  Within a week, the islands were plunged back into war, and men no longer eat more than one baby octopus at a time unless they wish to tempt fate.

The Three Plantations

The Three Great Plantations of Nalta are more like small city-states that organize themselves according to the old lines of indentured servitude and slavery that were common in the Cheoxian era.  For example, the nobles eschew traditional titles, and instead are known as Taskmasters, Lasher, and Master of Plums, even though those titles have lost much of their original meaning, although the Lashers still carry whips (often bejeweled) at the side of their impeccable, white, tailored suits.

To use modern terminology, Nalta is a failed state.  The islands are technically in a state of perpetual war, but the actual experience is better described as an extremely tenuous peace characterized by willful ignorance.

Walking across the countryside, it is not uncommon to find a group of soldiers from one plantation drinking iced mango juice beneath a sprawling banyan and then, just over the next hill, a group of soldiers from a different plantation-city will be playing a lively game of lawn darts, while prostitutes hang off their arms.  If you attempt to alert either group to the existence of the other, they will grow unfriendly and accuse you of lies.

Although the people of Nalta are varied, they have grown tired of generations of war, and most would rather ignore each other than engage in open warfare.  This attitude does not extend to the upper echelons, and the leadership of each plantation hates each other with a contemptuous rage.  Given the opportunity, they would rather attack the other plantations.  However, when the orders are given to march on the enemy, the armies conspire with each other, and elaborate marches lose themselves in the hillocks and orchards, and in the end, each army is miraculously unable to locate the other.  About half of all military campaigns end with each army drinking punch with their distant relatives, or a skinny dipping on some white sand beach.

The other half of all military campaigns end in battles, retreat, flanking maneuvers, and many young men dying in banana groves.  Because it is not all empty posturing, and not everyone prays for peace.

The closest thing to a neutral ground is Bitefist Bay, which occupies a central location on the main island.  The cognitive dissonance is even stronger here, and you may even find opposing soldiers walking past each other on the same street, each doing their very best to pretend the other one isn't there.  Skirmishes are very rare in Bitefist Bay, because the whole islands depends on the commerce that moves through it.  Nalta is not self-sufficient, and relies on trade for clothing, iron, and other finished products.

There are three big plantation cities, each controlled by a different group in a different area, and each is known for a different type of liquor.  They compete for control of the islands but especially for the House of All Gods (which is the same thing).

Vast and subtle enchantments were wrought that persist to this day. In the forests, the trees grow in straight rows, and small birds will explode in a shower of feathers if someone pantomimes shooting them with a bow (much to the delight of children).

Papa Temnoc and the Golden Claw

The gillmen are some of the first inhabitants of Nalta, and they have since returned in force to claim it.  There is a savage clan of red gillmen living in the Glimmering Isles and the Megara Reefs, who call themselves the Golden Claw.  The center of their operations is  Pellamar Rugosa, a dormant caldera just below the surface of the ocean. Their leader is called Papa Temnoc, who is a gigantic (7') tall gillman who has had one of his hands replaced with a golden claw after losing it in battle.

The Golden Claw Clan is also known to use a great number of enslaved crab men for battle and labor.  Crab men are as big as ogres and covered in armor.  Their crabs are drugged with opiates and painted (both fearsome patterns and vulgar graffiti) and then ridden into battle.  You've never really lived until you've been killed by a giant crab covered in neon pornography.

Digression: Gillmen are basically merfolk with legs.  Gills are basically semi-external lungs that rely on a large surface area for gas exchange.  So basically, they look like pale green-blue humans with holes cut out between all of their ribs.  Like, you could poke a stick beween between their ribs and almost poke their spine.  Human lungs are filled with alveoli; but gillmen ribs are filled with what appear to be bushy masses of red filaments, which are visible between their lungs.  See here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mneDhOtVEQw.

Another Digression: Although gillmen can breathe water and swim like fish, the fastest way to travel across the ocean is still by boat.  These are strange, fusiform things, with most of the ship's mass beneath the water and the sails sticking out above the water.  Sort of like footballs/tuna with a bad infestation of canvas.

Papa Temnoc dreams of capturing the House of All Gods, flooding it, and filling with schools of small, tasty fish.  The Golden Claw is known for producing a type of alcohol called salavoka, which is made from the gas-filled bladders of a type of succulent kelp.  Salavoka is a dark black liquid that is usually diluted before drinking, when it turns a sort of rich yellow color.  It is sold and served from small wooden barrels, each of which is packaged with a single sea urchin (meant to guarantee purity, since the urchin will rot if the alcohol content is not high enough.  Salavoka is traditionally consumed from hollowed out urchins.  After the barrel is finished, the urchin is either carefully eaten or thrown hard against something wooden, where it sticks.

Mad King Ketch and the Darklanders

On the west side of the main island, you'll find settlements filled with Darklanders, exiled from their homeland twenty years ago.  They are led by a man called Mad King Ketch, who has two wives, and two daughters with each one.  Although he controls farms and orchards, he lives in the small swamp there, which is called the Brackenwald.

Within the Brackenwald, he resides aboard the remains of the Ship of Fools, the same vessel that carried him here from the Darklands.  The Ship of Fools was filled with the cast-offs of society: madmen, criminals, and blunderers.  Although the Ship of Fools is no longer seaworthy, it is still most definitely swampworthy.  You may occasionally see it being towed around the swamp by teams of ragged crocodile-men and wild-eyed darklanders.  It was a big, flat-bottomed scow before it was marooned in the swamp.  Now screech owls nest in the portholes and moss throttles the figurehead (a horse).  Black swamp-wolves climb up the netting and sleep beside the lepers. The masts have all been broken apart, and made into totem poles that decorate the swamp. This is where Mad King Ketch holds court.

The Darklanders have been joined by a great number of lepers and runaways since then, building their own village of lost souls called Molossus.  And although they are still called "the darklanders", the ash-skinned northerners actually make up a minority of the group.  Some of them can't even speak darkentongue, and most of them can see see colors.

Mad King Ketch exports black rum.  ("The blacker the tongue, the warmer the sun.")  It is made from the sweet fruit of enormous swamp ferns.  The black color comes from caramelized fern-fruit and a period of aging in charred barrels.

It is said that Mad King Ketch's two daughters are brine witches, as are his two wives, as are his two mothers-in-law.  The Ship of Fools is guarded at all times by Oshi-Oto, the Worm-Dragon, a dragon, although he is barely recognizable as one now.  In his youth, a flesh-eating disease robbed him of his arms, legs, eyes, and scales.  The only respite the mad, crippled dragon has is in black rum, which he insists keeps his disease at bay and drinks by the gallon.

Lady Dalfeen and the First Circus

Tora-torag was a scion of the Changoor dynasty, and that proud tradition is continued today in the First Circus.  Led by Lady Dalfeen and her acrobat-nobility, the First Circus is the only remaining institution still surviving from the days of the Biter of Fists.

The First Circus can be found on the eastern half of the main island, amid the rolling hills and orange clay.  The vineyards there produce a rich variety of the fruit brandies that Nalta is best known for.  The most famous liquor produced there is called looskay (rhymes with "moose bay") and is known the world over.

Lady Delfeen and her acrobat-elite dwell in Galnepal, a town of terraces and grape presses.  She controls the Nine Acre Chariot which is usually used to carry all of the produce back from distant orchards in a single trip.  However, the Nine Acre Chariot is more famous on the sea, where it is one of the biggest warships in the world.  It resembles a barge the size of a building being towed by a pair of even bigger ferris wheels (packed with laborers, who run up the sides of the wheels like hamsters in a wheel), not unlike a chariot being pulled by two revolving horses.

Bitefist Bay

The closest thing to a neutral zone on Nalta is the portside town known as Bitefist Bay.  You'll see an intersection of marinel from the hills, darklanders from the swamp, and all manner of travelers and traders.  (Agents of the gillmen also frequent the town, although you won't find gillmen there in person.)

Technically, everyone on Nalta works on a plantation, so Bitefist Bay constitutes its own plantation.  If a resident of Nalta wants to declare themselves to be neutral, they'll claim allegiance to Bitefist Bay.

Neighborhoods will be divided up according to allegiances (although this won't be obvious to outsiders) and outsiders will be pressured to take sides. Adventurers will be hired to attack, sabotage, and distract the rival plantations.  Plausible deniability and all that.

You won't find nobility here (No Lasher Dandies or Mango Ladies), but you'll meet lots of associated personalities.  The taverns serve the local alcohols in tin cups, and hunting and fishing  are both enormously popular diversions. The town square contains a fifty foot long grill that they use to fry a single pelagic otterworm, on the rare occasions when one is caught. (Everyone loves an impromptu otterworm festival, and if you ever want to broker peace on Nalta, it'll help if you show up with an otterworm.)

The Mayor is a woman named Beatrina Lamonsiq. She is a cripple, and rolls around in a wheelchair, a blanket in her lap, a strong drink in her hand, and a twinkle in her eye. She is popular because of her powerful dedication to protecting Bitefist locals. Her son, Abergrand Lamonsiq, sells cigars and is in charge of appraisng newcomers and keeping her informed.

Another notable person is Glipkerian Mosok, who committed a heinous crime in his youth and was punished for it. Originally, he was to be put in the stocks in the marketplace until death, but people brought him food and he lived for months. Eventually, his sentence was commuted to merely having his feet put into the stocks. That was twenty years ago. Now, Glipkerian occupies a rounded booth in the center of the square, where he operates his "Shop of Useful Items". He has never strayed from where he is anchored, and his body has grown round and fat, and now snugly conforms to the dimensions of his shop-prison. No one has seen his feet in years, and they are the subject of many rumors.

Lady Evica

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You'll find her in the lakeside town of Havenholt, where she lives. The easiest way to approach her is after Sunday mass, when all of the parishners gather on the lawn and patio to talk and exchange the week's news. They stand in small circles, talking with the deacon, inquiring about each other's health and the weather. They might say

That's two masses in a row that Grocer Hammond has missed. I hope he isn't ill.”

or perhaps you will hear

Daley, get away from the fountain. You're bothering the koi.”

She dresses conservatively, like her peers. Her long auburn hair is usually up in a bun, or in a braid beneath a headscarf. Her dress will be brown or navy, perhaps with a small carnation on the breast, and it will reach all the way down to her black leather patents.

A short veil may shade her eyes when she faces east, towards the lake and the morning sun. Her face is young, but not girlish. Her skin is flawless and her lips are full. Her jawline is a graceful, subtle curve, like the neck of a swan or the keel of a courtship canoe. Her eyes shine like sunlight on the water, and her laugh is as clear and dulcet as a bell. Her dress is bulky, but it carries a few hints of the voluptuous physique beneath it. In speech, she is modest, playful, and warm.

She is terrifyingly beautiful, but that is no surprise, since she chose the shape of her body. Shapeshifters rarely settle for the unremarkable.

Her nature is not a secret to the inhabitants of Havenholt. They have forgiven her monstrous origin.  But more than that, they love her.



Mothers exchange recipes for puddings with her, forgotten secrets from distant cupboards. Husbands look at her with respect (and surprisingly little lust) and ask if she needs anymore help fixing her gutters. She often walks home with a garland of dandelions around her brow, made by the children while their parents talked. She knows all of the town's children by name. She knows everyone by name.

Even the deacon and his priests have relaxed around her. It's been years since she missed a sermon. She has learned her scripture as thoroughly as any priest, and a compromise was even reached regarding the size of her bust. She has been an examplar to the town of piety and humility, and the Church is extremely pleased with the progress they've made with her. They regret all the harsh words they said in the beginning. They are sorry that they made her cry by telling her that she has no soul.

Perhaps an hour after mass is finished, the people will trickle back to their homes. Everyone exchanges kisses upon the cheek, parents arrange playdates, and the children make their goodbyes by offering Lady Evica a crown of grass and wildflowers.

She thanks them, and promises them that she will wear it for all the rest of the day. And she does.

She is usually accompanied back to her house by her friends. Mr. and Mrs. Brooken, or perhaps young Ms. Sarey Malloran. Sometimes the Roodens come when they can get a baby-sitter, even though Lady Evica insists that she doesn't mind the little ones. You might also find Mrs. Ranada, the seamstress, or Mr. Wencelworth, the merchant. Mrs. Tafferty is engaged in some sort of pastry war with Lady Evica, and the two women constantly barrage each other with desserts (and Mrs. Tafferty, I'm sorry to say, has been putting on an unfortunate amount of weight.) The spinsters Ebla and Balne Maverly are also prone to visitation, and will invariably attempt to apply their matchmaking talents to Lady Evica.

What do you think about Hanko, the reeve's son?”

I don't know. . . which one is Hanko?”

I'm so glad he finally abandoned that ridiculous beard. He's the one that is big enough to throw you over his shoulder.”

Oh! Well, I don't think I'd look very dignified atop a shoulder, so I must say that I have a very low opinion of men who go about, chucking women on their shoulders willy-nilly.”

Come, dear, but you aren't getting any younger?”

In truth, Mrs. Maverly, I don't think I'm getting any older either.”

Everyone laughs at this, because Lady Evica is immortal. They say she only gets more beautiful every year.


In her own words. . .

"When I was born, mother put me into a crystal ball at the bottom of lake, along with all my brothers and sisters. We were all very small then, no bigger than the smallest finger on the smallest man. It was a bit like falling asleep under the warm clouds, like dreaming without dreams. Sometimes mother would visit and sing to us. The songs were very beautiful, and I believed that she must be beautiful, too.

When mother died we all knew it. It was awful, at first. I was cold and hungry and scared. All around me my brothers and sisters were thrashing in the dark, just as scared as me. Before we knew what we were doing, we all set about eating each other. It was such wickedness, I regret all of it now that I have no noble brother or beautiful sister to visit with. But, alas. After I had eaten one of them, I swam away. There was still such a great tumult in the water and I was so full I could hardly breathe.
I know we didn't have souls--Mother didn't. But when she passed, her spirit entered us, only it was split between so many of us that we only had a tiny piece to each ourselves. It was like the light of a candle pressing back the darkness all around. And I believe it was that wicked spirit that led us to devour each other, because only by eating one another could we find more of Mother's spirit.
For a very long time, we swam the length of the breadth of the lakes. We would hunt and devour each other whenever we crossed paths. Soon there were only a few of us left, all of us the biggest and smartest that had hatched from that crystal egg. I suppose we lived like simple animals, then, although I remember experiencing things like curiosity, and playing, and loneliness. I used to love to watch the geese return every summer, and I would sneak up on the fat ones whenever I could and toss them as far into the air as I could. At least, that was what I did when I wasn't too hungry.


That was also when I began to see the first men building their cities along the shore. They would come out into the lakes in with their boats and their nets and their white sails. They seemed so brave and clever to sail across the lakes when there were so many dangerous creatures in it. And may the Authority forgive me, but I ate many of them, not knowing it was wickedness.
I would never have been redeemed if I had not heard their songs. The humans and the smallfolk used to sing to each other when they were hauling the nets. When I heard them I was overcome by loneliness and I suddenly felt as dirty as a mud duck and as small as a minnow. So, I showed myself to the fishermen. I don't know what I was expecting, but they drove me off with arrows and spears. You must understand that I was still beastly then, covered with scales and teeth and spines. Actually, that was when I realized that I was ugly, and I hated myself for it. I never bore any ill will towards the humans for driving me off. It was my body that I grew to despise, armored and gruesome. I resolved that someday I would be beautiful and kind, and and in those days I ate far fewer humans.
I didn't know that there were only two of us left. But one morning, when the sun was still a cool glow in the east and I was hunting for catfish, my last unlucky brother--I'm almost positive it was a brother--swam down from straight above me, seeking my neck. He was larger than me and much stronger. But he only ever chased after my neck, never minding where the rest of me was. In the end, he ended up biting me on my forehead--to small effect, for we both had skulls as thick as warships--while I was coiled around his neck and body. It took a long time to choke him, and the whole time he was thrashing like a thing possessed, pounding me against the green rocks at the bottom of the lake. And he was of such hideous strength that I feared that even my heavy skull would crack under his thick teeth. But at length, he was dead, and I wedged him under a rock and set about the slow task of eating him.


After I had finished eating him, I became aware of myself. It was like seeing a mirror for the first time. I felt strong and young and free. I realized that I could turn into other animals. I think I always could, if someone had shown me how. What is it like when a human first realizes he can wiggle his ears? I turned myself into a woman, the most beautiful one I could imagine, and went to where the people were. It was dusk, and the mayflies were dancing.

I walked into a muddy cottage and there was a man and he laid with me. I believe this was the first time I had felt happiness. It was startling and wonderful. I did this for a while in many of the towns around the lakes. I found that I could make the men breathe water so that they could stay with me on the bottom of the lake. Many people didn't like me for doing this. I remember one time, a large group of knights found me. I must have been stabbed half a dozen times before I made it back to the lake. I ate most of the knights in the end, may the Authority forgive me. After that, there were many knights in the towns, and I decided that it was no longer safe to leave the lake. For that reason, I think, I can never feel truly safe unless I am near the lake. Or in a church.
Humans, especially their wives, I think, were fond of saying that I charmed their men. But I never did. I didn't know how. I just held them and patted their poor heads and listened while they told me their problems. They were so troubled most of the time, poor things. I did what I could for them. I fed them and loved them and gave them the kind words and kisses they so needed. And when that was not enough, I changed them so that they could be happier in the lakes with me.
One day I found a small boat anchored in the center of the Steely Sea. Dolmea was the only one aboard--this is before he was a saint--and he had been trying to find me. He had been hanging a side of beef off the side of the boat, thinking that I would come to eat it. In truth, I was eating less and less meat in those days, and besides, the beef had gone off and I believe that Dolmea was quite nauseaus from the smell, poor thing. I came on the boat and he talked to me, and he was not the least bit scared. He told me of the gospels of Hesaya, and he spoke with such clarity and conviction that I was moved. I realized how wicked I had been my entire life.
Dolmea, bless his soul, helped me to pray. And that was the day that the Authority entered my heart and I found my redemption."


She'll conclude her story, and her friends around her will shake their heads in sympathy.
It must have been so hard for you, dearie.”
Praise the Authority and his prophetess, blessed be her name.”
Yes, well, I'm glad that's all behind you, m'lady. Now then, I hope it's not too early to open a bottle of wine. It's not Naltese brandy, but the parson assures me it's made from the second best vineyard in all of Kathar.”
The parson abstains from alcohol!”
Perhaps he only abstains from poor vintages. Open the bottle, would you, Hamill? The corkscrew is the veranda.”

And that's all well and good. Havenholt loves the Lady. But there is good reason to believe that she is lying—or at least omitting—quite a bit from her story.
By other accounts, Dolmea did not convert Evica immediately. Rather, he left with her and lived with her for some time, probably as another of her consorts. When paladins found him, he pleaded for more time, claiming that he needed more time and was close to a breakthrough. The paladins were skeptical and would have brought him back to Gattica to account for his failures if he hadn't slipped out of their camp.
The next day, Dolmea presented Evica as a convert to the church of Hesaya. She confessed her sins and begged to be forgiven of them, even though she had no soul and heaven would be forever impossible for her. Dolmea swore that their relationship was a pure one, and declared that her conversion was sincere. The church accepted this report, and Dolmea found acclaim (and eventually sainthood ) as the man who converted the monster of the Three Secret Seas. That was over a hundred years ago.
Since then, Lady Evica has grown to be cherished by both the Church and her adopted community of Havenholt.


The town of Havenholt adores her because she is beautiful, kind, and generous. She remembers everyone's names, and they think that she is the absolute pinnacle of piety and goodness. Look into the eyes of a man in an opium daze, and you will see the same expression that the villagers wear when Lady Evica gives them one of her holiday pies. (It's understandable; her pies are simply divine.)
The Hesayan Church sees her as one of their proudest achievement. She is living proof that they can bring civilization and worship to even the bestial offspring of an enemy god. (Not only did they destroy the gillmen's civilization and kill their goddess, but they that same goddess' only offspring is now a faithful churchgoer.) They pay for her comfortable lifestyle, and send her gifts of scripture, clothing, and tropical fish.  They would go to great lengths to prevent anything that would besmirch her good name (and their own). 
Digression: One of the Church's agents responsible for Lady Evica is St. Cascarion, an immortal vampire and one of the most powerful weapons in the Church's arsenal. Technically, he is the only true vampire in the world (all the others are pathetic murderers with terrible allergies, dietary restrictions, and poor impulse control.) Unlike Lady Evica, Cascarion's mind has been layers with so many enchantment, restrictions, dominations, and safeguards that it is unknown if any of his original personality survives beneath his priestly garb. He has many responsibilities in many parts of the world, but he is required to have dinner with Lady Evica two or three times a year. He scares the shit out of her, but then again, he scares the shit out of everyone.
But let's get back on subject. I was telling you how she lies.
At nights she will often slip into the cool waters of the lake and go for a swim, not returning until morning. During these excursions, she will take the form a mermaid, unless she intends to go for a longer swim, in which case she takes the form of a giant mermaid, 30' long.
This form is disturbingly close to that of her mother, Dendrola, who was the empress-god of the gillman empire that once darkened the coasts and waterways of the entire continent.
These excursions are kept secret, and the few townsfolk and clergy who are aware of them will deny them, both to outsiders and to themselves. The implicit acquiescence of the church is a bit surprising, since they were once very dedicated to the control of their faithful godling.
A hundred years ago, Lady Evica and Saint Cascarion were in comparable situations. But Cascarion struggled against the bit, and his collar has grown extremely tight, while Lady Evica has been gentle, and her leash has grown long, indeed. They don't even require her to present herself to the priest-kings in the capitol anymore; since they know how much she hates to be away from the water.
And that's the end of the hard facts. Now we enter the realm of speculation.


Before the Lady was converted to Hesaya, men would disappear from their homes and families. They would sometimes reappear as monstrous versions of themselves, speaking of living in a dome of air beneath the lake, where they enjoyed the Lady's intoxicating affections until she tired of them.
Some of these men had only slight mutations, while others were monstrous. Regardless, they were uniformly destroyed when discovered, because of their terrible appetites and constant lamentations and declarations of love for their new goddess. Broken, violent brutes, all of them.
Speculation: Many have suggested that it is most likely that Lady Evica just has a thing for hulking, brutish lovers. She claims that it is merely a side effect of her kisses that she uses to give men the ability to breath water, and that she has no control over it. Yet others claimed that she merely changed her paramours into what they secretly desired, and for most, that was strength.
These creatures were common in her nefarious “youth”, but they stopped appearing once Lady Evica converted to Hesaya and began living in Havenholt. But now, men go disappearing from the lakesides and the monsters have begun to reappear. These new man-creatures speak (when they are capable of speak and not merely breathing water) of their beloved scaled goddess, who they wish to love and to serve and to kiss.
Sometimes these creatures drag their twisted bulk into Havenholt, seeking Lady Evica. They are always killed before they get very far, while the Lady retreats into her house. She hates violence.
Regardless, she denies that she has anything to do with these monster-men who raid livestock pens and hunting nets, and has even offered a reward for information leading to their capture.
And gillmen have been seen in the lakes for the first time in generations.
They are the dispossessed race of the world, and no one has fallen as far as they since the Time of Fire and Madness. An illustrious empire decimated by a thousand misfortunes, into illiteracy, disease, and petty tribalism.
The gillmen are here to win back the heart of their estranged goddess (or at least her daughter, since she is the reincarnation of Dendrola). They bring tiaras of mottled gold, and lavish her with mounds of irregular pearls. They bring cloudy bottles of fermented dolphin's milk (a delicacy in their culture) and corroded scepters of ancient kings. They have even salvaged a tremendous suit of ceremonial armor, sized for a mermaid of truly prodigious proportions.
They can promise her empire, power, and wealth. They can take her to her mother's sunken palace, two-thousand miles away beneath the sea, where she can reawaken her divine spark and become a thousand times more powerful. These things may be true, but the gillmen are desperate, and although they have contacted Lady Evica in secret several times, they have always left frustrated. If they ever overcame their timidity long enough to leave the water, they would be amazed at their own bitter tears, which are so commonly invisible in the water.
So they began to consider alternative methods of reclaiming their goddess, the instrument of their future glory. Kidnapping is the crudest method, but it has been suggested. Many more are in favor of some machination that will remove her from the comfortable lap of the Church.
They have magic and monsters. They are subtle and patient. And so they slouched to the forgotten structures on the lakebed and began to plot. They've been plotting for years now.


Fish hooks:
-Lady Evica could be a quest-giver even before the party learns of her true nature.
-Fish monsters interrupt your tea party.
-Lady Evica is smitten with one of the PCs. He is bombarded with delicious pies and demidivine affectations.
-Angry wives want their husbands, sons, and fathers back. They may even want to confront Lady Evica, believing her responsible.
-Lady Evica is responsible for the monster-men, and seeks revenge on those who destroyed her lovers.
-The gillmen are responsible for the monster-men, and seek revenge on those who ended their creations' rampages early.
-The gillmen decide to go with the kidnapping plan and infiltrate the sewers of Havenholt with all of their scummy monsters.
-The gillmen succeed in their kidnapping. Either rescue Evica from their clutches (chase down their weird, flooded galleon) or pursue them all the way out into the undersea palace of Dendrola.
-The Church decides that the town's adoration of Evica borders on the heretical, and need your help to smuggle Evica elsewhere.
-The Church decides that Lady Evica's allegiances are in question, and hire you to bring her to the capitol for re-education. She is hiding somewhere in her beloved lake, guarded by fishmen.
-As above, except that you help Lady Evica and her closest friends escape the Church's clutches. Watch out for the Vampire Saint.
-Evica wants to secretly travel to her mothers palace on the bottom of the sea, without the Church or the Gillmen discovering.

Take the mental picture that you have of Lady Evica and run with it.
In my mind, Lady Evica is both naïve and monstrous. I have her in the exact center of the victim/villain/ally triangle. Her relationship with Havenholt is tempered by both narcissism and genuine care. Her relationship with the gillmen, who represent her monstrous legacy, is complicated. Let's not get started on how she feels about her mother, being a very maternal person herself.

Of course, none of these subtleties survive long in a DnD game (and this is probably for the better). I expect her motivations and character will crystallize quickly in play, so just run with it. And she's not so anchored in world lore that you couldn't plop down Havenholt near any body of water and throw a demigoddess among the pews of some other religion. Put a psalm on her lips and some prayer beads between her palms.
Just don't forget where she comes from.

Three Things and How They Died

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1

They filled her mouth with daffodils and cleaned her face of dirt.  They placed her palms together and even retied her shoe.  They hemmed her ragged corners in and closed her misty eyes.  They loomed above her body like mirages, their shoulders pressed against each other, huddled from the cold they no longer felt.

Dismembering and remembering was all that they knew, and those were like nothing at all.

2

The nape of his neck broke the water every four minutes. The seconds in between were filled with constant movement. The ocean's soft suction against his skin. The insistence of the whirlpool, that spun him around to face the black rocks and then the sinking ship and then the black rocks again. The reassuring bump of the sandy bottom that dislodges the harpoon.  He would be here for less than an hour before the slugs found him.  Their barrel mouths would mince him with pinecone monotony.

3

Truly an object, now. Pulled apart and spun like fine flax. A few seconds ago she was an adrenaline respone and inviolate skin and bloody engine, beating faster faster to be this far down. But suddenly seized and teased apart by quantum fingers and the molecular loom. Thus decanted, her fibers were whisked down invisible arterioles. She traveled a hundred miles in every direction at once. Discrete tongues tasted her and, having recognized her, pointed their noses into the ether.

Escape from the Gladiator Pits of the Yoblin Kings

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So it looks like I'm going to be DMing for some first timers, which is fucking awesome. I love introducing people to my hobby. But here's the thing: they want the "traditional DnD experience" which apparently means fighting goblins.

Alright.

I can do that.  I can do goblins.

I can.

But I'm going to use my funky fungal goblins and make it into an introductory dungeon-module-thing.

I'm going to call it Escape from the Gladiator Pits of the Yoblin Kings.

Because you only know the title and you already know what it's all about.

Yoblins were the my very first monster that I ever felt ownership over, so it'll be nice to start the first dungeon with the first monster. They have a wonderful lifecycle:



It's called Escape but really you can either start as (a) gladiator slaves of these horrible fungus fuckers, or (b) you can start on the outside and fight your way into rescue the slaves.  It should work either way.

It's a dual city, split between two tribes of yoblins (and an unaligned witch).

If you start out as slave-gladiators, the game begins in media res, fighting. . . I dunno, psychic porcupines or something. When they get back to their pen, they get to meet their fellow gladiators.

Harmok the Trollslayer is a one-eyed dwarven berserker (F2).  He's well-spoken when resting, but he flips the fuck out in combat and kills everything.  He's even killed allies in this bloodlust.  Despite his uncontrollable battlerages, he's also the only one whose been here more than a month, and he knows his way around.

Yami Yaga is an elven witch (MU1).  She's soft-spoken, languid, probably evil, and obsessively cleans her feet.  She prefers to sit away from the party, and will never consider herself a member of their group.  Around her neck, she wears her dead familiar, a raven.  She has sworn revenge on the yoblins but will not hesitate to abandon or kill the party.

Papon is a Brynthic spearman (F1), braved and bearded and far from home. After he watched all of his spearbrothers die in the arena, there was no one left who spoke his language. This has made him broody.

Stomper, who's real name is Kepler, is really just a boy.  He's not a minute more than 16.  He's a consummate thief (T1).  The yoblins cut off his legs, but they gave him a little cart to wheel himself around on. He cracks a lot of jokes, despite having no legs ("I bet I can do more chinups than you!") and keeps trying to befriend the gloomy Papon.

Anyway, the whole thing takes place during the Festival of False Gods.

Basically, this is just the yoblins throwing a 3 day party while making fun of everyone's gods.  Expect to see comedic retellings of all of the rest of the world's religions.



Anyway, the party can escape whenever they want.

This is because Stomper has already stolen the key to their cell. The only question is when do they want to attempt their break out.

If they attempt their jailbreak immediately, the town will be full of yoblins decorating and moving around.

With every day of the Festival that passes, the goblins will get increasingly drunk and slovenly. Guards will leave their posts to go eat fried rats with their families. Merchants will be less likely to investigate the disappearance of their silk rope.

However, there are also gladiatorial matches every day of the Festival that the players are expected to be a part of. Every day they linger is also a deathmatch that they have to take part of in the yoblin coliseum. If they fight through all three days of the festival, the yoblins will be at the pinnacle of their drunkeness, but that's three potentially deadly fights.

Metagaming, this is my way of asking the players how much they want to balance combat with sneaking around.

The three day festival concludes with the visitation of Fingle, ("All gods are fake, and Fingle is the god of all gods."), who is clearly just a bunch of yoblins in a shoddy costume.  Fingle goes around the crowd, giving his blessings and devouring the unfaithful, who disappear into his muppet-like mouth.

I'll add in some rules for sabotage and subterfuge, even while imprisoned.

The city is called Yakratuga and the two kings are Hodag the Demonslayer and Gorp, Son of Gorp. Hodag is sort of a pissed off cross between a yoblin, a death knight, and Judge Dredd.  Gorp, Son of Gorp, is morbidly obese and doubles in weight every couple of years.  He's also a potent wizard.

The other party in the city is the Hogwitch (who uses undead pigs as spies, by skinning them, filling the skin with explosive gas, and sending the horrible pig balloon to go peek in windows with its stitched-up eyes; and other piggly magic both bilious and vile).



Now I just gotta come up with about 50 locations and all the important NPCs and their little plots and some unique magic items.  Should be a cinch.

I also plan to use a mutant form of this table.

A Perfect Pleasant Pair of Pigs

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Yo, I wrote up some monsters and they're both pigs.  What are the chances?

lookit thiis fool jumpin teh hog all gigglin an shit

Our first beast is not a mammal but a rodent.  Its conical bulk tapers down to a pink, hairless head. Curved yellow incisors lead the face, and lend the animal an untrustworthy look.  It has the proportions of a short-legged dog that has grown fat from stealing milk.  It's paws are heavy and black-nailed.  They have the features of human hands but not the proportions. It's dim eyes are those of a misanthropist, dusty and calloused.  It shuffles through forests, digging up mushrooms, falling asleep in sunny glades, and casually eating baby birds.  Long spines fountain from its backsides, a bristling armory of quills.


something is srsly wrang wid dis pig

Quillypig
HD 2
AC6 [13]
AtkTail Slap +2 (1d6)
Specialquills
Move9
Save16
Morale9

Quills. Whenever you miss it with a (non-reach) melee weapon, you take 1d4 damage.

Psycho Quillypigs are believed to be many magically weaponized animals that the alchemists of Asria have created.  They have a special ability called telespike.  Instead of slapping its prey, it closes its eyes and begins to tremble. This shaking intensifies, and it's quills rattle together like pens in a drawer.  Finally, it squeals.  A thin stream of blood trickles from its eyes, and it teleports one of its spines into its prey. It aims for the heart.  Its target must save or take 1d6 damage with an exploding die (if you roll a 6, keep rolling and adding to the total).  On a successful save, the target takes 1 damage.

a prefucly normal an health pigamaijg
Our next pig has ceased to be.  It is an ex-pig.

Nearly every necromancer that has ever learned to raise a zombie has learned on pigs. Buying several pig corpses is not a suspicious thing. They are large enough to make the inscription of the unholy runes a simple matter, and they remain threatening because of their powerful bite and sturdy frame.  In fact, most necromancers insist that zombie pigs are more valuable than zombie dogs, since the hounds' advantages of speed and keen senses are negated by its new condition.

It was inevitable that further variations on the pig zombie would arise. Once it was skinned, sewn shut, and filled with the lighter-than-air products of decay, it becomes a powerful tool for a witch to spy on others.

Noiselessly drifting up to your second story window, a dead face looks in through sewn-shut eyelids.  Fat cheeks bulge to contain the noxious gases that mingle and commune inside it's body. It sweats a small amount of fluid, a yellow-black gestalt of preservative bile and the dark products of rotting meat.  Black bristles stick out at right angles from a body swollen with swirling plumes of hatred and hellsbreath.

When skulking (and it is always skulking) it sticks to the corners of ceilings and cakes itself with the dirt of its environment.  Its movement is so perfectly silent that often the best indication of its presence is the smell, the unmistakable fetor of decay. Its double-stitched mouth is twisted up in the corners in the smirk of a tattletale, who travels faster when carrying bad news back to its master.

wobblin w/ malefolence
Noxenswine
HD1
AC7 [12]
AtkKick +1 (1d3)
Specialnoxious gas
Move6, fly 6
Save17
Morale11

Noxious Gas.  A noxenswine can vent the stinking miasma that fills it.  If it vents it through its snout, every living thing in a 10' radius must save or become overcome by the stench, and can only vomit for 1d6 rounds, after which they get -2 to hit until they have a chance to rinse out their eyes, mouth, and sinuses.  Alternatively, the noxenswine can vent through its anus, quadrupling it's movement speed for 1 turn and leaving a trail of filthy gas. Pursuers who travel through this gas are affected by the gas as normal.  A noxenswine can use these abilities twice before losing the ability to fly (and cannot vent additional gas, having none).

Variant Noxenswine are known to exist.  Ingenious necromancers and alchemists have devised all sorts of horrible gases to stuff the pigs with.  Some are even explosive.

Point of Narrative Interpretation

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A strange thing happens at the gaming table.

Dice and numbers and intentions resolve to create a narrative. With little more than associated statistics and semi-descriptive mechanics, a group of people mutually decide how imaginary things happen.

It was a major epiphany when I realized how much control I have over that point of translation, when the "hit for 6 damage" turns into "the spike of bone lances out from the narwhal's jaw, impaling the already-bloody cleric."

Not just in description, but in the chains of causation that lead to an attack missing or hitting.


Interpreting the Roll

Here's an example:

A rogue is climbing a wall.  The rogue has +12 on her climb check and the act of climbing the wall is DC 15.  The rogue rolls a 2 on the d20 for a total of 14.  Failure.

This can be described in a couple of ways.

Alice the DM: "You scramble up the wall, but in your haste, your sweaty fingers slip on the rocks and you go crashing to the ground."

Bob the DM: "You expertly scamper up the wall, but a sold-looking stone suddenly betrays you, crumbling and sending you crashing to the ground."

The difference is in WHY the check failed.

There's an assumption here--one that Alice is following--that the wall is constant (because it has a constant DC) and the rogue's climbing is what's variable (because the skill bonus is modulated by a d20 roll).  But that's just mechanical--you can easily switch it up so that the fixed attribute is on the rogue, and the wall is what's variable.

Look at the rogue again.  +12 to climb checks.  That's an expert climber right there. That's not to say that even expert climbers don't make mistakes, but sometimes it's the wall's fault, too.

Bob assigns blame for the failure on the wall (and has the side-effect of making the character not sound like a shitty climber, which may be desirable).  But this is just one way the DM could choose to interpret the die rolls. An old would could have opened up. The character could have suddenly lost their nerve. An enemy could have thrown something.

A couple of these intrude on what the rules "normally say" is possible.

The old would couldn't open up because there's no rule for that, just as there's no rule for losing your nerve while climbing a wall made from mortared skulls.  Enemies can't throw objects on the players turn unless they have a readied action.

But a DM may just choose to sweep all of this under the rug in the name of "flavor".

Postulate: As long as a DM's flavorful descriptions don't change the outcome of the game, they can and should say whatever they want.  In fact, these liberties are part of the DM's job.

I'm of this school of thought.

Of course, if you constantly describe your players as incompetent slobs, they may get sick of your denigrating DMing.  (What is this, Warhammer?)  Likewise, putting words in their character's mouths or assigning them intentions without the player's permission is a no-no.

But everything else can be described as you see fit.

This is harder than it sounds.

It requires you to actually step back and think about what's going on as a whole and then choose the best way to describe it.



Granularity

Don't think that you have to describe it with the granularity of a single dice roll.

Pete succeeds on a to-hit roll.
Alice the DM says, "You swing your axe overhead, knocking aside the yoblin's shoddy shield. . ."
Pete rolls 6 damage.
Alice the DM says, ". . . and your axe cleaves his skull, bursting it like a rotten melon."

Pete rolls to hit, and rolls to do 6 damage.
Bob the DM says, "Your axe shreds the yoblin's shield like cardboard, continuing through to sever two of fingers against a yellow skull and finally bury itself deep in the creature's brain."

Charlie the DM waits for everyone to roll their hits and misses.
Charlie the DM says, "Ollie thrusts his spear straight at the yoblin's heart, but the creature jumps nimbly out of reach.  His attention on Ollie, the yoblin nearly bumps into Pete, who expertly kicks the creature's shield to the side and severs its sallow head with a businesslike swing of his axe.

I'm not proposing that any of these styles of DMing are best.  I'm saying that it behooves DMs to remember that these are all optional ways to flex the DMs duty of description.  In all three cases, the dice rolled the same numbers, but the DM chose different crayons to color the results.

Alice's method of by-the-roll interpretation is a little exaggerated, but this point-by-point description could be beneficial to a first-timer who is still figuring out what each roll is supposed to represent.

Bob's method is a middle ground, and is probably closest to how most of us DM most of the time.

Charlie's method is another extreme, since he waits for all the dice and damage to be settled before describing anything. This creates a disconnect, and probably isn't advisable for groups with short attention spans, but allows the DM to craft a scene with more precision and interpretation, more epic, more dangerous, more whatever.  The DM can also use this method to make players who miss their attacks feel more useful (or less, depending on your intentions).

So next time you DM, consider the actual point where the dice manifest themselves into narrative. Consider what sort of combat you want to evoke (leaping after giant crickets? hammering at the slabs of an earth elemental?) and try other points of narration.

God, that's an ambiguous name for something.  Mechanic/Narration Translation Point?



Which attack was more expertly executed? One that hits by a narrow margin but does 6 damage?  Or one that hits by a large margin but only does 2?

That's your responsibility, DM.

Conditional Initiative

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Hand me my wrench.

Initiative in combat is necessary, because it the order of who-hits-who frequently matter.  It also helps people know when it's their turn and when it's the monsters' turn, so they know whether they should be listening or thinking.

But it leads to some funny situations.  Like if the fighter and ogre both want to charge each other, but the ogre wins initiative, so it charges while the fighter just stands there in the hallway, where he blocks the whole party from entering the room.

I've seen initiative-less systems proposed before, but they seem to have either (a) lots of simultaneous actions, (b) complicated phase mechanics, or (c) initiative based on how description the players gave.

Why not only roll initiative when it matters?  When a player is in conflict with a monster, and not a moment before?



Let's keep it simple and say that a player has two options on their turn.
  1. Do something, then move.
  2. Move, then do something.
An equivalent way to think about this is to describe the turn as two phases, in which you can move or do something, but you cannot "move-move" nor "do-do".

After everyone has declared what they want to do, the DM adjudicates it in the way that makes the most sense, only rolling initiative if there is a conflict.  So, the fighter and the ogre charge each other and meet in the middle of the room.  Then, and only then, does the fighter roll initiative to see if he is faster than the ogre.



Rolling Initiative

Opposed rolls take time. We can simplify and quicken this by hinging the whole thing on a single number on the player's character sheet. For simplicity's sake, let's make this a straightforward d20 roll:

- If you roll under your Dexterity, you act before the opponents.
- If you roll over your Dexterity, your opponents act before you.
- If you roll your Dexterity exactly, then the actions are truly simultaneous.

That's it.  I can think of many ways to elaborate on this, but that'll do for now.


Let's see an example:

Round 1: While sneaking through the filth library of the yoblin khan, the party is surprised by a quartet of the yellow goblinoids.  The yoblins use their surprise round to throw some shit-encrusted javelins at the party.

Round 2: The yoblins look like they're getting ready for a fight (not fleeing) so the players declare what they want to do.  Fighter wants to charge the damn things.  Wizard wants to cast magic missile.  Thief wants to fire his crossbow at them.  Cleric wants to bless himself and then move up behind Fighter.

While Fighter and the yoblins charge at each other, everyone does what they said they wanted to do (fire crossbow, magic missile, bless).  After that little volley, the Fighter rolls his personal initiative to see if he can attack before the yoblins.  Cleric is not a target yet because he's sort of slinking in after Fighter has already locked blades (and the yoblins aren't trying to run past Fighter anyway).

Round 3: The yoblins are trying to circle up around the fighter now, so the players declare what they want to do.  Fighter and Cleric are already in melee, so they want to continue doing that. Rogue wants to join in, and then Wizard doesn't want to do anything except hold his staff in front of him, defensively.

Taking up a defensive stance takes no time at all, so the Wizard gets +2 AC and forfeits the rest of his actions.  Fighter and Cleric each roll initiative to see if they act before the yoblins.  After Fighter, Cleric, and the yoblins have all attacked each other, Thief runs up and swings his little club.

Getting the idea?


Discussion

Personal, conditional initiative has the advantage of getting the players thinking about what sort of actions they want to do right at the start of the turn.  The DM says, "the yoblins look like they're getting ready to fight, what do you want to do?" and they're already up to bat.  No rolling a d6 to see if they can beat the DM, no waiting for your turn to roll around.  

And even if they are doing something automatic, they might still need to roll to see if they get it off in time.  Like, a wizard wants to cast a spell even though an orc is up in his business with a rusty cutlass. Normally, this wouldn't require any rolling on the wizard's part, but now he gets to roll initiative to see if he gets his spell off before getting his liver carved out.

Conditional initiative also lets battles unfold more organically, which makes it well suited for descriptive combat (and less suitable when you are playing on a battlegrid). It avoids the rote mechanical feel of alternating turns, and keeps it keeps some of the swinginess of group initiative (since a lot may depend on whether or not the rogue can drink that potion in time).  And it keeps the players rolling dice.

What about fast or slow monsters? In 3.5, monsters only had initiative modifiers of +2 or +4 or something.  The variance between quick-acting monsters and slow-acting ones is potentially negligible. You could model this with fast monsters giving the player a -4 to their initiative or something, but you'd probably be better off making it universal (i.e. blobs always lose initiative) or just avoiding it all together.

What about if the players want to compete with each other? You could roll initiative and say that whoever rolls under their Dexterity by the most, goes first.  Or everyone could roll d20 + Dexterity and then go in descending order of results.  Both of these are mechanically identical.

Have I ever told you how much I love this picture?
Lots.

Escape from the Gladiator Pits of the Yoblin Kings pt 2

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So I'm about 20% of the way through Escape from the Gladiator Pits of the Yoblin Kings.

That's a completely bullshit statistic, by the way.  I have no idea how much work is ahead of me.  I plan on five sections:

Wartooth and Wallow, the yoblin towns (where the gladiator arena is).
The Rancid Ravine (thermal vents, bridges, scum farms, and the Hogwitch).
The Goblin Warrens (razed/collapsed by the yoblins = traps and goblin zombies).
The Cold Creek Coal Mine (formerly a demilitarized zone between goblins and humans).
Apple Creek, the human settlement = safety

They're all connected linearly, with the dungeon section [bracketed].
Humans - [Mine - Warrens - Ravine] - Yoblins

It's sort an inverted dungeon, since the party is starting on the bottom floor and trying to escape.  In some cases it might be to their advantage to push onwards and hope they reach the human town (where they will be greeted with blankets and cocoa) rather than go back to the yoblin town.

Ways to escape the yoblins:
- Escape out the Coal Mine and walk 20 miles to the human town (expected).
- Buy your freedom with loot from the Goblin Warrens.
- Fight through the yoblin gatehouse/palace and out the front door (closed for the winter).
- Sneak out the gatehouse/palace in the spring, after months of muddy gladiatorship.
- Climb 10,000 feet up the inside of Mt. Yakratuga's caldera (it's mostly vertical).

Note to self: make a table for gladiator plots in case the players just love being gladiators.

Note to self: make rules for climbing out of the caldera and encounters for the outside.

Note to self: throw in a yoblin inventor with a hot air balloon because fuck yeah.

I still have hope that it can be used as a reversible dungeon, where delvers can enter from the civilization-side entrance, as is traditional.

This is totally how dormant volcanoes work.


Honestly, I'm probably being way too ambitious.  That's okay.  I'll just bang at it until it resembles something playable.

The cities will be super generalized, just encounters, hooks, and a few notable buildings (Vornheim style).  The 3 dungeon sections will have about 150 locations, of which I have ~20 written (but not placed).

Here's the top of the Ravine, unkeyed.  The Giant's Highway leads east, back to the yoblin towns, and the doors to the Goblin Ruins are in the northwest (red arrows).  You can see some of the bridges here.

maybe you can't tell from the scale, but these rooms are HUGE

In the middle of the ravine, you can see more bridges.

most caverns on the middle floor are tighter

And at the bottom, you can see the Hogwitch's house. (She lives in a titan skull, but everyone just calls it a giant skull, since giants haven't been here for hundreds of years, and titans, millenia.)

the stalagmite-filled floor of the ravine has been flooded like a subterranean rice paddy

Aaaand stick 'em together. . .

lookit all the bridges!

There's 60 locations here that will need to be keyed.  I guess that's a lot for what isn't even in the "dungeon proper", but nearly all of it is skippable.  If the party knows where they are going or are completely incurious, they can get through into the goblin ruins in about 10 rooms.  If they hire some yoblins to repair the road (NW side of the ravine, top level), they can walk straight into the ruins and skip the ravine entirely.

Tubular Peacock

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West of the Yoblin Kings, there is the Rancid Ravine, a big, ancient canyon-cave.  Shovelheads hunt glowbats n the stony ceiling, and the mushroom paddies grow among the flooded stalagmites of the ravine floor. Half a dozen rope bridges criss-cross this canyon, clinging precipitously to the walls of the cavern. Sulphur vents in the south pump bacteria-rich sludge into the cavern, providing a valuable influx of biomass. Clouds of minuscule saltflies buzz over this nutrient-rich slime, ignoring all other creatures.

It has a few secrets and a lot of wildlife, some of which can be found nowhere else in the world. One of these rare creatures is the Tubular Peacock.

Tubular Peacocks are descendants of marine slugs.  They have a tubular head that bifurcates into a pair of body-coils.  It grows in a spiral, like a snail. Among other things, this means that its two anuses exit onto the sides of its body.

It eats by swallowing a tubefull of bacterial sludge, filtering it, and then vomiting the non-biotic elements back out. It is also one of the few creatures that can safely eat green slime, which it relishes.

Like peacocks, the males are garish and extremely territorial while the females are dun and shy.  The males trumpet sonorously (a bit like roosters), and their calls are a familiar elements of certain underground biomes, such as sulphur vents and thermal muds.

Its tiny eyes are atop soft, horn-like stalks, and each half of its body is ringed with long, hydrostatic stalks that look a bit like wings, which it uses to swim atop water like a weird-ass duck.  The only real endoskeleton it possesses in its hips and legs, which are analogous to a heron's.  Each leg is tipped with two soft "fingers" and a single, calcified claw. The razor-sharp 5" claw has disemboweled many unwary adventurers, and they are commonly made itno daggers among subterranean dwellers.

The males' brightly colored bodies (there are several different phenotypes) and are frequenly made into garish hats.  And of course, the creature is sometimes made into bags that can be used to safely transport green slime (though it loses this ability in only a few months).



Tubular Peacock
HD2
AC6 [13]
Atktoe scythe +2 (1d6)
Specialbarf
Move15
Save15
Morale10

Barf. Once per day, a peacock can vomit in in a target's face as a ranged attack, causing pain and blindness until you take an action to wipe off the crud (usually a mixture of bacterial sludge and gritty silt). If encountered in its native habitat (underground), there is a 2-in-6 chance that its stomach contents include green slime, which adds to the barf's effects.

Female Tubular Peacocks have the same stats as the males.  However, they have morale 8 (unless they are protecting their nest) and likely to hide/flee when encountered (unlike the makes, who are extremely aggressive).



Green Slime
Green slime is an immobile green slime that is found on subterranean surfaces. It devours both plant and flesh with terrifying alacrity, and even a few drops can liquify an adult human in seconds.  This process creates a lot of waste products, but also a fresh crop of green slime.  It can crawl a few inches per minute, seeking food. It is fond of ceilings, where it can sense animals beneath it and then drop down.  It is instantly destroyed by bright light and fire.

Green slime does 1 damage per HD per round of exposure. This continues until you are devoured or until you spend an action scraping off the carnivorous ooze, which only succeeds if you roll under you Constitution. Using large amounts of water gives a bonus on this check, and sticking the affected limb in a fire automatically succeeds.

One of the few things that can be used to safely transport green slime is glass bottles with finely ground glass stoppers. Possession of green slime in civilized areas is usually a capitol offense.

Drugsdrugsdrugs

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We've all what a terrible thing unmitigated addiction can be, and have seen lives and bodies scarred by substance abuse.  In fantasy games, drugs are usually magnified, which makes for some powerfully negative side effects to addiction.

So, it's tough to get players to use a lot of drugs.

My solution is to make drugs powerfully useful. I intend to make drugs shoulder some (all?) of the duties that potions normally bear.

Scrap did some cool drugs, once.

Here's my take on the matter. It's not very realistic, but whatever.

Drug Rules

Here's the big idea: you're on a track for drugs.  It looks like this:

Clean - Habituated - Addicted - Dependent

At the end of every week in which you used the drug, roll under Wis or go up a step in the Addiction track.

Clean: Means you are completely drug free.

Habituated: You don't need to use the drug, and you can quit whenever you want.  You get +2 to Save vs Side Effects and Overdose.

Addicted: You need to use the normal amount of the drug (either 1/day or 1/3 days, use your best judgement for each drug).  You get +4 to Save vs Side Effects and Overdose.

Dependent:  You use the drug 3x as much as the average user, and need 3x as much to get an effect.  You get +6 to Side Effects and Overdose.  You get -6 to Relapse and Withdrawal checks.  You'll have an extremely hard time quitting without help (or necessity).

Quitting is automatic if you are only Habituated, but otherwise there are 2 steps. You can attempt this 1/week, and it can move you back a step on the addiction track if you succeed.
  1. Relapse: Roll under Wisdom to see if you can resist taking drugs this week. If you are unable to get drugs despite your best efforts, you also go to step 2.
  2. Withdrawal: Roll under Constitution to see if you go into withdrawal.  If you feel yourself going into withdrawal, you can always use some more of the drug to avoid it.
  3. Congrats! You move back a step on the addiction track.
Overdose: If you get drugs from a sketchy source or consume them in a sketchy way, there is a 1-in-20 chance to overdose.  Pretty much all sources are sketchy sources when you first meet them, but they become trustworthy over time.  You can also overdose intentionally.

And don't forget why you took the drug in the first place.

Main Effects: This is why.

Side Effects: Roll under your Con to avoid these.  You cannot choose to fail this (always roll it).

Drugs are honestly pretty hard to make succinct rules for.  You got addiction, withdrawals, relapses, overdoses, side effects, infected needles, etc. 

Price assumes a silver standard.






    Non-Magical Drugs





    Dagra Wood is for dragons.
    a.k.a. Dragonsbane, Firewood

    In the swamps west of the mountains, you'll find squat, barrelchested trees that always grow alone.  These trees are called Black Dagras, and they are beloved by dragons. When the wood is dried and roasted, it emits an odor that is pleasing to dragons.  When it is scratched and inhaled, the resultant dust causes a certain euphoria to grip the dragon.  They describe the sensation as feelings of warmth, heaviness, and giddiness.

    In the wild, dragons will rub their snouts on the trees, eventually grinding the black dagras into sawdust and spending afternoons coiled around the tree, sleeping. These are popular spots for ambushing dragons, and so the great beasts are often very cautious when approaching, and take other measures besides.  They are no fools.

    In the cities, urbanized dragons buy the things by the pallet. Cushions are filled with dagra shavings, and some dragons have dagra posts installed inside their houses that they rub their snouts against. A smooth, polished nose is a sure sign that a dragon has been indulging in a significant amount of dagra. It has a connotation of being a crutch for soft and pampered dragons (with the accusation often coming from their wilder counterparts) and most urban dragons will deny or downplay their usage.

    Main Effect: Temporarily suspends any negative emotions and allows for restful sleep.

    Addiction: None.

    Overdose: Deep sleep for 3d6 minutes.  Exceptionally brave thieves have engineered this by blowing a tube full of dagra shavings directly up a dragon's nose.  This is foolish, since it takes 1d6 rounds for the overdose to kick in.



    Delago is for farmers.
    a.k.a. Bug, Racky-Tam, Twigfellow, Vine

    In some parts of the world, this creeping vine is the most abundant crop.  It's ragged fans of pale green leaves are a common sight in many farms, where it is air-cured in open barns or fire-cured over smoldering hardwood fires.  It relaxes the nerves and allows for easier concentration.  Habitually smoking it will eventually bleach your teeth a dazzling shade of white.

    It is common in pipes and in hookahs (when mixed with fruit pulp) and is sold is pouches of shredded leaf. When it is rolled into a papyrus cigarette, it is called a pick and is associated with criminals (pipes are associated with wizards). Picks are usually sold in tightly wound bundles, and sometimes come in useful when you need to light something on fire.

    Certain wizards prize this leaf above all others.  They call it racky-tam and enchant their pipes the same way other wizards enchant their staffs. These wizards are called ringmages, after the smoke rings they blow, and they are known for their wisdom, childishness, and secret traditions.

    Price: 1s for 20 cigarettes or 30 bowls-worth or shredded delago.

    Effect: +2 to save against fear and inhaled poisons. Also makes you look cool.

    Addiction: None

    Overdose: Nausea and headache.  -1 to hit for 4 hours.




    Delobia/Delgum

    a.k.a. Bodice-ripper (delobia), Bonce (delobia), Mortar (delgum), Macky (delgum)

    Delago is sometimes concentrated into a thick brown paste called delobia, which as much the same effects but in a much more concentrated form.  It burns at a hotter tempurature, and so can only be smoked from very long pipes (up to 3 feet!) to avoid burning the mouth/lungs.  It is also sometimes mixed with gum and sugar and then held in the mouth against the gums; this form is called delgum, which causes gums to darken and skin to break out in freckles. Habitual users have tons of freckles.

    Price: 2s per dose.

    Main Effect: +4 to save against fear, +2 to save against negative emotion-based effects, including pain.

    Addiction: Immune to positive emotion-based effects, including inspiration and high morale.

    Dependence: Cumulative -1 to all initiative checks.  Slow speech.  Apathy.

    Withdrawal: You are bedridden with nausea and nightmares for 1d6 days if you fail a save, or merely 1 day if you pass it.

    Overdose: Screaming, seizures, cardiac arrest.  Easy save (at +2) or die.




    Doglands Lotus is for the decadent.
    a.k.a. Lady Pillows

    This big, pillowy lotuses are actually a type of cactus fruit.  It just happens to resemble a pale yellow lotus. They grow in only one place: the Lotus Mounds of the Doglands.  These are big, domed colonies of communal cacti with their own ecosystems. The narrow, spiked pathways that wind through the interior are home to the lotus wives, who are nourished by the lotuses. Since harvesting them always involves encountering the lotus wives, and encountering the lotus wives always involves risking the Dog King's wrath, the lotuses fetch an appropriately high fee.

    A dose is a single, succulent lotus. The juicy "petals" are plucked and eaten like an artichoke. The crisp skin of the lotus holds a sweet, pinkish pulp. After ingestion, the user feels a surge of confidence and libido. Habitual usage eventually turns the hands and feet purple, as if stained by raspberry juice, starting with the areas around the finger- and toenails. These areas of purple skin are permanent.  Normal skin tone can be regained with dyes and bleaches, but the purple will return. People usually cover up their purple extremities, but they can be a point of pride among certain communities.

    Price: 15s per lotus.

    Main Effect: +1 to attacks, damage, and saves. +2 on Charisma checks.  Lasts 1 hour.

    Side Effect: You blush at the drop of a hat.

    Addiction: Whenever you take damage, you don't find out how much damage it was until the beginning of your next turn. This doesn't allow you to keep fighting longer than would normally be possible--it merely delays the pain response for a few seconds.  You have a harder time planning ahead, since you don't know how much damage you took last turn until after you declare actions for this turn.  You might declare actions at the start of a turn and then drop dead when you actually attempt to take actions.

    Dependence: Make a save every week or else you will abandon all of you other goals to pursue eating lotuses full time. This usually involves traveling to the Doglands (where lotuses grow on trees!). This usually involves the character becoming an NPC.

    Withdrawal: Inconsolable depression for 1d3 days.  Weeping, uncontrolled sobbing, everything upsets you, usually towards sadness (but sometimes towards irritability).  You get -1 to all attacks, damage, and saves, and -6 to Charisma checks. You need to save each day or else you refuse to get out of bed.

    Overdose: Unconscious for 1d20 hours, then make a save.  If this save is failed, the coma continues for another 1d20 days (possible to die of dehydration). Then another save is required.  If this second save is failed, the coma is permanent.



    Jopeth is for the rich.
    a.k.a. Stickler, King's Lunch, Modern Panther

    Jopeth is made from the spines of an eel.  Actually, that's false, it is literally the spine of an eel with all the flesh removed and stored in a tiny barrel of brine.  They're about 1'-2' long and have a long, visible stinger at the end that the eels use to paralyze their prey and rich people use to get high.

    Everything looks bright, everything sounds loud (not in an unpleasant way) but you have a hard time distinguishing dull orange from bright orange.  You also have a hard time telling apart a whisper from a shout.

    Price: Average of 50s per spine.  Each spine holds a number of doses proportionate to its size (2d4) which theoretically corresponds to cost.

    Main Effect: You gain 1d6 temporary HP.  These are like hit points that are damaged before normal hit points.  They never last more than 1 hour, and they never stack with other temporary hit points.  You also see faces in clouds (vivid ones), hear voices on the wind, and find meaning where there is none.

    Addiction: You automatically fail all saves against illusions. You are an unreliable watchman due to the number of false alarms.  On the plus side, nothing seems surprising or shocking anymore.

    Dependence: All healing from magic, booze, and inspiration is reduced by 1 HP (stacks up to -3 HP).  Your max HP is also 1 point higher.

    Withdrawal: 1d6 hours of vomiting, which reduces your HP to 0.  For the next 1d3 days, you cannot raise your HP above half.

    Overdose: Paralysis for 3d6 hours and the effects of Addiction are permanent.  EVERYTHING IS REAL.


    unrelated
    Hensetta is for wizards. (don't lose spells)
    a.k.a. Chicken Poof, Wizard Shit, Goblin Dust

    Harvested from a certain kind of mat-forming algae that grows on the ultra-saline Saltsea, Hensetta is ground up into a paste, which is then made into spherical lozenges, which are then wrapped in fragrant leaves and then swallowed.  It gives the user laser-like focus on what you are doing, but blinds them to peripheral concerns. It'll also fuck up your kidneys after a few years of usage.

    Still the stuff is popular among wizards (it "steadies their minds") and archers (it "steadies their hands").

    Price: 5s per ball.

    Main Effect: If a wizard is struck by an opponent while casting a spell, there is only a 25% chance of losing the spell (instead of 100%). All attack-roll penalties due to movement, cover, and dim light (but not total darkness) are halved.

    Side Effect: You never notice anything except things that are supremely obvious. You are always surprised in combat if the enemy approaches from a direction that you were looking at. You are horrible at conversations, since you are unable to think about anything except what you are already talking about, with tedious precision.

    Addiction: It takes you an extra round to rouse yourself from sleep. Eating meat makes you horribly ill.

    Dependence: You lose the ability to count objects higher than 3.  You can still do math just fine.

    Withdrawal: The world confuses and alarms you, and you get -1 to attack rolls for a day.

    Overdose: Become so focused on objects in your surroundings that you are unable to focus on other things.  You might start focusing on a glass of water and become trapped in a cycle of horrible hyper-focus, unable to look away or even think about anything except the glass of water.  You forget that things exist that aren't glasses of water.  As paralysis for 2d6 hours.



    Talakeshi Jelly is for thugs.
    a.k.a. Thrum, Ambrosia, Jackal Jism

    It varies in color from red to orange to pink.  It is sold in little tins (like lip balm) that are usually stamped with the colorful design of the manufacturer.  It can be absorbed in all sorts of way.  Some people rub it in their eyes, others put it in their rectum or vagina (where it is absorbed through the mucus membrane), and others will rub it in a wound or skinless patch.  It can be eaten, but since this dulls the effects, only newbies ever eat it.

    It is beloved by soldiers and pit fighters. Asria actually experimented with giving it to all of their royal guards, but discontinued after a number of incidents of violent psychosis. Still, it is very popular among those who fight for a living, and is extremely common in some neighborhoods, with certain street gangs taking large doses every night to prepare themselves for any ultraviolence.

    Price: 5s a dose.

    Main Effect: You get +4 to all initiative checks for the next 4 hours.  (If using my system, treat your Dex as 4 points higher when rolling for initiative, max 18).  (If you don't use individual initiative, give them +1 to hit with all Str-based attack rolls).

    Side Effect: Tremors cause you to get -1 to all Dex-based attack rolls.

    Addiction: You eat twice as much as normal.  You are always sweaty, and your skin is fever hot.  Your heartbeat is terrifying fast, and you can't help but lose weight down to the level of "thin".  If something causes you to go insane at this point, it will always take the form of murderous psychosis.  (Jelly will not drive you insane on its own.)

    Abuse: You get another +4 to all initiative checks (+10 total) and +1 to all Str-based attack rolls, and eat three times as much as normal.  You lose weight down to the level of "morbid anorexia".

    Withdrawal: 25% chance of horrible diarrhea for 24 hours.

    Overdose: Intense, whole body tetanus.  All the muscles clench tighter than you would have thought possible.  Teeth crack against each other, biceps tear themselves off their tendons, and abdominal muscles contract until the viscera are ejected out the anus. Understandably, stronger creatures are more at risk. Roll OVER your Strength score to survive.  Failure indicates that you have snapped your own neck or back and died horribly.  Success means cracked teeth and agonized muscles. -2 to all attack and Con checks for 1 week.



    Mevverwen
    a.k.a. Hammer, Honesty's Antidote, and Brain Polish

    Usually distributed in narrow bamboo tubes, about 1' long.  Mevverwen can be snorted by yourself, but the preferred method of usage is for a friend to blow the contents of the tube directly up the nostril of a the user.

    The tube contains a powder made from a rare type of sky-kelp that grows in the Sea of Sartoga.  It is harvested by men on canoes who sneak up on the kelp (if the kelp noticed them, it would deflate its balloon sacks and retract itself beneath the water.  One man jumps on the kelp while another man prepares to cut the balloon sack off.  The kelp resents this attack, and will withdraw it's length beneath the water, carrying the kelp-diver with it.  The men on the surface try to cut as many of the balloons off as they can while the diver tries to stay down as long as he can, and then cut as much kelp as possible from the anchor.  If successful, the kelp-hunters will get 50' or more of slimy, fibrous kelp. It's dangerous work, since the Sea of Sartoga has hundreds of weird, deadly types of sharks.

    It's popular among burnouts

    Price: 25s a dose.

    Main Effect: You will absolutely forget the last 30 seconds and instead be filled with a mild, dopey euphoria.  If you saw something horrible in that time, you will forget it (and this can be used to negate any insanity points you might have gained).  If some major change occurred to your brain in that time (insanity, charm, mind control), there is a 50% chance that it doesn't "stick".

    If someone blows it up your nose while you are inhaling you get no save.  If you merely snort it by yourself or if someone merely blows it in your face, you MUST make a save to negate the effects.

    Addiction: You get -10% XP from all rewards, as you forget a lot what you experience.

    Abuse: You lose 100xp per week and forget everyone's names. You no longer gain insanity points and any permanent changes to your psyche are negated. Traumatic events are automatically blocked out.

    Withdrawal: Insight into the underlying secrets of the universe cause madness.  You gain some insanity points (if your system uses them) or you have a 25% chance to go insane (if your system doesn't).

    Overdose: Total amnesia.  You forget your name and your history.  And then make a save, and if you fail, you lose a level and make another save, with another chance of losing a level, and so on, and so on.

    Note: If the party wants to abuse this drug (and they should)  by blowing this stuff in the faces of guards so that they forget the last 30 seconds, it will totally work, but then the guard will be walking around with a shit-eating grin on his powder-covered face.  Someone may notice (unless you wipe it off somehow).






    This post actually ended up being a lot more work than I thought.  I'll do 5-7 magic drugs in a later post.

    Down, down, to Yoblin Town

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    things you should know about yoblin biology
    1. they are born from mushrooms (yoblin mamas)
      1. they are all male, nearly identical, and confused by vaginas
    2. they constantly shed spores to make more yoblin mamas
    3. they eat yoblin mamas when the find them
    4. there are still so many of these fucking mushrooms that yoblins are constantly spawning
    5. baby yoblins occupy the exact same ecological niche as rats
    6. everyone hates baby yoblins
    7. they are immune to disease
    things you should know about yoblin culture
    1. filthiness is next to godliness
    2. trash is wealth
    3. yoblins are terrified of baths
    4. the richest yoblins live in the most squalor
    5. the poorest yoblins live up higher, and are forced to use cleaner, upstream water
    6. the lowest (most affluent) parts of yoblin cities are cesspools called "filth libraries"
    things you should know about yoblin dreams
    1. they all dream of the wizard who stamped himself on their dna
    2. they expect his return any day now



    1-10 shitty neighborhood
    11-20 middle class neighborhood
    21-30 high class neighboorhood
    you can also roll a d20 + whatever to figure out neighborhoods that are both

    30 exteriors
    1. flies
    2. stink cloud
    3. pool of muddy water
    4. entire front faces of house crumbling away
    5. giant hole dug in the street
    6. poorly disguised pit trap in front of door (spikes on bottom)
    7. signs of rockfall (from 10,000' above)
    8. graffiti (“When I find the clean bastard who stole my poop I'll eat his eyes.”)
    9. graffiti (“Long live the gladiators!”)
    10. graffiti (“I waited for you for 2 hours. It's in the outhouse.")
    11. broken masonry
    12. dead cats hang from wall
    13. baby yoblins in cages
    14. mushroom infestation (1d6 rabid baby yoblins)
    15. diseased, leering goat (it bites) tied up
    16. mangy dog alternatively snaps at you and chews its own tail
    17. door half-buried in mud outside
    18. graffiti (“Skree has a mother and never farts.”)
    19. graffiti (“This is not Mungo's house.”)
    20. graffiti (“Vandalism enriches our neighborhoods.”)
    21. cleanly picked yoblin bones
    22. outdoor compost heap, crawling with worms and baby yoblins
    23. window planter boxes filled with vomit
    24. unfashionably tidy pile of excrement
    25. emaciated, cow tied up out front, driven omnivorous from hunger
    26. very fashionable open cesspool, 1d3 jealous neighbors standing around
    27. pile of dead animals with 1d6 young yoblins playing on it
    28. graffiti (“Stop stealing my precious filth, you assholes.”)
    29. graffiti (“[illegible] builds strong bones. I eat it every day.”)
    30. graffiti (“Throw the king in the arena!”)



    30 interiors (75% chance of being home)
    You can also mix-and-match by rolling for contents and goblins separately
    1. filled with broken glass and torn paper (goblin with bloody feet warns visitors away)
    2. pile of boxes has collapsed (trapping 1d3 panicked goblins inside)
    3. flat stone doubles as bed and table (1d4 goblins passed out in a pile of their own vomit)
    4. furniture pushed to wall, floor covered in oil (1d3+1 goblins fighting over a dead goat)
    5. mildewed books, 10% of a usable spellbook (goblin taking a huge shit in the corner)
    6. filled with rubble and sticks, hole in wall to neighbor's (1d3 goblins repairing it)
    7. stacked floor to ceiling with old shoes, clothing, dirt (1d3 goblins buying/selling clothes)
    8. entire floor in just a compost heap (1d2 goblins trawling for bugs and slugs)
    9. infested with yoblin mamas and broken furniture (1d6 rabid baby yoblins eating adult inside)
    10. filled with 100s of rocks (1d6 yoblins fighting over living arrangements)
    11. bookcase filled with poops block the door (3 HD carrion crawler eating a goblin inside)
    12. butcher shop, 2d6 fried things-on-a-stick: baby goblins, rats (1d3 beefy, blood-covered goblins)
    13. somehow dragged a statue in here, now sinking in mud (1d6 goblins fretting about statue)
    14. stool, three legged table, fly-covered “salad” (1 goblin face down in his dinner, unmoving)
    15. decorative plates caked with fashionable vomit (1d3 goblins ganging up on a smaller one)
    16. featherless, eyeless cave chickens (1 obese goblin farts loudly from hidden interior)
    17. moldy pillows, blankets, dozens of calendars (2d6 goblins sleeping in a heap)
    18. home made hot tub: fire, mud, water, "hot dogs", buckets (1d6 goblins partying)
    19. plow, 3 dog cages, rotting cabbages, dead horse (1d6 goblins beating horse with sticks)
    20. piles of rotten lumber (1d4 goblins freaking out about 1 HD spider hidden somewhere in room)
    21. round mounds of purple mud, sculpted and smoothed (fat goblin being dressed by 1d4 minions)
    22. broken chairs, pile of candlesticks, pile of doorknobs (1d4 mercenaries playing cards)
    23. stacks of well-cut bricks, kiln, smoke, stench (1d3 poopsmiths making bricks)
    24. benches, cauldron, stinking plumes of gas (1d3 filth masters experimenting with “ultimate filth”)
    25. table with ravine flowers, upside-down painting (1d3 goblins buried up to necks, apologizing)
    26. stacks of dead animals (1d3 grimacing goblins “making leather” by pissing on skins)
    27. mushroom grows from dead shaman, fetishes, dreamcatchers (1d2 shamans attending to corpse)
    28. idol of vega, filthy mushrooms growing from rug (1d2 priests intoning the liturgies)
    29. stone walls covered in chalk, calculations, table w/ bricks (1d2 bespectacles engineer-goblins)
    30. roll 3x for contents (filth merchant counts his money (5d6s) while 1d6 guards eat potatoes)


    30 Yoblins

    If you are clever, you can also use this table as Name - Occupation - Personality - Inventory.  If you are killing random yoblins and taking their stuff, be sure to add 1d6-3 shit-smeared copper coins to each inventory.
    1. Twisp the poop scooper (rudely idiotic) – scoop, shovel, poop
    2. Rikko the rat tamer (staring, crawly) – wheel of cheese, pocket rat, towel
    3. Scormie the beggar (pathetic, sniveling) – crutch, save vs disease if he touches you
    4. Mungo the braggart (fat, bragging, confrontational) – cudgel, metal helmet, 2d6 friends
    5. Other Mungo the scrounger (lisp, bad leg) – scrap wagon, visible parasites, walking stick
    6. Totter the assassin (friendly, oily) – poisoned dagger, list with 8 names (3 crossed off)
    7. Scorp the thief (imbecilic, greedy) – pointlessly poisoned club, 6 crossbow bolts, nose ring
    8. Tergul the thief (imbecilic, greedy) – bag of caltrops, shit-caked dagger, hatred of Scorp
    9. Wriggy the plague bearer (diseased, grateful) – rags, knife, save vs disease if he touches you
    10. Mimasha the mud kicker (stupid, focused on her job) extra boots, map of the streets
    11. Torga the mud-pounder (delusional, terrified) – big hammer, several hernias, map of uneven roads
    12. Lunlu the baby catcher (stern, stupid) – net, knife, bag of baby yoblins
    13. Ubu the guard (belligerent, snoopy) – rusty halberd, bag of onions
    14. Ringro the ravine hunter (buff, paranoid) crossbow, rapier, volkergogs (goggles)
    15. Yeek the rag-stitcher (miserable, self-loathing, complains) rags, needle, thread, bread
    16. Norom the fisherman (cretinous, gullible) fishing pole, pointy hat
    17. Skree the lookout (always shouting, dumb) some string, piece of chocolate, piece of poop
    18. Togglo the shoe gluer (humble, mumbling) – bucket of paste, pig leathers, spade
    19. Yamek the shit-stirrer (intent, honest) – long paddle, waders, bottle of urine
    20. Raklo the thief (smug, curious) – 1 gold coin, big bag of poop
    21. Ulan the shaman (wise, greedy, smelly) bag of various skulls, gold piercings, shoddy tetsubo
    22. Imhoto the filth librarian (bitemarks, twitchy) net, book of nursery rhymes, flask of whiskey
    23. Pombo the idolator (desperate, foolish) 3 idols of human gods, map of surrounding area
    24. Ijit the foodmaker (smug, loves gladiators) 2 live cave chickens hanging from belt, bag of snails
    25. Blarg the gigolo (oiled up, slippery) bag of rat oil, lipstick, 25' of rope
    26. Shumlee the bartender (scornful, itchy) bottle of brandy, hangover, book of forbidden lore
    27. Mortim the dung cobbler (resigned, sarcastic) gigantic bag of dung, trowel
    28. Mork the inventor (shrieking, excitable, curious) – flask of oil, corkscrew, balloon
    29. Horko the watchman (sly, actually sort of smart) – garrote, 2 knives, poorly drawn porno
    30. Chukko the thief (greedy, ambitious) lockpicks, bottle of very good wine, extra money
    this castle is 90% yoblin dung

    40% completed? can I make up statistics like that?



    takes 2 to tango


    Running Through Yoblintown While Caked In Feces

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    This is Wallow, a.k.a. Yoblintown.  It sits in the belly of a caldera, while an open sky peeks in over the 10,000' vertical feet of stone.  All of the city's filth and wealth trickles down the spiral streets, which are build like open gutters, so that the city's wealthiest can hoard the sludge and garbage that they value.

    I added the scum farms--plenty of human slaves there.
    When running it for a bunch of first-timers, I built an encounter map.  Basically, whenever the party runs over a dot, roll a d6 (1 combat encounter, 2 grey area, 3 non-combat encounter, 4+ nothin' outside the usual).

    If they know where they are and where they are going, I can just look, count 8 dots between the arena and the marketplace, and roll 8d6 all at once, meshing the encounters with the environment (and each other, the dice are touching or if the themes fit).

    Honestly, I just eyeballed it.  Counting dots ain't fun.


    Want to climb up/down the cliffs? 50% chance there's a visible ladder or path.  Otherwise, keep moving or risk climbing a 30' wall of mud.

    Want to know where you are on the non-detailed map?  Make an Int check to figure out your position based on mud cliffs and stalactite landmarks.

    If the party is walking through the street, they get street encounters.  If they're climbing through houses and across rooftops, they get building encounters.  The different neighborhoods have slightly different sets of potential encounters (like the richer neighborhoods on the bottoms of the spirals have slightly fewer thieves and cutthroats than the upper ones).  A few named NPCs have houses in certain neighborhoods, as well.

    A few important buildings have floorplans (once I get around to drawing them) but most don't. Random encounter tables do all of the heavy lifting.  That's pretty much it.

    Running it was a very liberating experience for me as a DM. (I had never run a session with so little plot and without a single floorplan.)  It felt like I was playing a game instead of just referreeing one.

    This is a slightly modified version of the sheet I gave my players.


    I put this here in the hopes that it will benefit other experienced DMs who want a minimalist packet they can use to introduce new players to a retroclone of their choice.

    NOTE: I made saving throws a roll-under mechanic to bring it more in line with the roll-under mechanics that ability checks that players will be making (roll under Dexterity to succeed).  I also added a rule of "holding a weapon gives you +1 AC" which might help with survivability a little.  I did not add anything about more generous stat generation, but if they are total newbies and you want them to have a fun time, consider letting them roll 4d6-drop-low for stats.




    The House of Hours

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    +Scrap Princess wrote a very excellent list of random things:
    This list of random things was so excellently put together that I looked at it and was FUCKING INSPIRED to turn it into a dungeon of random things.
    Originally, I wanted to crowdsource it, but then I realized (a) there probably aren't enough people reading my blog and (b) I really wanted to see if I could do it.
    So, here is THE HOUSE OF HOURS, a.k.a. SCRAP CASTLE



    I wrote 80 rooms before I had anything resembling a plot. So, it understandably looks pretty random.  Right at the end I though of a unifying theme, and retconned it in.
    Hook: There's a town and they're freaking out because the hospital on the outskirts of town has suddenly bricked itself up and no one is answering the door. What's more, the hospital is now CREEPING LIKE A SPEEDY GLACIER towards the town, knocking over birds' nests. Also, it spawns weird Freudian psychosexual monsters. When the players get there, they see that things have gotten worse, and the hospital is now an upside-down castle surrounded by a ring of fire.
    Hook2: Upside-down castle surrounded by a ring of fire and it's probably full of treasure.
    Factions in the Dungeon: Plague Ghouls and Bee People (but there's also a few wizards, 2 liches, and the Baker)

    Layout: The dungeon connects to it's own demiplane, so the dungeon has it's own private outdoors. This outdoors-inside-the-indoors is called the Moor, and you get there by going through doors on the inside of the dungeon, which then exits you into the Field of Hours, where you usually exit through a number of quaint little shops and cobblestone streets, surrounded by a huge moor that also has a small swamp. It's always twilight, with a big moon in the sky and the sun just below the horizon. (This section is probably going to have to be a mini-outdoor adventure, but it's bounded so if you ride away from the town you just end up approaching it from the other side.)
    From the Moor you can also summon the Bog Giant, who contains the “real” hospital in his belly, which is like this indoor dungeon inside the outdoor dungeon inside the indoor dungeon that you thought you were going inside of the first time.


    THE HOUSE OF HOURS a.k.a. SCRAP CASTLE
    Note 1: All elderly people in the dungeon will be able to see the stormclouds in #75. It's sort of “beside” normal vision, so it doesn't interfere with your perception none. However, whenever the DM rolls for a random encounter, there is a 90% chance that the elderly people in the party will see lightning and hear thunder, potentially giving them advance warning if they can figure it out.
    Note 2: The echo chamber (#84) will repeat the things that the party has said when they enter the dungeon. You may wish to write down fragments of phrases that PCs say while in the dungeon. Or not, you know, and just rely on your memory.
    Note 3: Rooms #6, #61, and #89 all have big round mirrors on the floors. These are portals. Each of these three rooms has a different set of items arranged around the portals (candles, pyramids, and lilies) that function as BOTH keys to the room and batteries for the portal it contains. 16 keys equals a full complement. If a key to a room is placed in the center of a mirror, the mirror will become a portal to the room that the key is linked to. If you ever create a portal to a room that has less than 12 keys arranged around it, there is an X-in-12 chance of a teleportation mishap, where X equals the number of remaining keys around the portal (use your favorite mishap table). Example: Alice goes to room #89 where there are 16 lilies arranged around a mirror. She puts a candle from room #6 in the center of the mirror, which then opens up a portal to room #6. Stepping through the portal, she has only a 10-in-12 chance of arriving safely, since room #6 has only 10 candles arranged around the portal. Each portal only remains open for 1 minutes, and each key is consumed when it is used to open a portal.

    When you first enter the dungeon, you'll hear the following exchange:
    Child's Voice: “How long will I have to stay here, mommy?”
    Woman's Voice: “I don't know, sweetie. Probably just a few hours.”

    ROOM KEY
    1. Upside down castle, in the bottom of a gulch, the upside-down castle is surrounded by a moat of fire. Most of the windows and doorways are choked with dirt (refills if you dig it out).
    2. Bowl of brains. In the center of this room sits a giant bowl (lip is 7' off the ground). Inside sleep 11 old men with oversized heads, clutching each other for warmth. They each have a jewelled torc welded around their neck that cannot be removed without cutting off their heads. Nothing will rouse them except damage. When angered, they will all attack at once. They are flying, psychic brains that still have their living human bodies attached (which are completely unneccesary). However, they are not used to being flying, psychic brains and their psychic blasts sometimes only cause nosebleeds, incontinence, etc (instead of exploding your head.)
    3. Rogue Glacier. This locked room is an oversized jail cell. A winding passageway allows for passage through the prisoner, the rogue glacier. The glacier picks pockets as a level 10 rogue. Stolen items are sometimes visible in his icy body.
    4. Oversized key. Huge bronze key on a red pillow. Weighs 100 pounds. Hookah nearby, filled with yellow water and eels. Unlocks the tortoise in room 45.
    5. Crude desperate map. In this room, a party of adventurers has been turned inside out. One of the corpses still clutches a crude map that is covered in a honeycomb of lines and angles. Desperate script says, “There is no way out of this infernal jungle! I've dulled my sword from chopping and my brain from mapping!”. (This is in reference to the mock jungle in room 68.)
    6. Candles. 14 candles and 1 obsidian pyramid are arranged around a convex mirror (6' across) on the ground. These candles will never burn down while they are in these positions. One unlit candle sits in the middle of the mirror. Distant organ music fills the air. This room is a portal room (see Note #3) and placing an obsidian pyramid or a lily in the center of the mirror will open a portal to room #61 or #89 respectively. The full complement of candles around the mirror is 16, and any mirror less than that causes the mirror to cloud further, with a risk to travelers if there are ever less than 12 candles. Each candle removed from the circle causes the organ music to become worse and worse. Room #61 has a crocodile savant in it that may enter this room and attack if the portal is ever opened.
      1. The candles have a magic ability: if a lit candle flame is blown in the direction of an unlit torch, candle, or campfire, the candle will extinguish and the torch will light. Inversely, inhaling sharply over an unlit wick in the direction of a torch will extinguish the torch and light the candle.
    7. Shark's teeth. This room appears to be a natural history museum. A tyrannosaurus skeleton dominates the room, and several dioramas show naked, primitive humanoids chasing down dinosaurs wearing headdresses and tearing out their throats with their teeth, as if if the proto-humans were raptors or wolves. A glass case holds 21 different types of stones, of which 5 are fat gemstones. Smashing the glass case will sound an alarm (roll for encounter) but the lock can also be picked. 1d6 rounds after the party enters the room, 3 fossilized shark skeletons will descend on wires and attack like ghastly marionettes, while the “puppeteers” hide in the gloom. Cutting the wires also neutralizes the sharks.
    8. Wooden sword. A wooden coffin holds a set of wooden bones, recognizable as a dwarf. When disturbed, it will attack as a skeleton (with slashing claws), but one that is vulnerable to fire and slashing weapons (instead of blunt ones). In a steel scabbard, the wooden dwarf skeleton has a wooden sword (as fragile as ordinary wood). If translated, dwarven runes on it read “This is a sword”.
    9. Ghosts. 8 sullen ghosts occupy this room, playing board games for all eternity. The board games are all missing pieces, but the ghosts have all forgotten the rules anyway. One of the board games is actually a treasure map that shows the path to the King's Grave in room 8 (the bottom of the board says “Snakes and Ghouls”). The ghosts are unfriendly. They will attack if anyone messes with their board games, but they will mellow out if anyone brings them the game piece from Room 97.
      1. One of the ghosts the ghost of one of the PCs. Although the PC-ghost has forgotten nearly everything, it can tell the party that it has been here for thousands of years. Amid shrugs, it will mumble something about time travel. It also knows the details of one random room, where it died. Any PC who dies in the upside-down castle will also become a ghost, trapped in this room forever.
      2. People who die in this dungeon cannot be resurrected unless the other ghosts agree to let the departing spirit go. They will not do this unless the party is on their good side, such as if they have returned the game piece from Room 97.
    10. Frozen lake. This room has a frozen floor. In the center of the room, broken ice indicates that something has fallen through. A rusty bronze golem paces around on the room's floor, 20' beneath the ice level. Heavy characters (full plate, encumbered) risk falling through the ice.
    11. Old Coins. A pile of coins sits in the middle of this room. They aren't cursed, guarded, or trapped or anything, but they were minted by a pre-human dynasty of snakemen. Tapestries of solemn snakemen viziers line the walls. A tin spoon in buried in among the coins.
    12. String. This appears to be a dining room full of furniture and food. String is tightly wound around everything in this room, and every cubic foot in this room has as least 3 high-tension strings spanning it from different angles. The food (including a turkey, goblets of wine, etc) is suspended above the table by the strings, like an art student's senior project. Passage through the room is extremely difficult (Dex checks) because it requires navigating the crazy tangle of strings.
      1. If the strings are cut, the food above the table will crash down, splattering gravy on the nice upholstery, spilling wine, and sending plates crashing to the floor. (cut 3 strings to clear the room, roll for random encounters). If the party wants to weave through the room, a small hoard of powdery thief-mice will come out of the wall. The mice will steal d100 coins and a knick-knack (shiny button, potion) from each player while they are too entangled to swing a sword, and then disappear back into the wall.
      2. The silverware is silver, but the real prize is an egg cup in the exact center of the table, which contains (surprisingly heavy) chicken egg which contains ambrosia of the gods. It can be sold or eaten, in which case it raises a random stat by 1 point.
    13. Cup of wine. A procession of petrified butlers marches forever towards the dinner in room 12. The lead butler's silver platter holds a single cup of wine (which is exquisitely delicious). The stone butlers all wear uniforms and hold silver platters, but extracting these will usually require breaking off some stone fingers and limbs. If restored to flesh, the butlers are all werewolves obsessed with wine and lambs.
    14. Manta rays. Sagacious manta rays observe you through the walls of this underwater tunnel, which eventually leads to the shore of an indoor lake. The “beach” is entirely composed of huge, cyclopean cubes of lead. The telepathic manta rays are sages, and can be persuaded to identify stuff or ferry passengers across the lake. (They don't know much about the dungeon, but are experts on plankton, kelp, and algebra.) Their prices are steep if you pay in gold, but they are eager to taste new and interesting foods. An island in the middle of the lake is filled with upside-down trees. In the center of it is a mail box (actually a retarded MIMIC, a.k.a. CIMIM).
    15. Barbed leather. This empty suit of magical barbed leather armor sits in a crystal display case. It was made from a rose elemental, and the thorns are nearly 2” long. Another display case holds a shark fossil, suspended by strings. Another display case is packed floor to ceiling with skulls. If the display case containing the suit of armor is opened or disturbed, the armor will animate, leap out, and run away. If it escapes the room (and it probably will) add it to the wandering monster table. If encountered, it will only run away. If cornered, it will fight (it has a whip and a scimitar). As a magic armor it has two powers. First, things attacking it with natural weapons are damaged by the razor-sharp barbs. Second, it can shoot soothing pollen out of its sleeves, which calms insects automatically and other animals if they fail a saving throw. This calming effect is extremely short lived, but the suit of armor can produce huge amounts of pollen every day.
    16. Clock tower. Everything in this room is made of paper. A column of sunlight pierces the papery arches of the ceiling, 100' above. In the center of this room is a huge clock tower with what appears to be a gargoyle who has just lept off it, now frozen in time. The hands of the clock are clearly made from black iron and gold, and there is a visible doorway on the landing behind the clock face. Approaching the clock tower causes time to pass slower. If you stand in the doorway and watch someone approach, you'll notice they move slower and slower as they approach it, so that they will never arrive (think Zeno's arrow). Additionally, approaching the tower also causes you to age, so that you will always die of old age 1 foot away from the clock tower. A party of humans walking towards the tower will likely age 1d6 years in the few seconds before they realize what has happened, and 1d6 hours will have passed outside of the room. This powerful effect can be skirted by creeping along the walls (paper-covered bricks) of the room. This enchantment can only be dispelled by destroying the face of the clock tower.
      1. Arrows and fireballs shot at the clock face will never reach it (not in your lifetimes). Light and light spells will not be noticeably affected by the time effect, and will reach the clock tower normally. (The concave mirror in Room 39 would actually be perfect for this task, and will be able to ignite the tower and burn it down in only a couple of minutes). Spells that travel to their destination are useless (magic missile, fireball, BUT lightning bolt works fine) while spells that conjure things at a certain location work fine (like summoning an acid ooze on top of the tower would work.)
      2. Once the tower is destroyed, the time gargoyle will be unfrozen in time and attack. The gargoyle is made from smoky glass and has garnets for eyes. It attacks with claws and a breath attack (hot sand). If anyone rolls a natural 1 to save against the breath attack they are sent back in time. You may find them again in room 51, but they'll be 1d20 years older.
      3. The clock tower has a metal framework. At the top, the clock hands can be salvaged (4' and 3' long, black iron and gold, heavy but very valuable). The doorway leads to room 17.
    17. Melted Sand Dunes. The top half of this room is clearly the top half of a giant hourglass with obsidian walls (20' across, hole is 3' wide). The hole in the sloping floor leads to a huge room filled with melted sand dunes. The sand-dune room is entirely located in a steeply sloping cave. The top-most part of the room connects to the half-hourglass room. Walking through the melted sand dunes, players may disturb pebbles, which will slide down the steep glass slope.
      1. It takes 4 hours to walk down the glassy, smooth room, or 5 hours to walk up it. If you slide down (on your cloak or something), the bottom can be reached in 15 minutes. 6 carnivorous desert penguins nest in a smooth-walled burrow halfway down the slope. They are hungry and faster than greased lightning when they slide down on their bellies.
    18. Misshapen faces. A stone cherub spits water into a fountain in the center of this room. The walls of this room are covered with 57 waxy, lumpy faces. The faces are warm to the touch. If the faces are removed and placed atop your own face, it will be absorbed and your face will permanently assume the likeness of the mask. Roll 2d6 to determine your new Charisma. 5% of the faces are sentient and hungry, and if touched, they will attempt to bite (+5 to hit, 1d6 damage) and then swallow on the next round (automatic unless allies make opposed strength checks).
    19. Owls. Two cloaked strangers (Striga and Tyaton) shuffle around this room, bulky and tall. They wear silver owl masks over their faces (they are actually giant owls). All around the room are dozens of pictures of owls drawn in black pen, and dozens of live owls roost quietly in cages. They are carefully measuring owls, believing (correctly) that new spells may be researched by analyzing the different ratios of owl physiognomy. They are level 5 magic-users and care for nothing except owls and magic. They wield spells of hungry precision and silent knives. Their jeweler's monocle is actually the eye of Belkernap in room 37, although it looks mineral in composition.
    20. Lists. In this room there are 12 wooden plugs set into the floor, like wooden manhole covers 3' wide. Beneath each plug is a small chamber containing a small, muddy modron who is endlessly repeating a random list. (Go here and click twice: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_lists_of_lists). One of the modrons is actually reciting a list of all of the rooms in this dungeon (“. . . 20. Lists. 21. Whispering Poison. . .”). You can hear them muttering if you put your ear against the wood. One of the modrons wears a gold-and-titanium circlet (completely square). One of the modrons is actually berserk, chaotic, and will explode 1d6 rounds after being removed from his muddy prison. If the modrons are somehow restored to their full mental capacities (this is what modrons do when they are traumatized), they will aid the party. Otherwise, all the modrons will do is sit there and mutter.
    21. Whispering poison. A withered mummy hangs from a crucifix in this room. The mummy is not undead, it's just a normal mummy. The rest of the room is filled with implements of torture and a small coal furnace with a stack of fuel beside it. Vials and glassware are arranged in front of the furnace, filled with cloudy water. Inside the mummy's veins is a deadly sentient poison. Anyone approaching the mummy will hear the poison whispering to them. The poison wants to be extracted from the mummy's veins and then used to kill more creatures. The poison's name is Cyrano. The poison can give you directions for extracting him (it involves a dagger and an empty vial). He's only a few milliliters, but he is deadly. He can crawl around (1' /min) but prefers to sit on a knife where he can be delivered to veins easier. In exchange for your help killing things, he can cast Detect Poison at will. He may even be able to teach a wizard a unique poison spell or two.
    22. Implausible pits. This room is filled with 6 visible pits. The pits are actually 3' to the left of where they appear to be (90% chance of falling in one while walking through the room unless gimmick is figured out). The pits are 5' deep, but falling in one causes damage as if you had fallen from a much greater height. In the bottom of one is the SWORD OF THE NORTH. In another pit is a voracious undead unicorn head. In another pit is a treasure chest filled with bees. The lock is awesome, but the door itself if only wax—you can scratch it with your fingernail.
    23. Firetraps. This long room appears to be a bazaar, with rugs laid out, canvas overhangs, and empty fruit stalls. The walls are painted with flowers. All open flames in this room will spawn hostile imps that last for 1d6 rounds after their original torch is extinguished. A single bee-drone (see room 24) keeps guard here. If panicked, he will light the bonfire and retreat to the main door of the Honeycomb, guarded by a pair of drones.
    24. Bee people. Here is the secret hive of the bee people, built vertically and dripping with honey. Art Noveau chimneys connect levels and gilded lilies proffer nauseatingly sweet nectar. The men are hulking brutes (use umber hulks) while the females are graceful things with wasp-like waists who are experts in alchemy, poisons, and explosives. They also have a bunch of interesting insect-themed treasure, tribute from some confused cultists, one time. http://rachelghoulgamestuff.blogspot.com/2013/12/osr-christmas-list-item-1-treasures-of.html. They are misandriists, and only trust females. Men will be asked to sit on the floor outside the room while the females discuss business. (beesness)
      1. There are 4 males, 7 females, and 22 sexless drones (as orcs). Friendly larva (with children's faces) will crawl over and ask for candy (in children's voices. The bee people are unfriendly but not hostile. They may allow you to pass through for a tribute and a vow of peace. What they desire more than anything are the lilies from room #89 and the destruction of the ghouls (see room 69). If the party seems intent on achieving these goals, they bee people will send Buzz Buzz (a jolly, stupid male) with you. They *might* also be persuaded to part with some poisons, acids, or explosives.
      2. Caligula is queen of the bee people, but her vizier Merlane speaks for her. Her favorite daughter is Lophia, an assassin. Her jealous daughter is Yanivel, a jeweler.
    25. Hungry Streets. This section appears to be a 4-way crossroads in a country town, complete with lamp posts and cobblestones. A frightened horse darts back and forth through these streets, searching for a way out but too scared to leave the light cast by the lamps. Unless the party runs straight through, they will be swallowed by the giant mouths that form in the cobblestone. Being swallowed does a little damage, but then it ejects you into the sewers beneath, which lead to rooms XX and YY. Poisoning the water in the sewers will cause the streets to vomit you up. Digging through the cobblestones isn't an option unless you have explosives or manage to kill the street first (60 HP, 10 HD).
    26. Wind machine. At the far end of this hallway, four giant dragonfly engines flap their wings and create a powerful wind that prevents passage. Passing up this hallway is only possible with climbing gear (treat it like a 100' climb with equivalent fall damage, except sideways).
    27. Dark engine. In this room is a strange device. It's about 10' long and looks like a cross between a piccolo and a Harley-Davidson. It's all flanges and oiled black leather. It's a vehicle, and can be ridden by up to 3 people. It flies at double the speed of a human, but it requires large quantities of blood to operate. Every full moon it will come alive and hunger for flesh. It creeps around on eight legs of leather and steel, gliding through halls like an angel of death, and rapidly dissecting victims with it's lovingly articulated mouthparts, trapping their soul in the small chamber above its carburator.
    28. Very old people. 7 very old people sit in 7 rocking chairs, watching a storm that only they can see. They are sitting on a porch overlooking nothing but fog. A starry sky is visible far beyond the fog. They claim to the descendants of the king, waiting for his return. Their brains are full of little worms, but they can be persuaded to peer into the storm for you (treat as a Commune spell). Talking to any of them also ages you 1d6 years, however. If you kill one, you must save or take their place in a rocking chair. Destroying a rocking chair will cause the other rocking chairs to grow spider legs and horrible crushing jaws, and attack you. If the frog in room 38 is killed, the fog will dissipate and the path to the stars will be lost.
    29. Ill stars. Passing through the fog you will find yourself among the stars. Up this high, you can see an aerial view of a couple of nearby areas of the dungeon, including the manta's lake and island. While among the stars, your body appears to be a constellation. There is a 1-in-6 chance while you are up here of being attacked by disgruntled astronomers, yelling at you to cease your pointless wandering. From here, you can see the storm that the old people are looking at (and it is TERRIFYING), return to the rocking chairs, or fly to the moon (Room 39). Anyone leaving the room must save or contract space sickness (1 chills, 2 vertigo, 3 bleeding from the ears, 4 periods of weightlessless, 5 hair loss, 6 gamma ray vomit).
    30. Slime Princess. This room is locked, but has a large door knocker. A mailbox outside the room reads “30”. In this room, Orange Princess and Slime Princess take turns peering through the telescope at the moon (Room 39). Scattered around the room are a bunch of books (mostly geography and engineering subjects, but a few adventure and romance novels, 1d4 level 1d4 spells). Here is where Slime Princess (1 HD ooze) and Orange Princess (4 HD elf) hang out all the time. Slime Princess is a semi-anthropomorphic slime who totally wants to go on adventures. Orange Princess is a large-nosed young woman with orange clothes and hair. She just wants Slime Princess to be safe, and only wants to practice fencing (she carries a foil). Slime Princess will want to join the party. Whenever she kills something with more HD than her, she grows 1 HD and has an X-in-20 chance of turning into a mindless ooze, where X is equal to her new HD. This oozy rampage lasts until she eats someone or until something else calms her.
      1. Other things in this room: orrery, orange bed, cauldron with pillows (Slime Princess' bed), 30' tall bookcase, hollow globe (containing 300 gp), nice hardwood floor, magic teapot (never runs out of tea), 4 bonsai trees.
      2. Anyone falling asleep here will f
    31. Child gangs. These corridors are the home of 9 unruly children who form a rough gang. Their leader is Redbeard (he's 9 and has no beard). He has LIFTING GLOVES, which give him a strength of 18, but only when used to pick things up. These nose-picking urchins will attempt to sell you newspapers at exorbitant prices and pick your pockets. They all carry concealed shivs and adore the princesses in room 30. They live in a tree-house.
    32. Vomiting statues. This room has 8 statues in it, each on a pedestal. All of them can be rotated except the blacksmith statue. All of the statues are wearing clothes which indicates their profession. (1) The blacksmith statue is continually vomiting fire and cannot be turned, blocking easy passage through the center of the room. (2) The mermaid statue can be rotated, and vomits water when her tail is lifted (can be used to temporarily extinguish the fire-vomiting statue. (3) The king statue will vomit 234 gold coins if one gold coin is thrown down his throat. (4) The assassin statue will vomit a poisonous gas if he is touched. (5) The locksmith will vomit 85 keys if touched (all useless, the key to the door is in his pocket.) (6) The engineer statue will vomit lightning if touched, which can be extra deadly if the floor is covered with water. (7) The cook statue will vomit perfectly edible spaghetti when touched (only works 6 times). (8) The mother-with-baby statue will vomit milk if touched and the baby will vomit a healing potion if fed milk (only works once). The door on the far wall is locked (key in locksmith's pocket).
    33. Bored angels. A church. Rows of pews. Hymnals in the back of every seat. A collection box near the entrance. Entering the church you will be able to hear, faintly, a pair of angels talking idly about the happenings within the dungeon, and especially within this room. They are impossible to communicate with, although they can watch your actions and will speculate loudly on your performance and motivations. Stealing from the poorbox will get you slapped with a plague or attacked by locusts. Donations earn you nothing, but they will take notice of burnt offering on the ash-covered altar.
    34. Boiling water. Room full of boiling water. A small metal boat with metal paddel offers transport through the blistering steam, but you risk being burned on the hot metal.
    35. Boar. Big, pissed off, razor tusks. Fucking harpoons stick out of its side. Takes half damage from slashing and piercing weapons. Keeps fighting 1 round even after it's dead. Stomach full of human bones and jewelry (2 armbands, 9 belt buckles, 1 circlet, 1 medallion of an upside-down tree). It has built itself a veritable nest out of crumpled armor.
    36. Tiny wings. Yammerhein the Wizard, beloved of Ysera, meditates here inside the Crystal Egg of Zola. He wears a cloak of poisonous hummingbirds and his prehensile beard is actually a fragment of a living air elemental. He will respond to disturbances with compulsion spells. Fetch him [1 - a candle (room 6), 2 - the wine (room 13), 3 - baby larva of the bee people (room 24), 4 - bezoar from the creature in room 54, 5 – hat from one the ghouls (room 69), 6 – pig's tail (room 82).]
    37. Bag of soot. Belkernap the Thinjohn broods here, audibly lamenting the loss of his eye (stolen by an owl) while he squats over a low, greasy fire. He scissors his long hands in the smoke. His haversack appears to contain a pile of soot, but is actually 7 soot imps. Talking tot he party, he will lament the loss of his eye, lick his crocodile lips, and offer healing for a steep fee. Instead of healing, he will cast a shrinking spell and dump his sack on the floor. The soot imps will rouse themselves and attack, causing confusion and disease with their tiny mouse teeth. Belkernap hopes to kill them and take their treasure, and maybe see if he can use one of their eyes. Unless, of course, the party has his eye.
    38. Shallow pools. A broad, flat room with 6 shallow (2”) pools. A vast croaking is heard, as an injured fog frog lies here, dying from the CRAWLING DAGGER in its guts. If the frog is healed, it will cough up the dagger, 3847 silver coins, a mithril helmet in the shape of a frog, and four young lads in togas who are eager to help, despite their sharp teeth and inability to comprehend language. If the frog is attacked, it is a terrifying opponent (being the size of a barn). Killing it removes the fog from this room and room 28 (making travel to the moon and stars impossible). If presented with a dried frog from room 50, the fog frog will recoil as if turned. On its back, 45 eggs contain fog frog tadpoles. They can be harvested and sold for a nice sum, but the tadpoles will watch you the entire time with sad, accusing eyes. If not healed, the frog will die by tomorrow, and ghouls from room 69 will soon arrive to harvest its corpse.
      1. Drinking from the pools has the following effects. [1 – As remove curse, 2 – Exhalations of fog, becoming tremendous if you stay in one place for more than 15 minutes, 3 – speak the language of frogs, 4 – shrink to 90% of your height, 5 – reverse gender (once only), 6 – save or paralysis for 2d6 hours as you hallucinate mollusks with voices of loved ones.]
      2. There is also a ladder here. If it is climbed up while there is fog, it will lead to the moon (room 39). If it is climbed while there is no fog, it will lead to a red, wet trapdoor (room 40).
    39. The moon. A small grove on the surface of the moon, the only part of the surface with an atmosphere (although PCs will immediately be struck by how thin the atmosphere is here, it's like a mountaintop). A trapdoor in the moon opens down into the fog frog's room (38). Giant, crystalline ferns grow one inch every millennium. They shatter into razor-shards unless handled with the utmost care. Red, pulpy polyps grow here in straight lines. Strange moonfolk lurk among the crystalline growths, resembling giant cow skulls with four legs on the bottom and two arms on the sides. They attack with two punches (minor damage) and a tongue whip (vorpal on crit, be sure to tell players this somehow).
      1. The moonfolk resent the PCs for the vast amounts of oxygen they consume (an absolutely shocking amount, from their perspective. The normal respiration from 6 humans could absolutely destroy their tiny ecosystem in a matter of minutes, dooming them and their fragile ecosystem.) They will communicate this telepathically (“Cease your gaseous conversion immediately! You bring doom to our children!”) If the party insists on breathing, the moonfolk will attack.
      2. In the center of this clearing is their “farmhouse”, sort of like three increasingly-smaller domes stacked on top of each other. The bottom dome contains a 300'-long moongoat, which lies placidly coiled like a serpent. It's 760 teats provide the moonfolk with nutrition. It is harmless, and very difficult to rouse aside from mealtimes. Up the ladder, the second floor contains bizarre versions of farm equipment, including sawblades plows and double-ended scythes. On the top floor is a book detailing their flight from a distant and unknown oppressor, a diary of their day-to-day life, the phosphorescent paint they use to celebrate birthdays, and their entire wealth: 6 huge bolts of moonsilk, spun from the moonfolks' own glassy marrows.
    40. Very new blood. In this small attic, an immortal man throws himself against the ragged nails that stud the wall. He is covered in cobwebs and his own blood. In fact, all parts of the walls are covered with sharp blades. His name is Blofeld, and he has been trying to kill himself for over four hundred years (his estimate). He built this room to end his life, and is afraid to leave it, since he is terrified of becoming trapped somewhere or worse—being buried alive. He offers the party his scimitar (currently stabbed through his heart) if they can kill him, but he will attack them out of frustration if they seem like they are going to refuse his very honest plea for death. He fights as a level 6 fighter with 20 HP, who regenerates fully each round. The scimitar is the SWORD OF THE NORTH, and will always point north is balanced on its side. He once owned the machine in #37, and will warn people of it's moon-hunger if he thinks it will help convince people to kill him.
    41. Hollow trees. Grove of 9 dead trees. In the center of the grove is a scarcrow. The branches hold stick men and creepy bird skull figures. Each tree has different things inside of them, and can be bashed open easily. [1 – three dead crows, pile of acorn meal, 2 – porcelain torso with an opal-studded, red vest, 3 – dead crow and a spellbook containing sleep, alarm, and paralyze undead), 4 – empty, 5 – glass gargoyle head with garnet eyes, 6 – six crows and a dreamcatcher that grants restful sleep, 7 – three crows and silk flag with hydra motif summons breezes when affixed to a ship's mast, 8 – two dead crows each wearing a beaded necklace, 9 – one crow, two knitting needles, and a voodoo doll for Lord Ebola (in #69). If the scarecrow is destroyed or his medallion taken, the dead crows will become undead crows and attack. The crows take an eyeball on a critical. At the end of the combat, whoever killed the most crows suffers their curse: -2 to hit and save.
      1. The scarecrow's medallion is filthy, but if the mud is scraped off, it is revealed to be metal corn cob with kernals made from yellow jasper, tourmaline, citrine, tastefully mismatched. If worn, it grants the wearer +2 vs fear, and all birds (even undead ones) will not attack the wearer (although they will attack her companions).
    42. Barking men. Four Broad-shouldered, bow-legged bulldog men are hunting on the moors. Their three “dogs” are fierce-eyed men who run on all fours, and whose fingers have grown thick and horned from twisting the necks of deers. The bulldog men are hunting ducks (extinct) and cats (who have all fled to #54) but they will be overjoyed to hunt the PCs instead. They will unleash the hounds (stats as wolves) and bite their pipes as their take aim with their longbows. Treasure: longbows, canary-feather arrows, calf socks, garters, shooting breeks (waterproof pants), tweed waistcoats, supple hunting boots.
    43. Needles. At the bottom of this well is a small chamber, flooded up to 3' deep. Several bone needle men lurk just beneath the murky water. They will rattle their heads and attack with the edgeless sharp that they carry within each of their claws. Their skulls contain an eldritch gas (if inhaled, makes your next exhalation deep-voiced, as command spell) and several needles that are prized by necromancers. A crawlspace set into the wall leads to #44.
    44. Crone's eyes. A single, harried old woman sits on the floor of this small room. The wet carpet around her is sprouting dozens of brown-shouldered mushrooms. Jars behind her contain embalmed fetuses and the vital dusts of three ancient scholars (can be used to resurrect or confer with ancient people: a necromancer, a tax collector, and a surveyor). Shelves dug into the dirt walls contain 21 glass eyes.
      1. Tabitha, the crone, grew greedy in her gathering and has now become possessed by her collection of enchanted glass eyes. The glass eyes now control her, body and soul, and fight for occupation of her eye sockets. She spends her days obeying the eyes, constantly switching them in and out of her eyeless sockets, while each eye reads books, looks at pictures in bestiaries, or leers and lurid drawings. She has a crystal ball in front of her but rarely uses it. Tabitha herself is blind, and hasn't seen anything in years. Her glass eyes whirl independently in each socket, wet and wild.
      2. If approached by the party, she will try to gather the party in her tiny room by promising to tell their fortune. In the tiny, low-ceilinged room they cannot fight effectively, and she hopes that if the eyes posses more subjects they'll leave her alone. Treat the eyes as a 3 HD creature with 23 HP that takes ½ damage from slashing sources and never more than 1 damage from piercing. Each HP lost = one eye destroyed. Creatures that they drop to 0 HP are not killed, but rather have both of their eyes replaced and their consciousness overwhelmed. They fight as a swarm, and can attack everyone in an area. If defeated, 1d3 eyes will survive with mere cracks, and if worn in an eye socket, will function as well as normal eyes. They also allow you to see invisible creatures, but if used to do boring things (studying, standing watch) the eye will fall asleep, going black.
      3. Tabitha will cower throughout the fight, and if freed will be extremely grateful and extremely eager to be rid of them. She can tell fortunes and divinations in her crystal ball, and will happily give the party the gold coins she keeps beneath her rug if the party will leave and never return.
    45. Bronze Tortoise. The bulldog men live in this ramshackle house. They've trapped an enormous bronze tortoise in a pit nearby, and spend their days trying to open the top of its shell (which is locked with the key from #4. Hammers and crowbars lean up against the wall. Inside the tortoise's pillowy interior is the PESTLE OF GORE.
    46. A great drill. A peach tree. An elephant's foot umbrella stand with 3 steel umbrellas. 50 empty barrels. Dozen's of yellow flags in the area mark out the outline of a giant body. Gas tank with a straight razor laid on top. 10' of this vast machine are above the ground, and another 10' extend below ground. The machine is flawed. If it is turned on (requires adding at least 1 HP worth of blood) the whole thing will become violently energetic and tunnel into the ground, ripping free of it's bracing, stabilizing cables, and collapsing the dog-men's giant barn-shack. The drill will burrow through the stomach of a buried giant, who will raise his head and arm above ground even as he dies. He will make a swing at a single person before he dies, and hot tar will rain down, damaging everyone in the area who doesn't have cover (such as with a steel umbrella. It will burrow straight through the giant's stomach (#47), but the tar in that room will be dangerously hot until the giant has been dead for 6 hours.
    47. Tar. If the giant has been dead for at least 6 hours, the tar is cool and relatively safe. Otherwise, it is dangerously hot. Two sphincter-doors lead to #77 and #78. They open when tickled.
    48. Half a mouse. Tiny people have died fighting mice, all chewed in half. The tiny people aren't more than 2” tall and look to have suffered all sorts of injuries and deprivations. Dead mice are scattered all around them, some of them chopped in half. If their gear is ever restored to full, it will include (See #95) a set of scale mail made from extremely light ceramic and covered in blue cloth, a wand of dispel polymorph (12 charges), a potion of lightning resistance, and a potion of hide from undead.
    49. Gut strung harp. A bunch of monsters are playing instruments here. A fishman is playing a tuba. A goblin is playing on drums. A rakshasa is playing a piano and also singing. A satyr is playing a violin. A carrion crawler plays on a gut-strung harp. The players are sweaty and disheveled. If the players do anything that disrupts their playing, they'll all begin shouting, “You've ruined it! You've ruined everything!” while weeping angry tears. Then they'll attack. The tuba can launch attack squids (contains 1 in the chamber, 6 in the clip). The piano has extendable hammers when pressed (88 hammers). The violin lacerates the fuck out of people when it breaks a string (4 strings). And the drums just straight up explode (3 drums). The harp has no powers but the carrion crawler will still totally try to eat you. The instruments retain their abilities afterwards.
      1. If you go through their pockets while they are playing, they'll give you stink-eye, but will not attack. The pockets contain twine, a spare violin string, a tiny jar of rosin, and a few platinum coins.
    50. Dried frogs. In this room, there is a display of a 60' anaconda skeleton in the center of the room, as well as a impression-fossil of a coelocanth, an impression-fossil of an archeopteryx, and a row of six oryx heads. One of the walls has a display case full of dried frogs (no glass). Also a display case of butterflies. 1D6 rounds after the party enters the room, the dried frogs will peel themselves off the wall and whirl themselves at you like nunchucks. There are 10 frogs, 1 HP each. If they damage you, they soak up the spilled blood and swell up into giant killer frogs.
      1. Types of frogs (d6): 1 – poison arrow frog (poison), 2 – surinam toad (1d6 babies in his back), 3 – flying frog, 4 – ugly frog (gives warts), 5 – supertonguefrog, 6 – actually just a crocodile.
      2. As soon as the frogs attack, the archaeopteryx fossil will start laughing. If it take it off the wall, it will squawk angrily, but what can it do? It's just negative space. It can be trained to say words like a parrot.
      3. As soon as the frogs draw blood and turn into giant frogs, the anaconda skeleton will come to life and help you by eating the frogs. If it swallows a frog, it will re-dehydrate it and all of the anaconda's bones will sweat a bunch of blood onto the floor. Re-dehydrated frogs are loot, and you can put them in your inventory, throw them like ninja stars, and have them turn into giant asshole frogs if blood ever touches them. The anaconda skeleton is on your side, but if you fuck with it, it will not hesitate to chomp on your faces. It's also the only thing in this room that's undead (everything else is alive).
      4. The oryx heads on the wall will offer commentary on the fight. They are stupid and insulting. You can bribe them with vegetable food, but they will just choke on it and gag hilariously (since their throat dead-ends in a wooden plaque) and probably die (because that makes sense). The oryx don't know anything useful anyway. They'll try to bite you if you fuck with them, but they are semi-harmless.
      5. After combat is over, the butterflies will clap their wings together and it sounds just like thunderous applause. Roll for a random encounter.
      6. The ceolocanth is too old for this shit will do nothing but roll his eyes.
    51. Angry mob. They're standing around a mud-filled town square, preparing to burn a stray cat (from #54) at the stake for being a witch. They are surly lumpenproles with bad teeth and hunchbacks and you should probably just kill them all. They also have a few cages beside them containing a sad owl (a witch!) and a ghoul servitor from #69 (another witch!) If anyone was sent back in time by the gargoyle in room 16, you'll find them here, 1d20 years older, bearded and weird by their long years of imprisonment.
    52. Strange Lights. This room appears to have lights and sound coming from it, as if it were a cheerful dinner party, but when you open the door you will only see a dust covered table and a bunch of skeletons sitting at it. Like a reverse refrigerator. There's a nice silver candelabra here, though, with an owl theme. If the party messes with the room, and then closes the door behind them, they voices will resume where they left off, but with the changes incorporated.
      1. If the party steals the candelabra: “Hey, where did the candelabra go? That was a wedding present!”
      2. If the party steals a skull off one of the skeletons: “AAAAAGH OMIGOD OMIGOD WHERE DID FRANCIS' HEAD GO! OMIGOD SHE'S GETTING BLOOD ALL OVER THE CARPET! SOMEONE HELP HER! BRING A TOWEL!”
    53. Tradition. If this door is pushed open, spears will thrust down through the 9' in front of the door. Inside this small room is a 20' pit trap with a single skeleton at the bottom (disguised as a corpse) and a Mimic. Inside the mimic is a collapsible 10' pole (compresses down to 2') and a bucket of neverending lard.
    54. Strays. A bunch of stray cats gather here, including a small jaguar. They are fed milk and fish by the widows in #55, who also utilize their bodies when they die. However, the real protector is a flying ooze that will rush over if it ever hears the cats hissing or yowling in fear. The cats are feral and will not allow themselves to be petted or picked up.
    55. Widows. Old ladies with billygoat beards and black fingernails, spinning cats into cat-skin cloaks. Put them on and you turn into a cat. The only catch is that you need someone with thumbs to get you out of it (there are buttons). Stay in it for more than a day and you lose your mind. Three cats = one cloak. The old ladies will trade but they can't fight back, since they are just old ladies. They will warn you not to mess with the cats because the jaguar will kill you (they know something is protecting the cats, but they don't know about the flying ooze).
    56. Razor Webs. Invisible webs criss-cross this hallway, each made of an infinitely sharp filament. Walking into them is heavy damage. Running into them is save or die. You can navigate them by swinging a probe to determine where the filaments are, but you will fuck up a 10' pole into unusability. Adamantine weapons can cut the invisible webs, and smoke/fog can make them visible. These webs were made by tiny spiders, each the size of the head of a pin. The spiders are crawling around everywhere, but are so tiny it's hard to notice them.
    57. Directions. On a dias in this room, a pair of bee men are half-asleep, sitting on a T-shaped metal perch (like parrots). They will wake when the door is opened and speak in unison, “Greetings, Traveller! Behind us are two doors. This door leads to great treasures, but this one leads to terrible ruin.” They gesture at opposite doors. This appears to be another version of the “one always tells the truth and the other always lies”.
      1. In truth, they are both liars. Both doors lead to small rooms with a door in the back. When the door is messed with, the floor will collapse into a spiked pit that also contains the remains of two shattered gargoyles, one black and one white. Then a metal portcullis will slam shut, trapping the party. The two bee men will demand treasure in order to release the party (their T-shaped perch is actually the portcullis winch). Whether or not they are given treasure, they will eventually walk away laughing, and then release the monsters from their hole in the wall. One monster is a rust monster and the other is a rot monster.
      2. The black gargoyle is actually still alive, although it is missing a leg and most of its face. It will beg for help, although it can only tell lies, and so may be a bit confusing.
      3. If the party can't figure out a way to get out of the pit, someone will wander past and offer to release them in exchange for a favor. d4 [1 – Yammerhein from #36, 2 – Lophia from #24, 3 – a random ghoul from #69, 4 – the slothocephalus from #85.]
    58. The Tanner. In this room, a ogrish tanner is scraping the osteoderms off an ankylosaur hide. They litter the ground like peanut shells. He will make and sell leather armor, and will buy hides and leather armor for generous prices. He will tell you the story of the barbed leather in #25, but believes it to be lost forever. The barrels on the wall are filled with caustic lye, and if he is threatened, he will call his hides to his aid. The most dangerous hides by far are the four bull hides, which have goring horns and crushing grip.
    59. Snakes. Just a pit full of snakes, writhing and partying. Many of them are venomous.
    60. Snail shell. In this room is an invisible flail snail, with only the shell visible. In its stomach are hundreds of huge flowers. If the snail is killed, flowers will once again grow to cover the Moor.
    61. Obsidian mirror. In the center of this room is a circular, convex mirror of obsidian (6' across) with 15 small (3”) obsidian pyramids arranged around it. This is a portal room (see Note #3) and links to rooms #6 and #89 if a candle or a lily is placed in the center of it (taken from those rooms). Every obsidian pyramid removed from around the periphery makes the mirror more opaque (with mishap chances beginning if there are less than 12 pyramids here) and also causes more of a stink-rot smell to fill the room. The obsidian pyramids have electrum filigree and intricate carvings, and are worth 20g each. A crocodile savant lurks in this room, cloaking it in darkness.
    62. Bitter seeds. Three naked, bestial children (2 HD) squat on the ground here, scrounging for the bitter seeds that fall from the tree. They will tell you that the seeds are “bitter, bitter but sweet in memory” and barter for them (gold coins are worthless to them) if you want them. Only they can find the bitter seeds among the tangled roots of the tree, and if you kill them you will get no seeds.
      1. If you eat one of the seeds it will be bitter, bitter but you will fucking like the taste of it. One of the children will say, “that's because it's your heart” and you look down and holy shit you actually are eating your heart and it's all bloody and raw in your chest. It's just a copy of your heart, though, so you still have a perfectly good one in your chest (probably). After you take a bite, your Wisdom permanently goes up to 1 point and your Charisma permanently goes down by one, as you become both wiser and more cynical. You can eat up to 3 of these things with the same effect each time, but if you eat all 3 bitter seeds your alignment shifts one step away from Good.
    63. Bone chair. All the furniture in this room is made of bones. Bone couch, bone chandelier, bone scroll racks (3 scrolls are actually just femurs with spells carved on them), bone chalices filled with holy water. The real treasure in this room, though is the Bone Chair that sits at the head of the table, which is carved and covered with wrought silver and a few tasteful black tassels. You can look this room without any immediate consequence BUT if you do some angry skeletons will be added to the random encounters table. The skeletons will be genteel noble skeletons with sabers who will twizzle mustaches that they no longer have. The angry genteel skeletons will demand that you return their property or they will order their slaves (2d12 other skeletons with sabers that look identical to their masters) to kill you.
    64. Scraps of a dress. Down this hallway, you will pass a torn dress (blue cotton, white bow at the collar), then a pair of women's riding boots, then undergarments (at this point the players will have a minor, ignorable urge to take off their clothes and go further down the hallway), then what looks like a wig, then a torn skin, then a long streak of blood (at this point, players must save or charge down the hallway towards their inevitable conclusion), then long strips of flesh, then bones scattered across 50' of hallway, and then finally a glorious wall of light and speed and rushing sound. A subway river into golden eternity. Anyone reaching this point will be automatically overcome and will rush forward. Falling under the spell of the hallway causes you to run forward, while all your clothes and gear fall off. If you are not stopped, you will shed your flesh and bones and your soul will rush triumphantly into that grand consensus.
    65. Titan Arch. A gigantic archway, 70' wide and 100' tall. A titanic three-toed sloth hangs from it, wearing a giant collar made from gold and red enamel. Her nametag says “My name is Flossy. Please don't wake me up.” Luckily, it is just about damn near impossible to wake the sleeping sloth. You'd have to stick a lance through her eyelid or something. The real danger comes from the lichen-men that live in Flossy's fur (as vegepygmies). The clasp is by the nametag, so you'll probably have to stand on Flossy's belly to undo it.
    66. White Coral. Huge, ghostly, as if dredged up from the bottom of the sea. Looming eight feet high. It is full of jeweled crabs, valuable but very shy.
    67. Mud. Lots of it. A sail-less mast sticks out of this mud, but there is not ship beneath it. Four ropes are tied across the beam, as if for a noose, but they are are torn and half-missing. If the flag (41) is tied to the mast, a breeze will blow through the room.
    68. Mockery Jungle. This is a mock jungle of mockery. Trees sprout up from all directions, made from wire and poorly-painted paste. A sign reads, “This is a jungle.” Paper leaves are nailed to splintery wood, and badly taxidermied animals are arranged haphazardly among the corrugated ferns. Painted rocks are tied to some of the branches, standing in for fruit. The only living creatures here are the monkeys, who leap overhead while throwing insults at anyone else. If captured, the monkeys will only offer more verbal abuse (“Bugger off”, “Get lost”, and “Suck an egg” seem to be favorites). The only random encounter you with find here is the dreaded MOCKTOPUS (which takes 2x damage from the wooden sword).
      1. Paths and intersections sprout up, sometimes with footprints leading one way or another, but these are meaningless. Wandering is useless and will only get you lost forever. Mapping is better, and will return you to the door you entered from. But only getting lost—intentionally--will get you through this conceptual maze and to the far side of the “room”. Alternatively, the wooden sword from Room 8 can clear the jungle—each swing will cause huge swaths of fake jungle to crumple into garbage and dozens of monkeys to die screaming.
    69. Plague House. In this mansion live a number of gentlemen ghouls, each one working on perfecting a specific disease. The ghouls collect the corpses of everything that dies in this dungeon, fight for the biggest parts, and eat the parts that they don't use for research. Their skeletal servitors (undead spiders that occupy skulls like hermit crabs) keep the house tidy and also scuttle around the dungeon looking for fresh meat. They also scour the dungeon for corpses. The ghouls all believe (correctly) that killing all the living things in the dungeon will cause the whole thing to slide into the afterlife and stop all this silly “dreamland” nonsense. Aside from the normal ghoul powers, each one can breathe a cone of their favorite disease.
      1. Lady Anthrax loiters in the boudoir, lounging on a couch, chatting with the (non-verbal but animate) remains of her past lovers. She is a bit worried about Malaria, who used to be so much fun. Her plague cauldron simmers in the fireplace. She wears a bishop's mitre.
      2. Lady Malaria is busy replanting orchids in the hothouse amid a cloud of mosquitos. Zombie ducks swim across her plague pond. She is furious at Lord Cholera's sabotage of her work. She wears a wimple.
      3. Lord Cholera sits in the dining room, gnawing bones and writing terrible poetry. He is looking for someone to read it to, now that Ebola has begun acting so strangely. With a talon-like toenail, stirs the frothy mixture in his plague tureen. He wears a top hat.
      4. Lord Ebola paces across his bedroom. The other ghouls are plotting against him, waiting for him to leave his plague chamberpot unattended. Thousands of pages of paper document the imagined treachery of the other ghouls, and describe his plan to eat Lady Anthax. He wears a tricorn hat.
      5. The ghouls are most likely to see the party as a source of meet. If the party kills several groups of servitors, the ghouls will likely venture out to take care of it themselves. Unless the party can prove their usefulness (shouldn't be hard) the ghouls will be very hostile. They're quite deadly, and most of them have some spell-casting ability.
      6. What the ghouls want: (1) Meat. They'll pay 100g per HD of corpse brought in. (2) the destruction of the bee people in room 24.
      7. What the ghouls can offer: Cures from diseases. Lady Malaria is actually a cleric, and can remove curses. They're also willing to send servitors to aid the party (they can always make more). They also know more about the history of this place than anyone else, and can tell you about the Dreaming Prince. They're also refreshingly honest about their intentions, “Keep bringing us meat and we won't eat you.”
    70. The End. In this room, there's a bunch of sarcophagi, with one more elaborate sarcophagus on a dais in the center of the room. And inside the sarcophagus is a lich. And when they open the sarcophagus, just start storytelling (as the DM) about how they fought the lich and got his treasure and then left the dungeon and spent the treasure and and then moved into a pastoral community and all lived there happily as friends. One is a blacksmith and adopts an orphan, one marries an elf, one starts a small school of magic for precocious youngsters, and they all grow old and happy together. Everyone gets a happy ending.
      1. Just keep blathering your story until someone expresses their doubts. Then, that person is back in the dungeon, covered in blood and injuries and aches while the rest of the party stands there drooling and smiling. If the players let you blather on so long that you start running out of happy endings for everyone, roll for a random encounter and give it surprise on everyone.
      2. But when they wake up, they really are in a real room with a bunch of sarcophagi. The central sarcophagus really does contain a lich. The lich will probably attack the party and TPK them (because, hey, liches don't need much provocation) but he will also offer to return people to their happy endings, put them in stasis, and then store them inside the smaller sarcophagi. (“Why do you adventure for? Everything life can offer, I can already give you here, in sleep.”) The smaller sarcophagi contain really, really old people, smiling peacefully and breathing so slowly you can barely tell. They crumble into dust when touched, but the lich can turn them all into ghasts with a crook of his finger.
      3. The lich's name is Tanaraeva. The irony of dreaming inside a dream has not escaped him.
    71. Withered plains. The ground is wrinkled like an old woman's face. In the center of this place is Tortagon, a false clay golem. He looks like a normal clay golem but on the inside he is full of blood and guts and stuff. He is resting a distance away from the Krakentree, his eternal foe. He wields the WOODEN AXE (wooden haft, wooden blade, can heal itself if planted, though you will need to prune it afterwards)
    72. Silver Road. This road is covered with silver-coated bricks, with many sections missing. In the middle of the road are two fools with no names, awaiting the return of their master and fighting over who gets to sit on the rock (which is only big enough for one of them). They want more comfortable shoes, since theirs are almost all worn down. Creatures wandering off the roads will walk into the mist, which will gradually make them more and more transparent while the mist grows denser and more vital.
    73. Red Sign. A tavern for vampires, called the Red Sign. Empty 90% of the time. 10% of the time it is filled with neurasthenic vampires who will assume that everyone there is also a vampire. Pub games: darts, lawn bowling, Devil-among-the-Tailors, Toad-in-the-Hole. They are languid but will drop all pretense of civility if they see fresh blood. Most of the bottles behind the counter are poisonous, and they all bear strange names (“clarion wasp”, “midnight agony”, “screwtape liquor”, “teratoheme”, etc). Beneath the bartender's floor mat is a trapdoor leading to the basement, where several headless creatures are chained to the wall, providing fresh blood on tap. They were labels that display their vintage (“Iron Dwarf, Male, 1861”, “Cimmerian, Male, 1994”, “Atlantian, Female, 1287”, “Brynthic, Female, 2002”).
    74. Black Rainbow. A black hole sun unshines down on this bleak vista, creating a rainbow in negative space. If you follow it to its very end you will encounter a golden pot containing cursed lead coins (each one counts as a lodestone), but you will be attacked by undead leprechauns on the way there.
    75. Stormclouds. This is the storm that all elderly people in the dungeon can see. Lighting strikes foretell tragedy (and random encounters, see Note 1). Flying through the storm are huge ravens with the heads of old men. They have fierce eyes and terrible claws, and will attack young PCs while ignoring the older ones. In the center of this storm is a small tower made of mirror-polished metal that is struck by lightning every 1d6 rounds, which electrocutes the whole exterior (and interior walls), but not the floors. The front door is locked (most lock picks are conductive) with the key from #76. The bottom floor contains four rusty suits of armor all lying in poster beds. One of the suits of armor has STORM GAUNTLETS, which, in addition to having sweet spiked knuckles, also allow you to redirect lightning. The upper story is the roost of the horrible old raven-men, and resembles a cross between a bird cage and a reading room, with the floor carpeted with pages from some obscure text. (Excerpt: “. . . but business is business, and to a robber whose soul is in his profession, there is a lure and a challenge about a very old and very feeble man who has no account at the bank, and who pays for his few necessities at the village store with Spanish gold and silver minted two centuries ago. Messrs. Ricci, Czanek, and Silva selected the night of April 11th for their call. . .”) Under a pile of seed husks is a small lockbox containing a bunch of gold and a few illegible deeds which entitle the bearer to quite a bit of farmland in some distant part of the world.
    76. Chain. In this room, you can see the giant's ass and legs, emerging out of the wall. He's actually on his knees, so the sphincter is about about 15' off the ground. The room is strung with chains and hooks, hanging from the rafters and coiled in the corners. The room contains the alchemical equipment for turning shit into gold, as well as numerous texts on the alchemy of transmuting bodily substances into metals (black bile into cold iron, cerebrospinal fluid into adamantine, etc). In the center of the room are a young man and woman, discussing the ideal amount of aqua regia to add to the dephlogistication reaction. They don't appear to have any arms nor legs, but the stools that they sit on have four brass lion legs, like a bathtub. (The stools are magical, and can commanded to move by sitting on them and giving them commands. They walk slow.)
      1. In truth, the two young people are both chain devils, and can control any chain within 100' as a simple extension of their will. If threatened, they will use the hooked chains to lift their bodies (chains can never cause them damage) 20' in the air while attacking with the other chains along the walls. Their names are Chessen and Moira.
      2. The chain devils use a small oven to reduce imps, crocodiles, and street children to their elemental essences. The small oven is made from mirror-polished metal (exactly like the tower in #75) as is the key to the oven's door. The small oven door only locks/unlocks from the inside, and the key cannot be removed unless the door is locked. The only (obvious) way to get the key out of the oven is for someone to climb inside, lock themselves inside, and then pass the key up the chimney. The door is currently ajar.
    77. Heart. Here is beats the vast and bloody heart of the giant. A feral orphan girls squats atop it, gnawing on stolen bread. She is fierce and toothsome, but also 4' 11” and a level 1 thief. The giant calls her “Threnody, my daughter” but he is wrong. She is just a parasite.
      1. If the heart here is stabbed a bunch, the giant will die. It'll probably take several turns while the giant bellows, “Aaagh! You pain me! Caution, I urge you!” which then turn to cries of horrible agony.
    78. Flies. You are in the giant's ass. Flesh walls and fecal floors. If the giant is alive, there will be a giant tapeworm here (reaction roll). If the giant is dead, there will be clouds of flies here. If the giant has been dead for at least 6 hours, heaps of maggots will be devouring the villi walls of this place, growing fat and tumbling onto the ground as they gorge themselves. If the giant has been dead for at least 24 hours, there will be 1d6 giant, saw-mouthed, carnivorous razorflies, plus another 1d6 for every 24 hours beyond that (up to 3d6).
    79. Bakers. In this bakery lives the Baker, a thinly veiled metaphor for a benevolent Judeo-Christian god. He is known by no other name. He has adopted all sorts of outcasts from different parts of the dungeon, and his three apprentices are (1) a bee princess who knows of the royal rivalry in room #24, (2) a talking pig who once heard a story about a lucky whistle (untrue, see #92), (3) and a ghost who somehow escaped from room #9 and went looking for the missing game piece before getting lost. The bakery has a front room that is a store, and a bigger back room that is a bakery floor.
      1. The Baker is wise, benevolent, and sort of a dick. He's also a lich, although he is warm and cheerful and smells like delicious bread. His phylactery is buried beneath the big, central oven. He will sell you potion-bread (a.k.a. bunny-bread, looks and hops like a bunny and heals 1d6+1 hp if eaten) and knows recipes for all sorts of other types of magic bread. If you steal from him you will never be able to find his bakery again. He can make the following things out of bread: (1) shoes, (2) doors, (3) loyal hounds, (4) books, (5) sling stones, (6) hats, (7) spouse lures, (8) armor. At any give time he will have 1d3 of these bread-items displayed in his windowsill, along with other novelty bread that look like giraffes and fish and stuff. (Some of this animal bread is actually animate and totally wants you to eat it.)
      2. The entire back wall of the bakery floor is occupied by the face of the giant, whose huge arms also protrude into the room. The giant's name is Randy and he wears a giant chef's hat. He is sort of a benevolent simpleton who is terribly afraid of offending someone. He uses his big strong arms to help out the bakers in return for some bread. There is currently an aromatic cherry pie set out in front of him—the bakers hope that the smell will coax Randy's runaway “daughter” Threnody back into the bakery (see #77). Randy has had a terrible tummy-ache recently, and fears that Threnody is angry at him for offending her, and has been abusing his guts in retaliation (actually a tapeworm, see #78).
      3. If the giant is killed, the Baker will know exactly who did it, and his shop will be a place of gloom and thinly veiled hostility.
    80. King's Grave. Here is a graveyard with two mausoleums, a big one and a smaller one. The most interesting thing is the huge, baroque mausoleum in the center of it covered in sneering gargoyle faces. The lintel names the occupant: “Mutarion, King of the People, who almost loved his son enough”. Written on the door is a riddle: “Alive without breath; as cold as death; never thirsty, always starved; clad in mail never carved.” If the right answer is given ('Numahk'), the door will slide open to reveal King Mutarion's crypt. If the wrong answer is given, the gargoyle faces will burst into laughter, the door to the smaller mausoleum will explode open, and Sir Numahk will attack. The inside of the King's Mausoleum is just an empty square of dirt. If the dirt is dug up, you will find the rotted coffin of King Mutarion. The king is just dry bones covered in mold (poisonous spore clouds if disturbed) but the rotted coffin has golden paneling and the king still carries a jeweled scepter (Mace +1, treat your charisma as +2 if wielded, worth a fortune) and a pseudo-Faberge egg that can be commanded to turn into a clockwork chick (fragile, obedient, worth a fortune). If his skull is examined, it will whisper, “Please help my son” a single time, but is otherwise a completely mundane skull.
      1. The smaller mausoleum is covered in fish heads, and the lintel reads, “Sir Numakh, the King's Champion, who buried one king and imprisoned another”. If Numakh's mausoleum is opened or if the wrong answer is given to the riddle on the big mausoleum, Numakh (now a ghoul) will explode out of his tomb and attack. He rides a flying barracuda golem, made from brass, pearl, and shark teeth. He wears an set of armor made from leviathan leather (scale armor +1, grants water-breathing) and wields a glaive (+1, cursed, cannot discard, wielder can never sleep unless 90% submerged in water). In his mausoleum is a bathtub where he rests his moldy body (fine porcelain and golden feet), small gold-plated table filled with empty wine bottles, and a chandalier overhead (decent quality brass, 88 crystal pendants worth a good sum.)
      2. 16 graves with random graves. All filled with dry bones and ragged remnants of servants (butler vests, maid dresses) except for: 1,4,5,11,13,15 contain ghouls, if one is disturbed, they all will rise. 3 copper icon of a sword, 6 three-hundred gold coins, 10 wedding ring, 14 amber-paneled drinking stein showing scenes of hunting, 16 cursed boots of dancing with silver buckles.
    81. Golem's script. The walls of this room are covered with cuniform script carefully pressed into 4 clay panels. They are written in an ancient script, but if translated, stuff will happen. After each panel is translated (comprehended) an random item in a random player's inventory will disappear and be reincorporated in the lump that is growing in the center of the room. After each panel has been read, the object self-assembling in the center of the room will be completely assembled, incorporating pieces of whatever items were used to construct it. Once all four panels are read, the golem in the center of the room will be fully assembled. It's final size and abilities depend on the items sacrificed to construct it. Regardless, the golem will be sentient and can cast passwall and invisible servant once per day each. The golem contains the mind of Malik, the former vizier and artificer. He will be all in favor of seeking out the sleeping Prince and killing him.
      1. The panels are a letter addressed to the reader. It asks that it not be read until the environment has stabilized. It tells about the illness that befell the Prince, and the weird extrusions into the world around the castle. When things got really weird (bull-dog men), Malik wrote himself into these panels and waited for this whole mess to blow over.
    82. Pig's tail. A farmhouse with an absurdly tall silo. Intelligent, talking pigs crowd around the farmhouse, eating slop and discussing social methods of government. They are kept by the Pot-bellied Wizard, who lives in the silo-tower. These are magical pigs, and the Pot-bellied Wizard has been keeping them, breeding them, and harvesting their tails, which normally allow the pigs to fly. The Pot-bellied Wizard has been harvesting pigs' tails and using them to build his own super-tail, which is long and huge and made of fractal pig tails (it's pig tails all the way down). This super-tail gives him super powers, including flight, the power to make people's guts attack them (requires punching yourself in the stomach to stop them from trying to throttle your heart), and the power to make people instantly obese (only lasts a few hours, though).
      1. The Pot-bellied wizard is huge (7' tall) and has a tremendous belly within which different colors swirl. A small spigot allows him to tap his belly for 1d8 random potions (different colors = switch to a new vial). Despite his fat-baby face, he is utterly evil and seeks to bring wrack and ruin to all living things, and someday become a lich himself. He will attempt to destroy the party indirectly (by sending them down a certain hallway #64) or directly (by blasting them with acidic lightning bolts or his other weird wizard powers (see above).
      2. His tower also contains some spell books, a cauldron containing a baby alligator blowing bubbles (actually a baby Godzilla/Tarrasque), a chest of gold coins that will all flee in different directions if someone other than the wizard opens it while yelling for help and potentially disappearing over the horizon, and a saddle that will turn ANYTHING into a horse that it is strapped on to.
      3. His intelligent pigs have been duped into cooperating with his mad schemes after the Pot-bellied wizard dazzled them with discussion about political systems and then baffled them with bullshit. The pigs believe that they are a Parliament, and the wizard is the Vice-President of the Republic. While “impeaching” the wizard is impossible (it requires a unanimous vote from the parliament), the pigs might be amenable to other ideas (communism, anarchy) and the PCs could perhaps foment a religion that ends with a bunch of pigs eating a wizard.
    83. Tin Crown. In this room, there is a hole in the ground that is basically a well with a winch and a pulley and a rope and a bucket. Except the rope is actually a chain and the bucket is actually a steel box. The steel box is about 3' x 3' x 4' and looks sort of like a tiny coffin. Cries for help can be heard inside. If the (locked) coffin is opened, a desperate skeleton pops out, holding a Tin Crown. The skeleton will attempt to place the crown on the head of whichever PC looks dumbest (“You saved me! Let me thank you with my only treasure! It will protect you against poison!”) but if the person resists, the skeleton will try to forcibly smash it on their brow.
      1. Once the crown is placed, the skeleton will regrow her flesh (she is a level 4 thief named Olma) and the person wearing the crown will instantly shed everything except their skeleton, be sucked into the metal coffin (it relocks), and hurled down the well. Olma will then explain that there is no point in killing her now, and explain how the tin crown works.
      2. The skeleton wearing the crown will be sucked back into the coffin as soon as they try to leave the room. The only way to get rid of the cursed crown is to put it on someone else's head, and pass the curse on to them. Once you have gotten rid of the curse, you can never again be recursed by it (no tag-backs).
      3. If the tin crown is ever transmuted into lead (the bee people in #24 and the chain devils in #76 are both accomplished alchemists and can make an oil that will do exactly this) the curse will be lifted and the crown will become a magic item that will allow you turn into a skeleton at will, or for a skeleton to regrow their flesh, but only as long as they wear the lead crown.
    84. Echo. In this cavernous room you will hear echoes of all the encounters they've had since entering the dungeon. See Note #2.
    85. Knapped Flint. A tribe of pygmies lives in the branches of a huge tree. They dart among the branches, hunting birds with flint spears and worshiping their guardian Slothocephalus (sort of a brontosaurus with a symbiotic sloth on its head—stompy feet and scythe claws). The pygmies are (relatively) friendly, but eating their fruit will cause the eater to shrink until they are the size of the pygmies themselves. The bird meat is delicious, but they are especially eager to taste owl. They through nightly ceremonies where they dance around a fire, dancing, drinking, banging on drums, while the slothocephalus nods along to the bead, clapping its hands.
    86. Spices. In this quaint (locked) house lives a grandmotherly mindflayer. That's an exaggeration, but she is old and no longer wants to fight. In her SPOTLESS kitchen a pygmy from #85 stands perfectly rigid, like a zombie. He is alive, but has been partially lobotomized. His skull has been neatly sawed around the equator (so neat that it isn't visible from across the room) and can be easily lifted off to reveal his half-eaten brain. The pygmy holds a tray containing a long-handled dessert spoon, a jar of nutmeg, and a crumpled cloth napkin.
      1. The rest of the kitchen contains a sink, a washbasin, a mahogany table with a neat stack of mag-johng tiles, some nice mid-western style chairs with cornflower blue cushions, and a stuffed parrot on a stand. An impressive spice rack above the sink contains an array of spices (saffron, mustard, black pepper, aril, cinnamon, cassia, cloves, turmeric, ginger, galingale, chili, curry, paprika, fenugreek, anise, basil, cilantro, coriander, cardomom, dill, fennel, garlic, hyssop, juniper, lavender, licorice, oregano, parsley, rosemary, sage, vanilla, and watercress). These are large amounts, and some of these spices are fairly rare, so the whole collection as a whole would be worth 1000g. If any spices are sprinkled atop the pygmy's brain, the pygmy will whisper the name of the spice, except for cinnamon which makes him scream uncontrollably and throw shit on the floor. If more than 3 spices are added to his brain, he will start frothing at the mouth.
      2. There's also a living room with a small library (all of the books are about domestic bullshit). If you look closely, the pillows on the couch are softly breathing. These are living pillows, and they are harmless (and made of fluffy meat, very light). Upstairs, you can hear the lady of the house walking around.
    87. Squid Beak. The house's owner is named Iolan, and she is a narrow-hipped old bird of a mind flayer. She is senile, and thinks that the PCs are there to bring her some more delicious pygmies and will call them all by the names of her friends, now long dead (“Maliquesh”, “Ithaquar”, “Elder Brain”). She keeps a bunch of gold coins under her mattress, and has a pearl-covered wedding dress in the closet, but those are her only treasures (except for the spice rack downstairs in #86). If the players ever do something completely aggressive, she will have a moment of clarity and attack them, but otherwise is quite harmless. If she is ever killed a mind flayer tadpole will pop out of her head and start shrieking and tearing around the room (same stats as a vorpal rabbit, except higher AC due to quickness) while it bites out PCs throats.
    88. Cage Door. A bunch of cages in this room, filled with signs of violence. A cage door lies by itself in the middle of this room, surrounded by a pool of blood. A dead man in a white gown lies here with a golden key (loot) jammed into each of his eyes. Another dead man, lies crumpled in a corner, missing his clothing and his shoes. His face has been torn off as if by a great claw. Bloody notebooks pile on the desk, many have been torn in half. They all say the same thing: “Well, there is one thing we could try. It's a new procedure. Well, there is one thing we could try. It's a new procedure. . . . ad infinitum”.
    89. Lilies. Portal from 61. In this grass-covered room, a ring of 16 lilies grow in a circle around a convex mirror 6' across. Fireflies flit through the air. This is a portal room (see Note #3), and if a candle (from #6 or #90) or obsidian pyramid (from #61) is ever placed in the center of the mirror, a portal will be opened to room #6 or #61, respectively. If there are less than 16 lilies here, the mirror will begin to grow cloudy and and the fireflies will begin to die. If there are less than 12 lilies, there is a chance for a mishap (again, see Note #3). Room #61 has a crocodile savant in it that may enter this room and attack if the portal is ever opened.
    90. Coal. These narrow tunnels appear to be the remains of a coal mine. Visible fire dancing along veins in the rock, where it has been burning for the last century. Soot sprites hide behind drills and shovels and picks, seeking mischief. One of them has a magic candle from room #6, and will use it to extinguish the party's torches. This is bad, since grues will quickly leach out of the coal seams once there is no light.
    91. Spider Milk. An abyss, spanned by huge spiderwebs. A trio of spider-gauchos lounge here, sitting on mushroom stools and drinking tequila containing an undead worm (still wriggling!). They smoke cigars and carry sabers, and of course, the tequila is highly flammable. They are course fellows but not unfriendly. If the party wants passage across the abyss, they'll sell a ride for a modest fee.
      1. Less obvious are their mounts, huge black and brown spiders that cling to the ceiling. If violence breaks out, the spiders will rush to the aid of their riders. The spider-gauchos use their mounts to herd their caterpillars across the spiderweb plain.
      2. If the party takes up the guachos offer to ride across the web, the guachos will offer them some fermented spider milk, which they have been carrying beneath their seats, letting the heat and the pounding from their bouncing saddles keep it from clotting. They will offer some to the most rugged-looking PC, but will not drink any themselves. It is not fully fermented, and tastes foul, but if a PC drinks it, they will first tease, then congratulate them on being a good sport, and then warn the PC against blowing the bog whistle in room #92, since that will summon the castle-giant that holds the sleeping Prince, and the giant likes to smash things.
    92. Bog Whistle. Blowing the whistle is a bad idea. It summons the Bog Giant, which is the climactic fight in this dungeon.
      1. He arrives in an iron carriage, long and tubular, pulled by two sturdy looking horses covered in spiked barding. The Bog Giant steps out (he's 10x larger than the carriage he rode in on), picks up the carriage, and uses it as a flail, with the horses as the spiked heads. The horses don't mind being whipped around, and will actually try to kick and bite as they go whirling past.
      2. The Bog Giant is here to smash things. It has no higher purpose. If defeated, the bog giant will sit down heavily, groan out, “Lord Prince, you haaaaave . . . guests.” and then sink into the bog as he turns into peat. He will leave behind the Inner Asylum, the original building.
      3. Rooms 93-104 take place inside the Inner Asylum, which is a slightly enlarged version of the normal asylum. While you are in the Inner Asylum you will find that they have been reduced in age and stature to that of a child (about 6-10 years old, for humans). Your stats don't change. Instead, all of the adults in the Inner Asylum have been upsized, so treat them as if they have the size of ogres (which they do, from the PC's perspective) and most of the items in the inner asylum as likewise sized up. All of your equipment turns into toy equipment (with the exact same functionalities) except for the wooden sword from #8, which will function like a longsword +3 that can shoot laser beams while in this area.
      4. Rooms 93-104 are effectively in a pocket dimension, with only one way in and out (the front door). Although the rooms has windows looking out into a sunny moor, none of the windows open. Breaking a window will reveal only a wall of black dirt, which will fall into the room, possibly crushing the person near the window, and destroying the rooms only light source. Holes in the wall function the same way.
    93. Finger nails. A colossal room, with wood paneled walls. The first thing you'll see is the receptionist. Nothing of her can be seen except for her two hands, huge (adult-sized) and well-cared for. Her fingernails have been painted red, and she files them down constantly and expertly, touching them up and reapplying the paint.
      1. On the desk she has a paperweight: an obsidian pyramid, 6” tall (although to the receptionist, it would be 3” tall).
      2. Remember that you are child-sized in an adult world, and all you can see of the receptionist is her giant fucking hands.
      3. She'll tell you that if you don't have an appointment, you'll have to sit in the Waiting Room (#94) until the doctor can see you.
      4. If you do sit and wait, the doctor will call for you in 14 months. This isn't that bad of a deal. Time will pass as normal on the outside world, but you will not hunger or thirst. You'll still age, but you'll be safe as long as you don't look under Mrs. Macay's chair. This might be a good time to study a book or grow a beard or something.
      5. If you decide to force your way past her, she will attack while shouting about protocol, and will reveal herself to be nothing more than a pair of giant, manicured hands.  She will slap and crush, and her shiny red nails will tear at you without mercy.
    94. Penny Dreadful. Woman sits here in a blue dress with a white bow at the collar, reading some sort of dreadfully banal novella. A picture on the wall shows a red-painted tavern amid a dusty plain. Another painting on the opposite wall depicts a scenic lightning storm over a red desert. The woman's name is Alena Macay, and she is reading a book.
      1. If you ask her what she is reading, she will want to read you an excerpt from her book, titled “A String of Pearls”. The excerpt is thus, (and tell the players to interrupt you when they've heard enough): “A marvelous creature, the hippopotamus is known to hunt it's prey by stealth, sliding along it's armored underbelly and entangling ambulatory victuals with a pair of prehensile tongues, which are quickly torn to shreds by the revolving planes of its head, and then regrow. The indigenous savages of the monsoon bog have devised a very clever method of hunting the hippo: they remove their skin by degrees and make a kite of it and use this device to scare the hippo into pseudosaccharine backwaters, where it wallows itself to death among the congealed brine of those brackish angles . . . Isn't that fascinating?”
      2. If asked, she will tell the party that her daughter is here, visiting the doctor about a headache. She should be out any minute now.
    1. In her purse are more penny dreadfuls and a an immaculately clean hatchet, 15” long.
    2. If asked about the axe, she will show genuine surprise, and laughingly suggest that it is just a toy, made out of wood. She will mock any attempts to persuade her that it is a real handaxe.
    3. Beneath her chair (and impossible to see, as it is shielded by the Mrs. Macay's dress, the sidewalls of the chair, and the wall behind her) is her daughter, hacked to pieces and killed with a hatchet blow to the forehead. If the party stays here for more than a few days, insects and vermin will begin to capitalize on the corpse.
    4. If her murdered daughter is ever pointed out to her, she will flip out and attack with the hatchet (it just teleports into her hands). She fights as a level 1 Fighter but has 100 hp, and will scream until her face has been hacked to a pulp, will swing the axe until her flesh has been flayed to ribbons (afterwards she attacks with bites and claws), and will fight until she is reduced to splintered bones.
    5. You might be able to get her to come with you into the rest of the hospital (a valuable Adult Escort!) if you kill the receptionist, but she will be sort of a one note cockatoo, always chiming in with how she is sure her daughter is fine. She will give you access to the office (#100) since she counts as an adult.
    1. Urn. A huge white room with curving white walls. 40' tall and bulging in the middle. The urn is the room. If you take the lid off the urn, a giant will take the lid off the room AND THE GIANT IS YOU. If you look into the urn, you can see the group gathered around the urn, and inside that smaller urn, an even smaller group, and so on and so on, all the way down.
      1. If you pick someone else up and place them beside the urn, they will now be about 2” tall.
      2. If you pick yourself up, you will die as you are accelerated up and out of all existence by the chain of ever-larger, ever-stronger yous.
      3. If you put something in the urn, a giant version will be deposited from the ceiling. Putting a coin into the urn will result in (your) giant hand putting a giant coin into the room. You can put lots of stuff into the urn, but putting in a potion will just result in a 1 dose of a potion that is really big and dilute, not 1000 doses of the same potion. Putting in gemstones is fun, but honestly, no one has enough money to buy a diamond the size of a watermelon.
      4. The mouth of the urn is about 3” wide, or 10' wide, depending on whether you are talking about the room-urn or the vase-urn.
      5. Picking up the urn has no effect on the relative gravity (thank god), so you can shake the urn to your heart's content.
      6. You can even carry the urn out of the dungeon with you, and use it to store cigarette butts or candy or something. It's a lot less useful if you aren't standing in the room yourself, but if you ever find a way to shrink yourself down to 2” and jump in, it will serve as a portable entrance to the dungeon.
      7. It's fairly easy to break the universe with this urn. If you can't figure out what it would do after drawing a diagram, assume that it breaks the universe and everyone dies. Things like pouring water into the urn will create an ever-expanding, ever accelerating ocean of water that will quickly explode this part of the dungeon.
      8. If the urn is ever broken, this room will be replaced with a matte black darkness filled with howling wind. It can still be navigated, and the door to room #96 can still be reached, but anyone failing their Str checks to cling to the carpet (the only former element of the room to remain) will be whisked away into the outer darkness.
    2. Talisman. Here is a hippo, floating serenely in a tank containing a bunch of platinum coins on the bottom as well as a mithril diver's suit (treat as plate mail that grants water breathing) that is currently home to a sea snake (poison save or die). Around the hippo's neck is a talisman belt that grants immunity to snake poisons and if eaten, will function as a remove curse. The part that has to be swallowed is a copper and iron talisman of a hippo, about 2” across. It will never come back out your mouth and must be pooped out (but can be reused!)
      1. If you allowed the woman in #94 to read to you, everything that she said will be true. Instead of a fat, placid thing, the hippo will be a horrible devouring thing with a head the vibrates like a nest of helicopter blades and polyarticulated nightmare legs that pierce the anguished skin of reality, allowing it to fly through the air like a goddam razor parade, while flapping, empty-eyed skinkites dart through their air, looking at you with their vacant soulless eyes like great ghastly bedsheets, looking for a way to force their slippery fingers past your teeth so they can fill you up with their emptiness, all while the black syrup produced by refining the freshest native American burial grounds oozes from the walls and dances up to your feet like a liquid puppy seeking its dinner.
      2. Depending on how far you let the woman read, of course.
      3. Honestly, the best idea is probably to just let the hippo chase you back to the urn room and then pick it up out of the urn, where it will then be 5” long instead of 15'.
    3. Game Piece. This is a playroom. There are toy dinosaurs and a toy train and a dollhouse (sized for 2” people) and a bunch of marbles (one of them is actually a nonmagical glass eye). There is also a home-made board game here that has been drawn in crayon, shakily titled “Going Home”. It has a single game piece atop it (the same one that is wanted by the ghosts in #6).
      1. There is a little girl named Miranda laying on the couch. She is wrapped up in heavy cloth like a pappoose (or like a super-straightjacket) so that she is just a bundle wrapped up without arms or legs. She will complain about how all the other children got to go play in the Moor, but she had to say here an account of her condition. She wants someone to take off her wrapping so she can go play, even though the doctors said not to. If a player undoes all the buckles and straps that keep her bundled up, all of her organs will slide onto the floor because she has no skin or skeleton, and she will die.
    4. Forgotten ring. This is a hydrotherapy room, and it has buckets and pallets and hoses and tubs. A small stove heats water in a metal bucket, which can then be added to the baths manually. This room has two private hot tub rooms. One is open and the little slider in the door reads 'available'. The other is locked and the little slider in the door reads 'occupied'.
      1. The empty hot tub room contains a hot tub (always pleasantly hot!), a showercap, and a 2 nice towels with gold thread trim (worth 5g each).
      2. The occupied hot tub room contains another magic hot tub, a stool, a bunch of women's clothing hung on pegs, and a small metal stand with a wedding ring on top (huge diamond, worth 3000g). If anyone enters the room, a pink ooze will burst out of the tub and attack.
      3. Both of the magic tubs have the exact same powers.
        1. If you sit in one for 10 minutes, you will heal 1d6 damage and all the dirt will dissolve off.
        2. If you sit in one for 20 minutes, you'll heal to full and your hair will be shiny.
        3. If you sit in one for 30 minutes, you'll become permanently immune to diseases and all the dead skin will dissolve off, leaving you with a perfect complexion (no acne, either).
        4. If you sit in one for 40 minutes, you'll dissolve into the water and turn into a horrible pink ooze.
    5. Pearls. This hallway has a tiled floor, six doors, a window overlooking the moors, and a small trash can. Someone has spilled a string of pearls here (53 small pearls worth 100g each, 6 large pearls worth 300g each, there's also a black string with a silver cross attached in the trashcan nearby, worth 25g), which are scattered around, but 4 of them have gathered on top of a drain.
      1. There are also 6 identical hospital rooms here. Single bed, white starchy sheets, nightstand, with a bunch of fresh-cut lilies on in a vase. They are all empty except for the last one, which contains a very sick boy named Yorick. He is too sick to rise from bed, but he wishes he could go play on the moor with the other children. They're playing a game called Castle, and today they were going to vote on who gets to be prince. Yorick will apologize, but he can't play now, but please come back tomorrow, since he might be feeling better then and he always appreciates visitors.
    6. Careful remembrance. The doors to this room are flanked by a pair of filing cabinets. When you approach, the fogged glass in the center of the door will form a man's face and say, “I'm sorry, little ones, but this is just an office. It's where grownups do their paperwork. Come on, I'll bring you back to bed.”
      1. If the PCs allow themselves to be led back to bed, a vaporous figure will materialize out of the doorway and drift down the hallway. It has no legs (just mist) but still makes sharp footsteps as it flies, as if wearing hard-soled shoes.
      2. If you fuck with the door or start misbehaving, the foggy doctor will just turn into a belkar and start invading your lungs (he only does non-lethal damage!) and the two file cabinets will come to life, hopping around and banging like holyfuckthatsloud, shooting out papers that will circle you up like shinto magicians in anime that shoot paralysis bolts and also deal non-lethal damage. They do a lot of damage, but at least they can't kill you.
      3. If they knock you all out, you'll wake up strapped to the beds in #99 while an IV restores all of your wounds.
      4. The office contains a bunch of papers, but you can look up the entire history of the hospital, and the history of all its patients.
      5. If you know what you are looking for: “Peter Lazulan, admitted on so-and-so date, leukemia, he got a little sick but never got REALLY sick, which was unexpected; a few months later he fell and hit his head while playing with the other children on the moor and fell into a coma. He has no chance of recovery, and so the discussion of what to do with his life support will be put for discussion with the mother and the doctors “tomorrow”. . .'
    7. Mourning. The walls of this room are made out of black cloth, just like the floors and ceiling. A belt circles the room, held there by belt loops. On the north wall, a priest's head sticks out of the cloth, regarding the room over a white starched collar. From the east wall his left arm emerges, with a black glove and a rosary. From the west wall his right arm emerges, holding a bible. The priest is delivering a eulogy for someone who has not died. A boy, who fell and hit his head while playing a game in the moors, falling off a rock. The boy has slipped into a coma, and soon they will take him off life support and he will die.
      1. While the priest talks, you can see the next room through his open mouth. It looks like a brightly lit church. He will lecture you about the fragility of life and the innocence of children.
      2. The most direct way into the next room is to kill the priest and chop up his face (his cloth-covered body walls actually obscure a full-size doorway), but this is tough because he will fight with holy word, dictum, power word jesus, and a bunch more black-gloved hands that shoot out of the walls.
      3. The more subtle way is to prove to the priest that you are devout catholics like him. Reassembling the broken rosary from room #99 will go a long way to doing this. (What, you've never counted the beads on a rosary? Godless heathens can also look at the rosary in the priest's hand if they want a model.)
    8. Pins. This is where they do the abortions for all the unwed teen mothers that get brought here. You can tell from the big metal chair with the stirrups and the little metal stand with the forceps and the speculum and the little saw. A freezer dominates the back end of the room, and when you enter a bunch of fetuses will pop out, dragging umbilical cords and placentas, and try to bite you. The placentas are delicious and nutrious and heal HP.
    9. Bells. This room appears to be the inside of a church, with long rows of pews and red carpet, wood paneled walls, and all sorts of stone angels looking down into the room. A couple of confessionals are in one back corner, and a priest's room is in the other. It does look like it's set up for a wedding, but there are no guests. Three big bells hang over the altar. The back wall is a stained window depicting a hospital on a moor.
      1. There is a woman here, astride a white unicorn. She is wearing white mithril platemail and a bride's veil. She's beautiful and has a magic sword. She also spouts a lot of boxed text.
      2. Her name is Princess Valeria. She was dreamed into life by a boy she calls Prince Lazlulan, who was betrothed to. She has since wandered around this place, and now believes that it is all a dream concocted by the boy who lies sleeping in the back room.
      3. She believes that the boy has a divine parent.
      4. She loves him with all her heart, even though she knows that she was merely invented this way. Does the intention of her origin somehow invalidate her feelings? Really, is her mind less valid because she is the product of a 9-year-old-boy's dreams?
      5. She is a paladin, and Prince Lazulan invented her to save him from the hospital. Princess Valeria herself has many memories of rescuing the Prince from dragons, liches, giant frogs, bee people, all sorts of things. She knows these memories are “false” but doesn't care, since they are at least as real as the memories in anyone else's heads.
      6. She will beg the party to please leave her in peace to stand her lonely vigil over her beloved Prince. She has resigned herself to this fate. She doesn't want to fight them, and she will give you all the the treasure that she has if the PCs will promise to do what they can to make sure that the outside world never disturbs this place.
      7. Her Treasure: Golden Circlet that shines a lot of light and blasts undead like a generic paladin piece of shit unoriginal treasure. Unicorn whistle has a good chance to summon a unicorn that will probably just run away again when it sees you aren't a virgin. Her engagement band, which gives you crazy powers when you are fighting in the defense of the person you love.
      8. She will NEVER allow you past her into the Prince's room unless she is convinced that you CAN and Will heal her prince. “We have a cleric and he can cast heal” doesn't cut it. The dying boy needs goddamn miracle level healing.
      9. If you end up fighting her, she has super-paladin powers and you unicorn kicks a lot of ass, too. Her words will wither everyone who isn't good-aligned and she can make herself immune to damage for 2 rounds 1/day.
    10. Cord. This is Peter Lazulan. He lies in a hospital bed, with a lot of IVs going into his arm. He wears a tin crown and is frightfully pale. His thin chest goes slowly up and down. If you touch him with hand weapon, radiant light will fly up and threaten to blast you out of existence (so stabbing him doesn't work). He is a nine-year-old demigod, trapped forever in his own unconsciousness, forever dying and and forever unable to die.
      1. If you unplug his IV, his breathing will slow, then stop. He will die. The dungeon will begin melting, and you will have 10 minutes to get out of there before it crushes you into nothingness.
      2. Miracles might be able to heal him. But casting miracle will require a sacrifice. One of the PCs has to die (irrevocably) so that Prince Lazulan may live.
      3. Going and doing a quest for whatever god of healing you have in your campaign will probably also work.
      4. If you do manage to heal him, he will be a nine-year-old demigod who owes you a big favor, so spend it wisely. But know that he has knowledge of everything you did in the House of Hours (since it is all inside his mind). Hopefully you didn't kill his imaginary girlfriend.
    Weather in the Moor
    1 – Clear night sky, sickly purple/pink stars, pale blue moon
    2 – Cloudy night sky, diffuse moon
    3 – thick fog
    4 – storm is coming, whipping winds, NPCs running for cover
    5 – cold rain, torrential
    6 – clean snow, even snow drifts, every snowflake identical

    Children's hospitals are the saddest things ever :(


    The Hybrid Dungeon

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    This is the result of a long (looong) series of emails with one of my friends about dungeon design.

    He makes the argument that having a linear (or at least, minimally branching) dungeon allows for fewer arbitrary decisions and more GM control over how the encounters develop.

    He's got a point.

    Unscripted encounters sometimes suck because they are so random, and scripted encounters can be pretty epic when done right.

    I mean, we're all familiar with the maze-like dungeon that has a set-piece lich encounter at the end that always unfolds the same way. We use a linear presentation for liches and epic shit in dungeons even though we use random encounters throughout the rest of the dungeon, because we always want the lich to be epic.

    It's a conservative choice, though.  The scripted lich is usually pretty cool, but the most epic encounters I've ever had have resulted from the collision of random tables.  But I guess DMs don't want to risk their final encounter relying too much on a random encounter.




    Anyway, I wrote this.  I expect it to be at least a little bit controversial, and that's fair.  I'm still rolling over some of these ideas, and I have yet to put a lot of them into practice.




    How Organic-Random-Variable Should a Dungeon Experience Be?

    I.
    This relies on the assumption that organic, random, and variable are all the same thing.  Organic dungeons lean on simulationist ideas of construction (instead of gamist), and as such, tend to be laid out with lots of many ways to enter, exit, and travel through them, because forts often have many ways to enter and have few linear parts.  Many loops.  Many ways to enter the dungeon.  Because there are so many ways to move through the dungeon, there will also be a lot of variability for how players experience the dungeon.  Some groups will have a much easier time than others, simply by getting lucky in choosing which way to go.  So organic dungeons are correlated with more random experiences, which are inherently more variable.

    II.
    Purely organic dungeons can suck for a variety of reasons.  They can be confusing.  They can be too easy.  They can be too hard.  They can be difficult to balance.  

    But these are all symptoms of bad organic dungeons. Because they tend to make more internal sense within the game world, players can use more common sense when navigating them, instead of relying more on DM explanation. And they are not random. Players that think before charging in will have a better chance of finding pathways more amenable to their goals. Excessive branching can be cut down, and extraneous branches can be filled with easy encounters or non-damaging encounters, so that players aren't unfairly depleted when their reach the boss. Keys and chokepoints can be used to cut down the variability of a dungeon path, so that the "easiest" and "hardest" paths are comparable.

    III. 
    Organic dungeons have many advantages, too.  Because they are based more on simulationist concerns and less on gamist concerns, they react better to unforeseen stresses.  Like when the players decide to siege, flood, infiltrate, or sabotage the dungeon and its denizens.  They are also able to react more appropriately when players attempt unusual strategies that the designer did not foresee.  By including organic considerations like where the dungeon inhabitants eat, sleep, and excrete, the players have more options to formulate effective outside-the-box plans.  (Attempts to poison their water supply always fail if there is no water supply, for example.)

    IV.
    But there is no reason why a dungeon should be hobbled to a commitment of being purely organic.  Consider a hybrid dungeon, that contains both scripted and organic elements.

    The hybrid dungeon has a well designed set of paths through it.  These are the most obvious ways to navigate the dungeon to any goals within it.  These are balanced, fair, and fun.  These are the orthodox pathways, and they should be readily available to the players who attempt them.  This should be a complete dungeon, and it should be fun and awesome, and not lacking in any way.  A player should be able to play through the orthodox dungeon happily and successfully.  It will have branches, but these will be designed so that either (a) the player usually knows when they are choosing a side passage instead of the direct route to their goal, or (b) short enough and not so brutal that the dungeon will become unwinnable if the player chooses all the non-direct passages.

    Around this orthodox core, we should build the shadow dungeon.  These are the things that are not obvious to players.  In fact, many of the players will not discover or even care about some parts of the dungeon.  These are the secret passages and subtle shit.  These are there to reward players who look for lateral solutions to things, who would rather interrogate than fight directly, or would rather step off the well-scripted core of the orthodox dungeon and get into a more chaotic dungeon.  The shadow dungeon will usually make the dungeon a little easier, but not always.  If a player spends time and resources finding a way to climb onto the roof, they should (usually) be compensated for their good sense and hard work.  The important thing is that the shadow dungeon is neither necessary nor obvious.  In a way, it's not part of the dungeon at all.  It's anticipating the players will want to hack the game, twist the rules, and look for an easier solution.  The shadow dungeon is there because the designer anticipates the the players will attempt to hack the dungeon, and has considered them when designing the dungeon.  In this way, the shadow dungeon is a dungeon of contingencies.

    Remember that the shadow dungeon is not always physical rooms the way the orthodox dungeon it.  The shadow dungeon is putting in considerations for what happens if the party allows themselves to be taken prisoner, or decides to look for a map in town, or decides to parachute onto the roof.  It is simply anticipating that players will try to hack your dungeon, and planning ahead in a way where good ideas are (usually) rewarded.

    The shadow dungeon is necessary because some groups will always look to jump off the tracks that you have laid for them. If they spend time and effort looking for a way to circumvent the orthodox blockade you've put in front of them, they should find one.  Yes, this does mean that it takes more work to design a dungeon.  But certain players will look for shortcuts and hacks, and it is better for the designer to plan for these things than for the DM to scramble to improvise when the unexpected happens.  Remember that not all parts of the shadow dungeon are easier than the orthodox equivalents. They might be much more deadly, but that is the risk you take when you decide to do a gamble such as allowing yourself to be taken prisoner.

    And lastly, around the orthodox dungeon and the shadow dungeon, we place an organic wrapper.  These are the toilets, grain stores, and the ecologies that allow dungeons to function when players stress the dungeon in ways that no one could have predicted.  Hopefully.

    Sister Witches and Monastic Wizards

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    Wizards and Witches

    In Centerra, men and women are equally adept at magic. However, attitudes towards women and magic use vary across the continent (most of which is dominated by the Church). These attitudes usually take one or more of the following forms:
    • Danger: Magic is dangerous and women will incompetently endanger themselves and/or others.
    • Immoral: Magic is corrupting and women will all become evil thralls to demons.
    • Burn the witch!
    In truth, magic is dangerous and corrupting, and male wizards explode their heads, unleash horrible psychoplasmic plagues, and become skin-cars for demons with alarming frequency. Just the same, these prejudices are enacted against women with both communal shunning (in the east) and state-ordained executions (parts of the west).

    A few wizards are aware that women are just as capable as men.

    So, men are called wizards, and this is a term of prestige, power, and respect.
    And women are called witches, and this is a term of fear and loathing.

    A few women take to calling themselves wizards, with varying degrees of success. This usually involves lying about where they were trained. In a few rare cases, women have successfully gotten educations in wizard colleges or monasteries, always by disguising their gender. Wizards hate being tricked and will usually invest a lot of effort into making sure the witch is discredited, exiled, imprisoned, or executed for crimes against magic.

    Digression: lots of people suffer under the tyranny of wizard institutions, not just the women who dare pay for an education there (wizarding colleges require shit-fuck-tons of money, wizarding monasteries usually require familial links and/or years of service).

    So, wizards have rich traditions with rich, old institutions. Portraits of the last 50 headmasters hang in the halls. That sort of shit. They have libraries with thousands of spells (mostly variations).

    Monastic wizard enclaves function pretty much the same way, except that they retreat from the world instead of entangling themselves in it.

    And witches struggle to get any sort of tradition going. They have no libraries, small repertoires of spells, and only oral histories.

    However, there is a lot of evidence that show that the most powerful spellcasters in the world have been women. Zandara the Magnificent disappeared the city of Bastoc, a feat that has never been replicated or even approached (although her detractors will point out that she studied at the College of the August Star in the middle of her illustrious career). And Ozur the Unscarred dueled every wizard she came across, and never lost a single one (although she was a pretty amoral character, and is pretty directly responsible for a lot of the evil witch stereotypes). And Yalys the Shaper created over a dozen life forms during her life, in a time when that was thought to be impossible. Even now, teams of wizards labor for years to create a single, viable organism.

    Because of the way that magical talent is sought after and recognized in boys, girls are more likely to become sorceresses.

    Digression: When a person is filled with magical talent but never given the opportunity to exercise it, the magic sometimes overflows, burning out their ability to control what spells they can cast. This is what a sorcerer is. Pure sorcerers can only cast a single spell (determined at random), but they can cast it many times per day. They may eventually learn to cast many variations of that spell, but they will never be able learn the variety of spells that wizards go. For them, it is not a cerebral event, but an organic, gut-churning, orgasmic experience.

    Digression, cont.: Wizards don't like sorcerers because they are consistently overpowered by them. (Sorcerers get a bonus to caster level.) The only humanoids with more spellcasting power are the elves (let's not even get started on them). Because of the way sorcerous talents emerge, nearly all sorcerers are young people with mild brain damage, usually manifesting as poor impulse control. They tend to go mad. Some of them kill a lot of people. Very few live very long.

    possibly a wizard
    Covens and Stuff

    Covens are partly social things.  They're a secret community, and if a coven sticks around long enough, they usually end up being based on either (a) family or group of families, or (b) a bunch of women in a singular profession.  Aside from a bunch of old ladies teaching their granddaughters how to turn snakes into rabbits (or curse people), there's also just a bunch of women hanging out, eating food, and shooting the shit.

    Digression: For comparison, a big chunk of colleges are just young men experimenting with drugs and alternative sexualities, and a big chunk of wizard monasteries is sweeping floors and fasting.

    In the countryside, towns who discover a coven in their midst usually try to disband it using social pressures. Neighborly surveillance, friendly interventions, loss of the meeting place, husbands pleading with their wives “You've got to stop meeting with those. . . witches! What if the paladins found out? I don't want anything to happen to you. I love you.”

    Small towns might have more understanding views of witches, though.  Sure, you're surprised when your 17-year old daughter fires off a magic missile, but if she did it to stop the guy who was robbing your shop, bully for her!

    Townsfolk are very rarely stupid/cruel enough to do the whole torches and pitchforks thing. If things escalate, they'd rather just go to a city and contact a college or the Church.

    Major cities have colleges, and when they find out about about witch covens, this is what usually happens: A bunch of wizards and guards show up at the witch's house during dinnertime. They round them up, see if the witches have developed any spells that they don't already have in their files (they often do), throw the ringleaders in jail, and fine the rest.

    Darker colleges will have a heremancer or two among their ranks, and these scary dudes will perform a barancation (drilling holes in the crown of the head, pouring some stuff inside, casting some spells) and burn out a witch's ability to cast spells forever.

    Then they do the jail thing.

    Monastic wizard enclaves will usually do pretty much the same thing, but minus the city guard and with a few more shaven-headed acolytes.

    Witch Hunters (The Third Lantern of the Church of Hesaya, mostly paladins but also other types of specialists) like to catch the witches in the act. Kick down the door. Witches who make a fuss are killed. The other ones are rounded up and put on trial. The worst offenders are burnt at the stake. The others are also burnt at the stake unless their families can pay their fail/fee (most of which goes to the Church), and then the surviving witches go to Angelmar where they can atone for their sins in person, in front of the Godhead. Then they go on probation for the rest of their lives.

    Lots of people don't like the witch hunters, because they've killed a lot of people's grandmas, mothers, and sisters. This often extends to paladins, who are often met with distrust. No one likes a cop at the reunion when grandma is smoking weed out back without a license.

    Digression: If these paladins sound like assholes to you, remember that their unswerving morales are also their greatest virtue. These are the same guys who charge into fight demons when normal men shit their pants and go mad. These are the paladins who unhesitatingly throw themselves into the jaws of death to protect their part of the world. (Don't fuck with them.) They're probably too uncompromising to make good PCs in most games (but there are other orders of more reasonable paladins if a player still wants to play a holy knight).

    Also don't forget that there are plenty of evil witches, plague covens, corrupt colleges, and diabolical wizard towers. Everyone has a right to be evil!  Huzzah!

    the snake is also a wizard

    Gender and Roleplaying in Centerra

    It's no fun to play a woman in a game if the DM uses fantasy prejudices to shit all over you. That sucks.

    But I believe that gender issues should not be excluded in a setting, because (a) your group can just choose to ignore them, (b) sexism is interesting, and fantasy sexism potentially much more so, (c) it brings up questions of morality, which can lead to interesting discussions (although your group may prefer black and white morality (“all orcs are evil”) which can be great because it allows your group to go straight to the part with the unambiguous heroism)

    So if a player wants to play a witch, it shouldn't be a big deal. Adventurers are already sketchy people who smell like blood and carry too many weapons. No one trusts then anyway. Only after they save the town will they go from “those murderers, thieves, and witches who probably want to steal our gold and bugger our horses” to “those murderers, thieves, and witches who might be sort of okay”.

    this is actually probably tokyo.  unrelated to wizards
    Perspective

    The terms “college” and “university” are synonymous with schools of wizardry (a university is a collection of colleges), but these huge institutions usually exert their tentacles into all sorts of other worldly affairs, from politics to finance to warfare. So “military college” = “military college of wizardry”. The idea of going to college and learning non-magic stuff is unheard-of.

    The wizards of Shar are also experimenting with allowing a few women into their wizarding colleges (which teach non-wizarding topics, too! Like mathematics! How insane!) But everyone knows that Shar is pretty batshit anyway, and is probably going to be overrun by sexual deviants and orcs any day now.

    At the edge of the map, on the next continent over, the women of Basharna and Abasinia suffer no such prejudices, and learn magic freely alongside the men. (However, wizardry is very different over there, since it is wedded tightly with religion, and is seen as only a small part of the religious powers of the temples.)

    even you are a wizard
    Demographics
    Male magic-users outnumber their female counterparts, and they are vastly more visible.

    Male Magic-Users
    70% Monastic Wizards (learned in a monastic enclave)
    20% Hedge Wizards (usually an apprentice to a single teacher, but possibly self-taught)
    10% Meltherian Wizards (learned in Meltheria, a magocracy of fashionable, flashy wizard colleges)

    Female Magic-Users
    70% Hedge Witches (usually an apprentice to a single teacher, but possibly self-taught)
    20% Coven Witches (belongs to a secret coven in a city with familial membership)
    10% Mystery Cult Witch (product of the gynomantic mystery cults in Abasinia/Basharna)

    I actually have no context for this picture and I'm okay with that

    Wizard Observances and Schools

    Every wizard is part of a school. This is not just a theme of magic that they abide by. It is a philosophy, way of life, and a set of weird rules that wizards must practice if they wish to maintain their spooky powers.

    Gamewise, this has three effects:
    1. Spell list. Wizard spells not on their spell list take 2 slots or cost 2 MP.  Level 1 wizard spellbooks contain 1d3 spells from their level 1 list, rolled randomly.
    2. Observances. These are taboos and practices that a wizard must abide by. Failure to follow observances causes loss of powers for days (minor) or months (major).
    3. Unique Power. Every school has at least one of these. They are magic powers, but they are not spells. Every school guards these things jealously.
    senior year wizard thesis: look what I can do
    Arrgaghgleblaidontwanttowritehistoryontopofallthis

    Here are two sample monastic orders of wizards to show what I'm talking about.

    They used to be one order, called the Order of the Red Hand, then bad shit happened and they split up into two groups: The White Hands and the Black Hands. Now they regard each other as rivals.  

    A few crazy fucks are always trying to restore the glory of the Red Hand, but the White Hand and Black Hand always team up to stop them, like clashing cop duos that argue a lot but always get the bad guy in the end.

    The Red Hand wasn't "Evil", but the guys trying to restore it always are, because jingoism.

    Anyway, the White and Black Hand wizards have their own monastic enclaves and communities and rich traditions that I don't want to rewrite now.  Let's just get to the good part.

    elves are intentionally OP in Centerra
    Wizards of the White Hand

    The Wizards of the White Hand have the ability to cure injuries, wither limbs, and empower the flesh. Their most famous power is the ability to touch a person and then cast a spell on them later on, over great distance.

    They wear no uniform, but they traditionally wear a white circle, whether it is a design on their tunic, a white earring, a white belt, or something else. They go shirtless when they can.
    They drink alcohol in moderation and take wives, but do not eat meat. They will free slaves, pets, and mounts whenever they can, and do not use these things themselves. They steal, earn, or find, but they never give nor accept gifts. Attempting to give one a gift or do him a favor is the foulest of insults. Nothing is free, they will neither accept nor give hospitality without payment. They have a reputation for being unsympathetic. 

     They answer to no law save their own.
    • Must wear white circle unless matter of life and death.
    • Cannot eat meat.
    • Cannot use slaves, pets, or mounts. (Unless that animal can talk, agree, and be paid.)
    • Cannot give or accept gifts. Hospitality must be reciprocated.
    • Can touch a creature and create a link with them. If the linked creature is the only target of a spell, you may choose spend the link and ignore any range limits of the spell, up to 10 miles per wizard level. You can only have 1 link at at time, and can dispel your old one with a thought.
    White Hand Wizards use their link ability to cure allies at a distance, ensure loyalty among their servants, and send messages.

    Level 1 Order of the White Hand Spells
    1. Cure Light Wounds
    2. Detect Magic
    3. Endure Elements
    4. Light
    5. Magic Missile
    6. Mighty Thews*
    7. Olfactorial Revelation*
    8. Pain*
    9. Necrography*
    10. Vigor*
    11. Vivigraphy*
    12. White Hand*
    Mighty Thews
    Touched target treats their Strength bonus as 1 point higher when calculating weapon damage. Lasts 1 hour/level.

    Olfactorial Revelation
    Caster has an unbelievable sense of smell. Doesn't allow you to identify things you haven't smelled before. Lasts 1 minute/level.

    Pain
    Touched target saves or takes 2d6 psychic damage. Only works on things that feel pain.

    Necrography
    Touched corpse is compelled to answer 1 question (like speak with dead). This is the flesh body answering, not the mind. The body will answer honestly, but flesh bodies technically see/hear/experience everything the living body does, but they only remember things that involve food, sex, pain, adrenaline responses, and stuff like that. Usually the corpse will talk using it's normal mouth, but it may also communicate the response in other ways. It's always understandable, although sometimes a bit cryptic.

    Vigor
    Touched creature has it's maximum HP increased by 1/level. Lasts 6 hours.

    Vivigraphy
    As Necrography, except it works on living bodies. It's pretty funny when you ask a person's body a question and they clench their mouth to avoid answering—sometimes the answer is spelled out as freckles across their forehead. Sometimes they just fart it out.

    White Hand
    One of the caster's hands becomes as hard and durable as steel. It doesn't become any heavier, so it doesn't do any extra damage if you use it for karate chops or punches. You can't bend it, so it's stuck in the same shape as when you cast it. But you can stick it in fire and it won't burn. You can even use it to parry sword blows (as a shield, +1 to AC). Lasts 1 minute/level.

    this guy is too weird looking to be a warrior.  probably a wizard.  or bard, I guess.
    Wizards of the Black Hand

    The Black Hand has illusions, things that affect the mind, and power over wood. Their most famous ability is the power to see through a wooden likeness of themselves that they carve.

    They wear a uniform (a black tunic with triangular shoulderpads) and bathe every day. They carry soap, and if water is not available, they will cover their body in olive oil and scrape the dirt off with a sea shell. They eat meat that was killed humanely, but do not drink alcohol nor take wives. They tolerate slaves, pets, and mounts, and do not use slaves or pets. If they have a horse, they are exceptionally kind to it.

    Every Black Hand Wizard considers themselves noble, and this pride is part of the source of their power. They must be addressed respectfully (“sir”, “lord”, “master”). If you fail this small token of respect, they are obligated to destroy you. This is not always due to arrogance on their part, it is simply part of the ordinances that they must observe to practice their magic. Many of them sigh as they explain that you must apologize for your insult, or they will regretfully have to destroy you.  Their humility is (sometimes) sincere.

    They answer to no law save their own.
    • Must wear black robe with triangular shoulderpads unless matter of life and death.
    • Must bathe every day.
    • Cannot drink alcohol or have sex.
    • Must deliver vengeance to all you insult you and refuse to apologize.
    • Can carve your likeness into wood. Must look exactly like you. Thereafter, you can close off your other senses and see/hear/feel/smell/taste through your wooden visage as if you were actually inhabiting the wood, up to 10 miles per wizard level. This cannot be dispelled, and you must destroy your old visage if you want to create a new one.
    Black Hand Wizards use this to create a “security camera” in their homes. Sometimes they put their faces on a staff and use it to peek around corners. Sometimes they'll carve a whole body one while in prison, send it to a whore house, and then send money for “conjugal visits” at a distance. Sometimes they drop their visage into a swamp, and are sad for the rest of their life because all they can sense through it is darkness and cold water and they can't destroy it to make a new one.

    Level 1 Order of the Black Hand Spells
    1. Audible Illusion*
    2. Black Hand*
    3. Charm Person
    4. Detect Magic
    5. Detect Illusion*
    6. Dendrigraphy*
    7. Fog*
    8. Magic Missile
    9. Protection From Evil
    10. Read Magic
    11. Sleep
    12. Woodbend*
    Audible Illusion
    Creates whatever sounds you want to make. Can be as loud as 4 rowdy dwarves or a couple of lions. Range is 100', duration is Concentration or 1 min/level, whichever is shorter.

    Black Hand
    One of your arms turns invisible.  You get an illusory arm on the same side that you can control freely, but it can't appear to do anything your arm couldn't normally do (like turn into a cannon).  Small things that you hold in your invisible arm (up to dagger size) are also invisible.  If you cast this twice, you'll have two invisible arms.  Lasts 1 min/level.

    Detect Illusion
    Allows you to see if something is an illusion. Works on all the senses. If there is something invisible, you can see where it is, but it is just a blurry, undifferentiated blob to your vision, so you probably can't identify it.

    Dendrigraphy
    Allows you to ask a single question of a tree that you touch. Answer appears in letters on the trunk (permanent until the tree grows new bark). Trees know a good bit about weather and have a great sense of time, but they have a hard time differentiating between animals, except by size. They also gossip among themselves, and may have news from distant parts.

    Fog
    You breath out a bunch of fog. Everything up to 30' out from you is pea soup.

    Woodbend
    Like warp wood, but must touch object to cast it. A bit of wood bends or unbends, as if warped by wood. Straight doors can be warped and stuck. Warped doors can be straightened and unstuck. Wooden-hafted weapons will get -2 to hit while all bent up.

    i bet you think this is a wizard
    If I ever do end up running an adventure in Centerra (Land of Flowers, yoblintown), these will be valid choices at character creation.

    Monastic wizard schools are so numerous that I figure they're sort of like orbital gods in ASE.  If a player wants to invent one, they can.  My only requirement is that they have to stick a couple of unrelated themes together.  The world is too big for one order of wizards to be THE pyromancers.

    Dirtsimple Dungeonsquads

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    I was playing around with the idea of DMing a dungeon for a single player.
    The idea is that the player controls a squad of 4 characters (fighter, cleric, thief, wizard)
    The rules are cut down to a dirt simple interpretation, so the (a) the player doesn't have to worry about too much stuff and (b) hopefully the player can get through a small dungeon in a single session.



    Simplifications I've Made

    You have no ability scores.

    HP and Armor are both folded into HP.
    (fighters have more HP because they can wear better armor.)

    Weapon damage and attack bonus have been folded into Damage.
    All attacks hit, but the damage is a bit variable.
    Damage is based on class, not weapon type.

    Saves, Checks, Combat Manuvers are usually against DC 11.
    Usually, you get +0 or +5 to these checks.



    Ideas
    -I sorta had tournament-style play in mind when I wrote these.
    -These might also be suitable for teaching children or babies or something.
    -If you want a better simulation of low-level DnD, cut all the HP totals in half.
    -If you want to include miss chances, just say that whenever a damage die rolls max damage, it does no damage instead or something.




    DIRTSIMPLE DUNGEONSQUAD RULES v0.000001

    Fighter
    HP 16
    Dmg 1d8 melee 1d8 ranged
    Save +5 vs poison and disease
    Fighter has +5 to do combat maneuvers (DC is usually 11)
    1/day, whenever the fighter would be killed from combat damage, he instead survives with 1 HP.
    Note: the fighter sinks in water and drowns unless he makes a saving throw.
    Inventory: Torch, 2 day rations, 1 day waterskin, bedroll, 50' rope, grappling hook, grease, 10gp.
    Weapons: Longsword, Bow.

    Cleric
    HP 14
    Dmg 1d8 melee 1d4 ranged
    Save +5 vs death and shadow
    Cleric can cast 4 spells a day from the following list. He doesn't have to prepare beforehand.
    1. Heal        Heal as Rest or grant a new save vs Poison.
    2. Remove Curse +5 vs DC (usually 11), cannot be reattempted if failed.
    3. Bless Everyone does +1 damage for this combat.
    4. Channel Energy All undead in 30' radius take 1d6 dmg, or single undead takes 2d6 (no save).

    Inventory: Torch, 2 day rations, 1 day waterskin, bedroll, holy symbol, 10 foot pole, string, 10gp.
    Weapons: Mace, sling.

    Thief
    HP 12
    Dmg 1d6 melee 1d6 ranged
    Save +5 vs traps and AoE damage
    Thief has a 75% chance to do the following things:
    Pick locks.
    Find traps.
    Disarm traps.
    Move Silently. (If you succeed, you have 0% chance of being spotted.)
    Spot Hidden Stuff. (Other players have a 50% chance. Good for spotting ambush rats.)
    Thieves do 3x damage if they surprise attack someone with a melee weapon, but they can only use this once per combat, since they cannot re-enter stealth during combat.
    Thieves do 2x damage if they have an altitude advantage when using their ranged attack.
    Inventory: Torch, 2 day rations, 1 day waterskin, bedroll, caltrops, smokebomb, lockpicks, 10gp.
    Weapons: Dagger, crossbow.

    Wizard
    HP 10
    Dmg 1d4 melee 1d6 ranged
    Save +5 vs spells and illusions
    Wizard can cast the following spells:
    1. Detect Magic 1/day Lasts 3 rounds, detects all magic in 60' cone through walls
    2. Summon Monkey 1/day Lasts for 2 minutes. Can summon anywhere within 30'
    3. Sleep 1/day 30' diameter, save or fall into deep slumber
    4. Fireball 1/day 30' diameter, 2d6 damage, save for half

    Inventory: Torch, 2 day rations, 1 day waterskin, bedroll, chalk, paper, ink, pen, spellbook.
    Weapons: Staff, sling.

    Healing
    2x per day, the entire party can sit down and eat a meal. This takes 1 hour. Roll each separately.
    Fighter 1d6+3 HP
    Cleric 1d6+2 HP
    Rogue 1d6+1 HP
    Wizard 1d6 HP

    HP and Armor
    These are the same thing. Wearing better armor gives you more HP. Every character is currently wearing the best armor that they can.
    Fighter Wears up to plate +6 HP but drowns in water if they fail a save
    Cleric Wears up to chain +4 HP
    Thief Wears up to leather +2 HP
    Wizard Wears up to cloth +0 HP

    Weapons
    Weapon damage is determined by class. All classes can wield all weapons and they all do the same damage. Every class is already carrying a melee weapon and a ranged weapon. If you want to have cleric-specific magic weapons, just say, “If a cleric wields this, it does +1 damage” or whatever.

    Attacks
    Always hit, but do a variable amount of damage. You can't use ranged weapons or wizard spells if someone is in your melee range. Attacks and spells are standard actions, like Pathfinder. You provoke when you run away unless you use a full-round Withdrawal, like Pathfinder.

    Save
    The DC is usually 11.
    You normally get +0 on this, except for certain things relative to your class (listed in character section).

    Combat Maneuvers
    No attack roll, you just say that you want to attempt it and check against the DC.
    The DC is usually 11.
    Your default modifier to this roll is +0.
    Except fighters, who get +5.

    Skills
    The DC is usually 11.
    Your default modifier on this roll is +0.
    If something is especially appropriate to your class, you get +5 on it.
    Like, clerics can get +5 when remembering stuff about undead or ghosts or something.
    And both fighters and rogues get +5 when trying to climb a wall.

    Death
    If you drop to 0, you are Dying. (-10 HP = instant death, otherwise you're at 0 HP)
    While Dying, you have a 25% chance each round of becoming Dead as you bleed out.
    If you take more damage while Dying, you become Dead.
    If you survive 3 rounds of Dying (three of the 25% checks), you wake up at 1 HP.
    If someone heals you, you recover instantly from 0 HP.

    We're just testing the dungeon, so combat rules should be dirt simple. This may already be too much.


    Monsters

    Every monster has a level. Their level is equal to their save bonus and skill bonus for characteristicskills. Their DC when resisting combat maneuvers is equal to 10+level. Their skill bonus for uncharacteristic skills is always +0.

    So a level 7 elf gets +7 to their save, +7 skill bonus when attempting elfy stuff (climbing trees, hiding the in forest, calming down upset owls, making bows, drinking plum wine, etc). The DC to do stuff to them is always DC 10+level, so if you try to trip them, they have DC 17 to resist being tripped. They have a +0 bonus when attempting non-elfy stuff (digging a mine, growing a beard, appraising a gem, drinking beer, plowing a field, etc).

    Every monster has a melee attack (listed first) and a ranged attack (listed second). If they have no melee attack, it will just say “no melee”. Same for ranged.

    Level is listed after the name, so the Goblin is level 1 and the Ogre is level 4.

    Goblin - 1
    HP 5
    Damage dagger 1d4 thrown rock 1
    Inventory 1gp, dagger, rocks, 10% chance of carrying a disease (save or contract)

    Imp - 1
    HP 3
    Damage stinger 1d4 + save or fall asleep ranged firebolt 1d6
    Inventory body sheds light as a torch for 1 hour after death

    Necrolyte – 2
    HP 9
    Damage Dagger 1d4 Thrown dagger 1d4 (limited)
    SPELLS 2/day: Wither Curse Target saves or gets cursed, -2 max HP. Permanent, stacking.
    Inventory 2 wavy daggers, 1d6 gp, 10% of spellbook with new spells

    Goblin King – 3
    HP 12
    Damage jeweled scepter 1d8 melee no ranged
    SPECIAL If you ever hit the goblin king in melee for less than 4 damage, you immediately take 3 damage from his counterattack
    Inventory jewelled scepter, 70 gp, 1 healing potion

    Ogre - 4
    HP 20
    Damage tree club 2d6 thrown stuff 1d6 (but only if there is stuff nearby to throw)
    Inventory 1d6 gp



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